monticello

My religious sister has a little -- I dunno -- plaque? sampler? picture? -- of the three words FAITH HOPE CHARITY in a frame in her living room. The words are all fancy and there's ivy and shit on them. I've been wondering about those words lately, wondering if only the traditional religious get to lay claim to them. There's a nice sentiment behind them, but on closer inspection the definitions no longer apply to me.

FAITH used to mean that all the tribulations and trials that one goes through in life are but mere specks in the greater scheme of things. FAITH used to mean that I am absolutely right, and only by maintaining that absolute rightness will the glory of the afterlife be mine.

HOPE used to mean the Emily Dickinson poem... "Hope is a thing with feathers, that perches in the soul....." It's always darkest before the dawn. Things will get better. If today was crappy, hold to the rod and eventually you will be led to a better life.

CHARITY used to mean the pitying (I only see the pity and condenscension now) holier-than-thou attitude the truly righteous have for the sinner. Give them a pat on the head and the good book and perhaps they will be saved -- even if deep in their hearts they know that no one like that will ever be truly saved.

FUCK was something that was not spoken of.

What about now? What do those words mean to me now? Like I said, I've been thinking about these words a lot, wondering if they still fit in my life, and I have come up with some tenative definitions.

FAITH now means that I will put my heart and soul into something and that eventually that hard work will pay off. Whether its my marriage, my career, or my kids, I have faith that my hard work will create a better life for me and for those that I love. FAITH means that I will continue to live my life according to the desire of my heart, and that those around me will see my freedom and happiness and take part in it. This may take months or even years, but the emotion is still there.

HOPE is a little trickier. It has the same connotations as FAITH, but perhaps the results are a little more immediate. For example, I sent in a kick ass resume for a new job, and I hope that it impresses someone enough to get me an interview. Perhaps HOPE is the more mundane version of FAITH -- I hope that the check I wrote doesn't go through before my paycheck comes. I hope that Lost isn't a rerun this week. I dunno. I'm still working on this one.

CHARITY has taken on the pure definition as Christ (whoever he was) meant it to be, according to the Bible. A pure love and willingness to help everyone. Not in an effort to show them the light, but in an effort to make the world a better place. CHARITY has immediate results -- a connection between you and another, and a connection that brings light and life into the world. Not just you helping someone else, but also as the recipient.

FUCK is harder to define. It used to have an edge to it, some anger at the conforming and please everyone else atmosphere that I grew up in. Its softened for me. Its become an openess to everything. A love and desire for the sultry redhead, an unabashed crush on the girl with green hair, an adoration for the bald headed mature men with a wicked gleam in their eyes. And still maintaining the ability to see the beauty in my past -- to admire the workmanship in the Christus, to rely on the strength of my parents, to still be a part of my family. FUCK is different, its become yin/yang, its the strange harmony that comes from tucking my kids into bed and enjoying a glass of wine or few puffs with my husband.

So that's it. That's what's been buggin' me lately.