morguenmarie

A couple months ago, I considered quitting modeling/sw because I had allowed my fear of failure and my mental health to drown out any motivation that I had.

Mental health issues and illnesses are nothing to hide or feel ashamed of. I struggle with my mental health a lot, and I try to be as open about it as I can, in hopes that at least one person will feel less alone. One of my constant struggles is social anxiety. Even when I appear to be having fun, my skin crawls in social situations. It keeps me from getting groceries, making new friends, attending real yoga classes that aren't on my phone in my living room, and unfortunately.. setting up shoots, something I absolutely love. A couple months ago, it was the worst it has ever been. I stopped setting up shoots completely, which obviously got in the way of my career. This, of course, worked cyclically and upset me further because I was 'failing myself' by not working > depressed > no energy to set up shoots or reach out to people > no work > less confidence, etc. What I realized, though, is that I was allowing it to happen.

Now, hold on. I don't mean to say that we're completely in control of our mental illnesses and that if we just 'think positively' they will just go away. That's silly; don't tell people that. Nor do I mean that everyone's mental health works in this way and that if it works for me, it must work for you, your partner, and your coworker. Mental health doesn't work like that. People don't work like that. Everyone is different, and the recipe of our needs is so intricately written from our lives and experiences that there is no way two could ever be exactly the same.

What I do mean to say is this...

I was giving my mental illness room. I was not only allowing it to survive, I was feeding it.

I got so caught up in joking about my mental illnesses that I didn't work on ways to live with them. Instead of allowing them to be only a part of me, I allowed them to be all of me. I started to see opportunities as impossibilities and immediately wrote them off instead of finding ways to make them work, despite what I was dealing with.

I blame my most irrational, lifelong fear: Failure, with a capital F. This is something I've talked about many times, across many platforms. It's the reason I have, like, a million words tattooed on my back (from JK Rowling's commencement speech at Harvard, the part about failure.) Nothing seems scarier than trying at something and failing. Absolutely nothing makes me crawl back into my shell more than the idea that I did my very best and wasn't good enough. It was food for my mental health issues. A fucking seven-course meal because they became my excuse not to try (and therefore, possibly fail.)

But recently, I discovered mindfulness.

MINDFULNESS (noun): 1. the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something. 2. a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations. (Oxford.)

Mindful breathing has become something I do throughout the day. Using this practice, I've started to reflect on my own actions, negative emotions, my deepest thoughts, situations, and my mental health from a place of understanding and compassion, void of judgment but also excuse. (I am forming the distinct difference between being understanding of and making excuses for.) I've realized that we, those who struggle with mental health issues, are just as capable of personal growth as anyone else.. that "mental illness" does not equate to "inability to progress." And this realization has helped me realize one more thing that smacked me right in the face:

any step made is a step forward, and any step forward is a success.

A single reply to a photographer, letting my body rest when it needs to, thinking about my actions in a way that may be painfully honest, taking a day away from social media when needed, a simple bath, writing a list of things that need to get done and prioritizing them.. all steps forward. Breaking up actions into small successes and viewing things that may seem like setbacks (not working for a whole day) as things that aid in my success (the time away allows me to refocus on my intentions and gain mental clarity) has really started tearing away at the foundation of my fear of failure.

The icing on the cake was playing Prey the other night. Now, I've spent a lifetime watching other people play videogames. I had tried a couple times, but I wasn't very good so I just always watched, secretly wishing I could play, too. But life's short and stuff so I decided to try, and let me tell you: if you want to become acquainted with failure, play videogames lol. I died so many times, but the takeaway: each time I died, I learned something. About the game, the enemy, my surroundings, my abilities. Sometimes I took risks that I knew would result in my character's death just so that I could learn something, and you know what? I beat the fuck out of that level. Because I didn't give up after dying the first time. Because I didn't put down the controller when I realized that dying was an option. Here I was with actual proof that I could use failure to my advantage -- that it didn't have to be something I was afraid of -- and it was eye-opening.

I've decided to take more risks in real life, too. This month I set a goal on onlyfans. It was half-joking because it was almost twice as much as I made the previous month, and I wanted to save myself from disappointment, but I still didn't back away from it. Here we are, October 21st, 10 days left in the month, a few months and what seems like a lifetime after I considered quitting, and we reached that goal.. WE REACHED IT.

I'm grateful for so many things, but most importantly, two:

1. I am so, so grateful for you guys. You make it possible for me to do this, and I appreciate all of the time, money, and effort spent on me. Thank you for the kind words, the encouragement, and really just giving a single damn about me or my life. You guys are the bomb . com & I love you 💕

2. I am so grateful for everything I have learned the past few months. I am grateful for all the lessons life has to offer and for my ability to see and use them.

Lastly, I'm proud of myself, and I'm so happy to be able to say that.

If you deal with any of the things I spoke about, know that I believe in you. You are intelligent and capable. Please be patient with yourself. 💕

**Pictures is from a set on onlyfans shot by @adkc, censored bc this post is public 💕