I had a truly unique experience last night.
I've been able to keep a fairly decent rein on my panic attacks. I have not had a large episode in about a year and a half...this is not saying that I haven't had any since then; I've just been able to close my eyes and shut out the world and focus and breathe and breathe and breathe until I can actually breathe again. While driving last night in the snow and ice and crud I felt the onset of an episode. By the time I got myself to my destination all I wanted to do was turn around and go home and forget that I wanted to go out last night at all. Long story short: It upsets me that after three years of being my partner, two of those living with me, that the symptoms of my panic attacks are still a mystery to a certain individual. My emotions get mutated into a thought that I must be angry with him, which in turn makes him upset with me...spiraling out of control to make the situation much worse than it needs to be.
My "funk" did not last all night long, but it did not help matters. I sat alone for awhile wishing for nothing more than to be alone. When eventually I was accompanied by individuals other than Nic, the grouping was small, allowing my brain to relax. I was still pretty silent through most of the shows, and when Four For Smoking* went on stage my friend Holly approached me. She pet my hair, "You don't look yourself, what's wrong?"
I responded my taping my temple, "It's all up here." I said.
Holly shook her head and replied, "Don't let it. Don't let it get to you." -She has made no secret of her own depression and anxiety issues in the past.
Nodding towards the stage she asked, "Do you know how much he loves you? Do you really? Do you really know how much he loves you?" Repeating it over and over again to ingrain it into my brain.
I nodded yes, he's silly, but yes I do.
Holly regarded me for a moment before looking away, "You know, I feel out of sorts myself tonight. I'm not taking pictures. Maybe next time we'll both feel right."
She kissed my face, and headed back towards her husband. It's funny how sometimes you know things and you know you know things but it's not until people point them out to you when you begin to think about these things, realizing how true these things may or may not be. My panic attack didn't seem so heavy anymore, and I drove home soon afterwards; sleeping well for the first time in days.
*They played very well, by the way.
I've been able to keep a fairly decent rein on my panic attacks. I have not had a large episode in about a year and a half...this is not saying that I haven't had any since then; I've just been able to close my eyes and shut out the world and focus and breathe and breathe and breathe until I can actually breathe again. While driving last night in the snow and ice and crud I felt the onset of an episode. By the time I got myself to my destination all I wanted to do was turn around and go home and forget that I wanted to go out last night at all. Long story short: It upsets me that after three years of being my partner, two of those living with me, that the symptoms of my panic attacks are still a mystery to a certain individual. My emotions get mutated into a thought that I must be angry with him, which in turn makes him upset with me...spiraling out of control to make the situation much worse than it needs to be.
My "funk" did not last all night long, but it did not help matters. I sat alone for awhile wishing for nothing more than to be alone. When eventually I was accompanied by individuals other than Nic, the grouping was small, allowing my brain to relax. I was still pretty silent through most of the shows, and when Four For Smoking* went on stage my friend Holly approached me. She pet my hair, "You don't look yourself, what's wrong?"
I responded my taping my temple, "It's all up here." I said.
Holly shook her head and replied, "Don't let it. Don't let it get to you." -She has made no secret of her own depression and anxiety issues in the past.
Nodding towards the stage she asked, "Do you know how much he loves you? Do you really? Do you really know how much he loves you?" Repeating it over and over again to ingrain it into my brain.
I nodded yes, he's silly, but yes I do.
Holly regarded me for a moment before looking away, "You know, I feel out of sorts myself tonight. I'm not taking pictures. Maybe next time we'll both feel right."
She kissed my face, and headed back towards her husband. It's funny how sometimes you know things and you know you know things but it's not until people point them out to you when you begin to think about these things, realizing how true these things may or may not be. My panic attack didn't seem so heavy anymore, and I drove home soon afterwards; sleeping well for the first time in days.
*They played very well, by the way.
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I love you.