moya

So, um, I feel like I'm going to have a bad panic attack right now, I figured maybe I should just write and try to avoid it. It's getting really bad, though, and the really bad thoughts are creeping into my head.

I'm in my pajamas right now, and it's cold in here. I'm shivering.

I really want to go outside this minute and freeze. Happy thought. This young man is on my lap and wants my attention.

He got to watch me shower, delayed my getting dressed, and now is the light of my life. He'll get to sleep cuddled in my arms tonight with tons of kisses and in return, he'll keep me warm and watch for danger, also providing a huge comfort.

I made a mistake a little less than a month ago in an email to a friend. I'm sick of apologizing for them, or trying to fix them. Up until now, I did my best, and I just have to learn to live with the things I've said and done. I seem to just keep running from them instead.
An old friend told me the other day that the demons keep haunting you, and no matter where you run to, they'll eventually catch up. So, deal with them.

It's hard to deal because I only have this cat to confide in. He's looking at the screen from my lap. I accidentally broke things off with someone dear to me, and the way things had been going between us, perhaps letting it wither might be best instead of fighting a losing battle that I've been engaging myself in, that was perhaps pointless to start so, so long ago. It's just hard when this cat can't talk back. It's just hard when I don't feel there's one human on this earth who I can sit down with and feel safe enough to talk to anymore. They're all gone. Because I've been a dipshit.
I know you'll all say you're there if I need to talk or whatnot. I honestly think I don't know how to be open like that anymore.

The concert thing last night was great. I looked really hot. I had blue and black and lime green eye make up on, and my hair was up nicely. Drunk guys thought I worked there and asked me to put my coat away for them, or where is their coat, and no one else really approached me. One guy tried to come and grind with me, from out of nowhere, which was more like humping, and as soon as I got eye contact with him, I gave him a lok of death and he got the message.

A junior from Cedarburg High School (neighbor town) was found dead the other day from a heroin overdose. The male she had been with was recently released from jail after drug charges and use. Her mother does not blame this guy, for he is 'just a victim, too'. I think this woman..god, nevermind.

Then again, here I am thinking about my situations with some people, and whenever I think I hate them, I tell myself, 'it's not their fault'. It's not their fault. Sometimes, I think it is their fault, this one situation for instance. I feel so guilty for feeling so angry and hateful, and the guilt turns it into 'it's my fault, not theirs' but deep down, it is theirs, not mine, I just have trouble coping and accepting that. Does anyone understand that?

And sometimes, I wonder if the person on the other end is even alive anymore. Sometimes, I think they may not be. And some aren't.

I miss old friends, but I think it's time to cut the bullshit and move on. I get attached so easily.

It's lonely here, at home, yet it's the least loneliest place for me to go these days. When it gets cold out, my face gets red and my eyes water alot. I like it when it's cold out because I can go outside and cry softly, and people will think it's just the cold and not do that 'what's wrong?' with complete misunderstanding or absent-mindedness. Does anyone even come up with a story afterwards?

A quote I really like is, 'too wierd to live, too rare to die'. An ex once told me that describes me when it used to be a screen name of mine. We had thoughts of what it meant, why I never did kill myself when I had put myself in positions to, why I sometimes feel the way I feel, etc..

I think I'm getting too bitter. I'm also too afraid to sleep. My nightmares have been horrible lately. I wake up an hour, two hours after I go to bed, and lay in bed feeling like it's another panic attack coming upon me. I get online and no one is on, no one responds to messages when they wake up and find them in the morning, or it's a 'sry, g2g, l8er, k?'. WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT EVEN SAY? (I do know what that says. It just pisses me off when it's so..informal (impersonal?))

I watched a show on the Discovery Channel tonight called, "Anatomy of Sex'. I saw sexual intercourse from MRI scans played quickly on a tv screen, of a couple having slow sex in the round tube. I saw 3-D images of the reproductive organs in both sexes, saw what sex looks like from inside, watched a couple have sex, heard people talk about how orgasms felt, you name it, including being in love with someone and how that affected everything.

I'm in the process of not caring anymore about the things that make me feel like shit when I think about them. Because they aren't worth it if they make you feel horrible. Why? Because, I feel horrible for something but it's not going to be productive and get me anywhere good. I deserve to be happy. And fuck, I'm going to be happy, damnit.

Note. This time around, I'm not looking for advice, I'm just venting. Comment on how cute the cat is or something instead.