Damn computers!
I just spent almost 40min writting my new entry when all of a sudden *click* all my work was gone and I was staring at an entry from several weeks ago. SHITFUCKEDYGODAMNCRAP!
Man, I don't even want to write all that stuff over again.
Fuck it.
This is part of a letter I emailed to my friend Nickey. She and I go back to high school together, and I am Godfather to her three wonderful boys Isaiha 6, Nathaniel 4, and Jacob almost 2. Nickey is Black and her husband is half Eskimo half white. This all happend Thursday night and is what I had spent 40min writing when it zapped into cyber nothingness.
Now I have a confession to make.
The other day I was in a department store buying a shirt and jacket for a military formal dinner we had Friday night. The saleswoman and I were browsing the jackets when a little old white lady, probably early sixties, came right up to me and asked me how old I was. I told her that I was thirty one and she asked me for my opinion on a shirt and tie that she had. I told her that if I were to wear that I would go with a darker tie. Her face clouded and she asked the saleswoman. The worker told her that the blue in the tie didn't really match the shirt, and the old lady replied "Oh, what do you know," and went away. After getting a nice black jacket the saleswoman and I were laying out some shirts and ties to go with it. I had picked out a shiny electric blue shirt that I really liked when this little old lady comes back up and says "Oh, you're looking for shirts? Well, you don't want that one..." and here her voice lowered to a conspiratorial whisper, "it looks too black." I think I must have just stared at her. I know that I didn't reply to that comment. I may have harumphed and hemd and hawed, but I didn't address what she had just said. I went on picking out shirts. This woman concluded that my silence meant acceptance and stuck around to help me pick out some shirts. She dived right in and handed me a grey shirt and one that was powder blue and said "here, try this one or that one, but not THAT shirt, you don't want to dress like that do you?" I exchanged a pained look with the saleswoman. I think that what I tried to do next was engage this woman. I think that what I meant to do was build some sort of raport so I could explain to her my situation and enlighten her a little as to her ignorance. I know that I was shocked and uncomfortable, but I started talking to her. I told her that I was going to the hospital ball. She asked me who I was going with and I said "no one." She told me what a shame that was because I was so cute (there was no real feeling in it, it sounded like my mother saying that). She asked me what I did in the military and I said that I was a nurse. She said "a MALE nurse?" "Yes," I said. She told me that she was a school nurse and that her husband had retired from the Airforce, then she went up to the counter to pay for her own purchace. The saleswoman who was helping me was the only person in the men's department at the time and I told her to go and help this old lady while I finished looking at shirts. The register was only a few feet away from where I was and I could hear their conversation from where I was standing. The old lady was arguing about some coupons that she had and the saleswoman wouldn't accept. They also kept talking about my shirts. The saleswoman said "you know we actually sell a lot of that style of shirt," and the old white lady said "yes, but to white AMERICAN people?" I heard the comment and cringed. The old lady finished up at the counter and wished me good luck as she walked by.
The sales woman came back to me and said "wasn't that woman annoying?" I said "yes, some of her comments were." That was it. That was my entire defense for you and your boys. Never once did I correct this woman when she was infront of me. I don't know if she could see that I was uncomfortable or not, but I certainly didn't act angry. The sales woman and I continued to look at shirts and I picked a burgandy one, not because of the little old white lady, but because it was a color I'm familiar with wearing and know I look good in. The rest of the time I was in the store I continued to think about what had happend. The more I thought about it, the more I convicted myself for being a coward. I thought about what you would have said and how you would have reacted had you been there, maybe white in desguise. My own reaction fell utterly short of that. I was angry with myself for not confronting the situation the way I never got angry with her for being a bigot. By the time I got to my truck I was really mad and frustrated with myself and more so because there was nothing I could do. By my own beliefs I know that I should have told the woman about the people I love, that I despise racism, and I should have asked her to go away. I do despise racism, but I'm also very forgiving of any idividual ignorance and that's what showed more than any outrage that I felt. To be honest what I felt was uncomfortable and nervous. The outrage didn't set in until the woman was gone and I realized what I had just allowed to happen. That is what stings me the most Nick. I feel like I failed you and your boys. I hold myself up as a defender of the things and people I love and here I let this biggoted WASP get away with her little Nazi shirt opinions without so much as a polite "I find that opinion offensive" or "I'm sorry, but I don't agree." Some defender huh? I couldn't even stand up to a little old lady. There is no defense or excuse for it Nick. I can only say that I love you and the boys and that I never felt any sort of agreement with this situation, I just didn't know how to react. I am sorry. I will do better the next time this happens. That it will happen again I'm sure Nick, probably before I even get back home. Please know that no matter how often or how passionatley I argue that race doesn't exist, that it is a social construct that we should strive to rise above, and that we should teach our (your) children that it is flatly false, I know that the majority of people don't see this, and that there are some that accept racism as a value and would harm you and yours with it. I know this Nick. Don't ever think that I don't, and please know that I would do anything, ANYTHING, when I was in my right mind to keep your boys safe.
