monsterjoe

People what on Earth are we going to do with yours truely?

They say that you really don't think about air until you start to drown. Well, yesterday I really thought I was going under. Remember my last entry about my job? Huh, it gets better...

I'm in school full time so I'm only working one or two days a week. I got out of mom's place in August because I'm 31 (32 next week!) and I don't need to be there anymore. I had a lot of money coming off active duty, but I spent it or loaned it out. That shouldn't have been a problem though because I started student loan paperwork back in April so I could get some money and live on my own. Since August I've been a good boy. I haven't been living outside of my means. My biggest splurge was a $25 bag of really great Oolong tea. Nevertheless yesterday I was flat broke. I couldn't pay the rent. I was supposed to get a student loan check three fucking months ago that with my GI Bill, and the little bit of money from work would have kept me solid. I've been waiting and waiting and waiting for that damned thing. I've been to the financial aid office three times and filled out a lot of forms on line and off for a fucking LOAN. This isn't free money, it's a LOAN. I have to pay it back. Every time I go in there it's "oh, we need to verify this" or "oh we over estimated that." What a fucking nut roll. If they had told me in August when they approved the loan that I wouldn't be paid until November then I could have done some things differently and I wouldn't be broke. I had to take a cash advance on my credit card to get the money to pay the rent. So now when I do get my student loan, and Christ alone knows when that's going to be, I'll have to use some of that money to pay off the cash advance which is going to rape me with interest, instead of - oh, I dunno - CLOTHES and GROCERIES? And this the day after I decide to quit my job.

I know plenty of you know all about shitty days - I do read your journals - it's just been a long time since I felt like complete and total shit. I go to work, I do my best, I try to stay under the radar, and I try not to fuck up. I try to take care of myself because I don't want anyone to take care of me. In '95 when I first got off active duty I borrowed $3000 from my mom for a car and paid every penny back. The people in my life borrow money from me, not the other way around. I take care of people and nobody has to worry about me, that's the way it's supposed to fucking work. Now my dad who lives in a shack on his retirement check is telling me "well, I could give you some money." Great, I feel just fucking great.

*warning, TMI*

I spent about an hour with a financial aid officer at school listening to her tell me about how there was nothing she could do, but that my check should be ready this week - something the last FAO told me three weeks ago. She was actually a sweetheart and I thought she was gonna cry for me which almost choked me up, but some dollar bills would have worked better. Anyway, after that meeting I'm driving around trying to stuff tears and my pride down. That woe is me feeling is fucked, but I can't find it and kill it, so I just gotta deal. It was only at this point that I thought of taking the advance so I went to the bank. After that I went to Mom's who hugged me and told me she loved me and that she couldn't do a lot but she'd sure help me. I leave there and I'm still feeling bent, so I did what I haven't done since I left North Carolina. Yup, I went to a juice bar. OK, I know I just lost some of you, but this was my self medication. Call me creepy, but naked women rubbing themselves on me really feels good. I didn't go get drunk or high or cry on some one's shoulder. I went to a titty bar and felt world's of better afterward. I spent $240 of the money I just borrowed on two stunning young ladies who took me in the VIP section and performed sex acts with each other on top of me. Some of it was actually quite amazing.

So, there you have it. Today I'm actually breathing OK. There were a few more hands I haven't told you about who reached in the water when I thought I was going under. My people love me and I'm ever so greatful. I told my good buddy Ox that I might have to quit school so I don't screw up my lease. He said "fuck that, you've got one semester left and then you've made it. This is the point where you either pass out or make it those last 30 meters." Then he gave me a bag of groceries.

I'm not about to pass out people. The demons don't get to win today.