morguenmarie

to clarify: i am still open to modeling for photo shoots with people and on projects that make me feel seen and that i am excited about.

gofundme | cashapp/venmo: morguexnxmarie

okay, so i’ve been kinda one foot out the door for a bit now, and been on medication for almost a month. and i still have a lot to think about, but i wanna just sit and talk about everything.

so some context, i got diagnosed with adhd combined type last year during kind of the beginning of quarantine. before that, i didn’t really know the extent of what adhd was, aside from the stereotypical presentation and assumptions. but i happened upon some adhd content creators and things just clicked, so i reached out to a specialist for diagnosis, and it turned out i did have adhd.

of course then, i spent forever learning about it, looking up every piece of information i could find, and finally, realizing how much of what i’d been struggling with my entire life was because of that. being late for absolutely everything, emotional regulation issues, impulsivity issues, motivation/procrastination issues whether i did or did not want to do something, getting overwhelmed at the drop of a hat, i mean you name it.

and it was kind of like an aha moment. i felt relief that i knew this about myself, that i had information that might make dealing with all of these things easier. and i did find a lot of content from adhd creators with tips and advice, and i took it all in: i tried to use planners, and bullet journals, and every single productivity app that was suggested, and to do lists, and alarms, and quite literally every tip i could find. and i was still struggling. hard.

i was still burning out every other to every few months for at least a month at a time (sometimes more) when i couldn’t get myself to do anything. which was confusing to me because despite the obvious disappointment, losing my job and making the move to be self-employed was one of the best things to ever happen to me. i was happier, i didn’t feel borderline life-threateningly depressed for once, i was so much less stressed being able to work on my own schedule, take breaks whenever i needed to. but i was still getting so mind-numbingly burnt out from modeling - (we’ll use ‘modeling’ to mean the entire scope of my work in this industry.)

every couple to every few months, i’d have a period of time where i’d just disappear because i was so overwhelmed, with seemingly less than zero energy. and the burnout that finally led to me considering medication was the worst one yet. i couldn’t do anything for myself. i didn’t want to see anyone. i broke down all the time over small things like the thought of making something to eat. i lost about 3-6 hours every day from zoning out (or sometimes in.) i was working 0% of the time because all i had the energy to do was sink into the couch. feeling guilty about struggling and being angry with myself about all of this, because of the pressure i was putting on my partner and the consistent inconsistency i was giving my clients, was then pushing me back into depression. medication had always been a last resort for me, given my history with addiction, but i was at the end, the very last few threads, of my rope.

now at this point, i thought medication was going to solve everything. and maybe that’s not exactly it, because i know that medication is not an absolute miracle worker, but maybe it’s more accurate to say that i thought all the problems i was having were because of adhd. so therefore add in the adhd medication and problem solved.

it has proven to be Not That Simple.

now, it’s only been a month. i go back to the psych on 6/10, where we’ll re-evaluate dosage. in the last month i’ve been really trying to keep track of how i’m feeling, what’s working, what’s not working, etc. and as you may have noticed, i’m still not working. that’s about 3 months that i haven’t done any form of modeling, aside from posting on my birthday in may. and that may lead you, and me, to believe that the medication is not working.

and that is what i originally thought, but since my second day on medication, so for about a month, i have been working on my jewelry business nonstop. i’ve been making new items, i have a million ideas that i’m actually working on and have moved past the Idea Phase, i prepared for the market, i’ve actually finished a ton of projects, i drove out to a couple establishments to talk to them about selling my products on a whim (something very unlike me considering i don’t do well in sales/sales pitches, conversation with people makes me anxious/antsy, and i put off things that make me anxious), i am motivated, i’m following through, and i’m loving what i’m doing.

more than that, i’m allowing myself breaks, i don’t feel guilty and unable to relax because i’m overwhelmed by everything i should be getting done when i take breaks, my hygiene is more consistent (instead of forgetting how long it’s been since i’ve taken care of myself), i make myself something to eat if i get hungry without breaking down, i’m reading faster and more enjoyably because i can focus better. the medicine IS working. maybe not perfectly, maybe the dr will decide to try a different dose next time. but it is doing SOMETHING.

so with all of this in mind, i’ve been realizing that maybe adhd has not been the cause of *every* problem. did adhd contribute to me not being able to do modeling? undoubtedly: procrastination, lack of motivation, overwhelm, etc. but i now believe that it was not and is not the only reason, and i’m not sure it’s for me anymore.

now, also last year, i realized i was and came out as trans non-binary. it has been a year of learning, and feeling, and self-discovery, and shame, and support, and confusion, and disrespect, and acceptance. it has been both overwhelming and overwhelmingly beautiful. but every time i’ve tried to work since then, it has only served as a reminder that the brand i formed around my modeling is not me. it is me sometimes but not me always. it is more representative of the person i had been trying to be all the time, and of the person i thought people wanted me to be. and even if i am that person 20% of the time, or 25%, or whatever percentage.. it is painfully and emotionally exhausting to be someone you’re not the other 80%, 75%, whatever percent of the time. this corner of the internet and of this industry that has been given to me, is not a mentally or emotionally safe place for Trans Me. and Trans Me.. Fluid Me.. Non-Binary Me.. is Me. 100% of the time. this is Reason Number One.

