moya

I went to this program here in the dorms tonight called "I heart Female Orgasm". I learned alot, I really enjoyed myself, and I love that the crowd was..well, overcrowding the room. I bought six pins. One is a rainbow colored square. The other five say:

i'm bisexual and i'm NOT attracted to you
Kiss me twice, I'm bisexual (which I'm wearing right now)
bite
lick
thrust

The things I love.. They have a new program, 'Spiffy new bi thing' which I'm going to attend tomorrow if I can. I also want to join a group or something that has to do with that sort of stuff. I think there's one called the Rainbow Alliance. I don't know.. I still have to think about it.

One thing that irritates me is that I'm getting really fricken horny these days. And there's nothing I can do about it. Masturbation is an option yes, but there's the roommate. Though after tonight, we discussed that we each need the room to ourselves sometimes, so I will have time. But masturbation has just lost it's fun. Yea, shut up.
I want something else, and I'm not going to get it for awhile, so..frusteration is going to become a wicked friend.
Unfortunately, no, I cannot just go out and jump some bones, either.

It's actually surprising how angry I get over this issue. I think it's because over the past two months or so, I've started to question my judgement and how desirable I am to other people. Actually, honestly, my self image has slowly been shot to hell. I'm aware it shouldn't be, but it's kind of hard when..eh, well, nevermind. But it's terrible right now which is irritating me; irritating me because it's true or not true.
I don't know.
So far I haven't met anyone who I think I'd be comfortable enough with to indulge in sex, either. I'm just a pile of dilemma about this.
And I worry because it's become an important thing to me.
I'm just sad about it. And I still feel lonely. My pillow is becoming unhuggable and full of salt from tears. (note: do laundry sometime this month.)
I wake up to my cell phone screaming at me that it's now the time I set my alarm for. Facing the white, blank wall.

I'm going to Madison for Halloween. And I'm going to be a bellydancer for lack of any other ideas/costumes. My mother didn't make a bodice for me, so no boob poppage for me (or anyone else). Now, I just need somewhere to go in Madison. I could just tag along with my roommate, if she goes home and has a party. Or something. I don't know.


I need to get to Eau Claire. Maybe in the next weekend or the one after (before Halloween). Or I guess I could put it off til November.. But I really want to go. And get wasted all weekend and have fun for a whole day for once.
It's been so long since I've been able to have fun for more than an hour or two. It just dies inside, and I get the urge to crawl back under my blankets and stare out my window into the lonely sky.

I think I'm just a hopeless..person. Hopeless romantic, hopeless everything else. Sadly, I try to justify the feeling.

Saturday night, walking through the courtyards here on campus, I stopped at a fountain thats only a block away in between the library and some other building. I go and sit there on a bench late at night with my discman playing. They've now turned the water off.
Saturday night, probably the last night it was on, I had just gotten out of a bellydance performance by my instructor, and others from all over the state. With Combichrist playing loud enough that all I heard was the falling water next to me, I danced (well, tried) along the edge of the fountain, one big circle..repeat. And I felt happier, or atleast more content that I was doing something. Anything. It felt great. And free.

I came back to earth and there were about 15 highschool boys, on bikes, skatebaords, whatever, swarming around me. Behind me, they had formed a line, and when I saw them, the one behind me put his arms around my waist, and pushed me along, and they made fun of me. I kept a smile on my face as they whirled by and surrouneded me.

Thy asked me what I was listening to. Sublime? Korn? First hint you're a motherfucking highschooler asshole. Come on.
I let them go around and have their fun, with nothing better to do on a saturday night than ruin a depressed girls' silent joy. I stood off and watched, and plastered a smile on my face. After awhile, most of them left, and when I saw that a few remained, I just came back to the room.
I didn't cry, though.

How fucking rude. I guess I have to have my fun even later, at like..three in the morning. Really. How rude.

I should do my homework. I'm starting to accept my loss of motivation, and I'm ready for winter break. I might just want to move back home for the winter instead of going somewhere with Brendon as we've previously discussed.

I don't know. I wish I could post some new pictures. I miss taking pictures just for the want of posting silly random things.
Maybe some of how 'eh' I've become these days.

I guess I'm going to head to bed. There's a virus on my computer, and movies nor cds play. Well, they do, but there's a pause every few seconds, for a few seconds. So I can't even do anything on here. This might not even post. *sigh*
At the end of this month, I'm going to see a Ballet. Michael Pink's Dracula.