mountainmafia

OK, so don't you hate when you fuck up? I'm not talking about just kind of screw up, but I mean REALLY fuck up!!!! So, since I have got myself in the current situation I'm in, I blew off going out with my friends last night, grabbed some dinner alone, came home, had a cpl drinks and really did some soul searching. Let me break it down for ya....

I hurt somebody that I care about (and she professes to care about me) IMMENSELY! I mean REALLY hurt her. The kind of hurt that really fucks up a good thing that we had going. The really jacked up thing now is, I don't know how to completely fix it. I mean it is impossible to say a phrase, or perform some quick action to make all the pain and hurt disappear, and trust just magically return. Unfortunately life is never that simple. You see, I spent a good deal of time after my divorce REALLY trash talking women, and undoubtedly developed a fear of being emotionally hurt again. I vowed never to be in the situation ever again. I constructed huge walls around me, distanced myself from a lot of others, and was generally just very guarded. The worst part is, that once I started hanging out, seeing, growing close to, falling for this girl.... well, my defense mechanisms ultimately ended up breaking her heart, and destroying her faith & trust in me.



So now I'm searching... searching for the way to put it all back together. I have become very aware that I'm unhappy without her, miss our times together, and feel like I have a huge empty hole where she used to be. I don;t know if I'll stumble across the magic to mend things, and can only hope that I do, but in the mean time I put that effort out there, hope she can see that I care, and keep praying I'll be afforded to do things the right way with her instead of learning a very hard lesson.

I don't think we stumble across others who truly understand us very often in life. I know in my journey I haven't had the fortune of having a person TRULY understand me and what I am about... until I met this one. She has unselfishly taken the time to see my for what I am, as much as I let her. She is probably the only person who has ever been around me that accepts things about me that scares others away. She is nothing short of the chick I had hoped to find, and now its up to me to fix the damage that has been done.

I have no idea if she'll see this, or take the time to read it. If she does I hope she knows I am deeply sorry, I care for her probably more than she thinks I do or understands, and I miss her. I miss her friendship, her presence, and just knowing that she is there.

Man I do not know how I get myself into these things.....

On a different note... my little girl is getting way too big. She still loves her tattoos, and is still all about the black fingernails....

Me with my little one....



So I am trying to stay positive, going back to drawing some (hopefully that will be therapeutic), and have decided to run a marathon this year. I need to be snowboarding since the snow is sick this year, and will hopefully get up to make some runs soon. OK, so now I'm rambling... time to find a movie online to watch. Smokin Aces 2 it is!

You guys take care....

LaTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!