Reason Number Two is that i get burnt out on human interaction and am extremely easily socially exhaustible. there are a lot of times i’ll not be able to speak and won’t want to be talked to or touched and can only sit and do nothing, and it happens a lot more often when i’m working a socially demanding job. and even with a background in serving, this is the most socially demanding job i have ever had. if i’m not chatting on cam then i’m video chatting, if i’m not video chatting then i’m answering messages on a thousand different platforms, or responding to comments, or t(s)exting services. an overwhelming amount of conversation every day all day. this is probably enough to burn out all the time on its own.

and Reason Number Three is something i haven’t talked about much here, or maybe even at all, because it shatters the modeling illusion seemingly-necessary for it to be lucrative. i am sex-repulsed about 70% of the time. there could be a thousand reasons why: s*xual trauma, gender dysphoria and/or general discomfort with my body in regards to gender, sensory issues & not wanting to be touched in certain ways at certain times.. idk the list could go on, and i’m still working through it. all i know is while modeling, and everything that comes with it, it has gotten worse. and at risk of sounding dramatic, performing those acts while being sex-repulsed, and while being seen as a s*xual person/object is the very last thing you could ever want in that moment, is truthfully kind of traumatic.

so all of this to say: i was pretty consistently not having a great time. and like i said, i still have a lot to think about, but even saying all of this right now just has me wondering how i even did it for so long. but it took me a long time to figure this out because i would miss it when i wasn’t doing it. and of course missing the money applies, and attention makes you feel good about yourself, but now i think i’ve finally realized that it’s because of the creative side of the job. i loved that photo shoots reminded me of dance, i love putting together and coming up with ideas for photo shoots, i love taking and editing pictures, i love planning and editing videos, i love planning looks, i love creating art. i love creating.

and as i’m reevaluating myself and my life and my work, that’s what i want to focus on. i want to get into photography and videography/filmmaking, even as just a hobby — although i’d love to do donation-based work for fellow sw, and i want to make this jewelry and art business work more than anything.

i will probably be stepping away from OF and cam and snap. i’ll give a notice in those places, but i’ve been away for a bit already. i’ll be stepping away from custom modeling content in all forms. i will leave my videos up on the sites they’re posted and continue to put up the rest of my collection if anyone would still like to enjoy my work. once the rest of those videos are up, there may not be any more. i don’t know what the future holds, and i’ve never been able to tell how i’ll feel more than 2 sec in front of me, but i think this is the best move for my well-being at this time.

however, with this change comes even less financial security. so that poses the age-old and ever-important question: do i find a job and take time away from my passions, or do i try to make this work while it is stressfully unlucrative?

i absolutely could try to go find a job. one that doesn’t pay very well, makes me work a lot of hours, takes valuable time away from my business making it difficult to ever get it off the ground, and be stuck working for someone else. i could, but truthfully i’m very afraid of the depression that future may hold for me. now that i know how well self-employment works with my adhd, my neurodivergent traits, my mental health, i’m very afraid to go back because i know the headspace waiting for me when i do. and doubly so when the job will be taking away from what my passions are.

so my other option is to try at this. try to turn Genesixx into something that could be my livelihood. and that is so scary. i’ve talked about this so much before, but i am someone who has always been so deathly afraid of failure. of trying at something and it not being good enough. but another thing the medication is helping me do is focus despite my fears, and i’m ready to try taking my chances. i want this to work more than almost anything i’ve ever wanted, and i’m ready to work towards that. if it doesn’t work out, and i have to go get a job, i will do that. but for once in my life, i am not ready to give up yet. so i made a gofundme to help fund getting Genesixx off the ground. of course, absolutely no one is obligated. and i’ll understand if you can’t or don’t want to contribute. but if you’d like to, that link is in my bio and in my story, and i would appreciate it so much if you could share it.

the money that is contributed will go towards a few months of bills and living expenses, help with psych visits and medication, and will go towards buying materials for Genesixx products like jewelry findings, packaging materials, a mannequin to be able to make harnesses/clothing/etc., as well as advertising costs like etsy ads, paid promotions, a website, business cards, etc. and maybe i’ll even finally get a new pair of pliers so i can stop killing my hands with my current ones lol.

if not a single person contributes, i won’t be upset. i have been shown so much kindness and generosity over the past 3+ years that i’ve been modeling, and i cannot even begin to express how thankful i am to each and every one of you for sending me kind words and advice when i needed it, for the support you have shown, every second or cent spent on me and my work, for sticking with me through all of my mental health issues and inconsistency. i am eternally grateful for you. i hope you stick around. i hope to be able to share my art and my work and my thoughts and my mind and my heart with you, but i’ll completely understand if you were only here for the modeling and don’t want to stick around to see what the future holds for me. or contribute to that future. but i’m not ready to give up yet, and i’m trying really hard to be okay with asking for help when i need it.

if this is the end of the road for us, i appreciate the time you did spend here, and you’re always welcome back. i wish you the absolute best in life. and if you’re sticking around, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. buckle up, it’s bound to be a hell of a ride. it always is.

other ways to help:

• - sharing this post, my gofundme, or Genesixx pages
• - ordering from Genesixx (dm or shopgenesixx.com)
• - donating directly to cashapp/venmo: morguexnxmarie

i love you all so much, and i hcannot thank you enough.