-Joe
I just spent almost 40min writting my new entry when all of a sudden *click* all my work was gone and I was staring at an entry from several weeks ago. SHITFUCKEDYGODAMNCRAP!
Man, I don't even want to write all that stuff over again.
Fuck it.
This is part of a letter I emailed to my friend Nickey. She and I go back to high school together, and I am Godfather to her three wonderful boys Isaiha 6, Nathaniel 4, and Jacob almost 2. Nickey is Black and her husband is half Eskimo half white. This all happend Thursday night and is what I had spent 40min writing when it zapped into cyber nothingness.
Now I have a confession to make.
The other day I was in a department store buying a shirt and jacket for a military formal dinner we had Friday night. The saleswoman and I were browsing the jackets when a little old white lady, probably early sixties, came right up to me and asked me how old I was. I told her that I was thirty one and she asked me for my opinion on a shirt and tie that she had. I told her that if I were to wear that I would go with a darker tie. Her face clouded and she asked the saleswoman. The worker told her that the blue in the tie didn't really match the shirt, and the old lady replied "Oh, what do you know," and went away. After getting a nice black jacket the saleswoman and I were laying out some shirts and ties to go with it. I had picked out a shiny electric blue shirt that I really liked when this little old lady comes back up and says "Oh, you're looking for shirts? Well, you don't want that one..." and here her voice lowered to a conspiratorial whisper, "it looks too black." I think I must have just stared at her. I know that I didn't reply to that comment. I may have harumphed and hemd and hawed, but I didn't address what she had just said. I went on picking out shirts. This woman concluded that my silence meant acceptance and stuck around to help me pick out some shirts. She dived right in and handed me a grey shirt and one that was powder blue and said "here, try this one or that one, but not THAT shirt, you don't want to dress like that do you?" I exchanged a pained look with the saleswoman. I think that what I tried to do next was engage this woman. I think that what I meant to do was build some sort of raport so I could explain to her my situation and enlighten her a little as to her ignorance. I know that I was shocked and uncomfortable, but I started talking to her. I told her that I was going to the hospital ball. She asked me who I was going with and I said "no one." She told me what a shame that was because I was so cute (there was no real feeling in it, it sounded like my mother saying that). She asked me what I did in the military and I said that I was a nurse. She said "a MALE nurse?" "Yes," I said. She told me that she was a school nurse and that her husband had retired from the Airforce, then she went up to the counter to pay for her own purchace. The saleswoman who was helping me was the only person in the men's department at the time and I told her to go and help this old lady while I finished looking at shirts. The register was only a few feet away from where I was and I could hear their conversation from where I was standing. The old lady was arguing about some coupons that she had and the saleswoman wouldn't accept. They also kept talking about my shirts. The saleswoman said "you know we actually sell a lot of that style of shirt," and the old white lady said "yes, but to white AMERICAN people?" I heard the comment and cringed. The old lady finished up at the counter and wished me good luck as she walked by.
The sales woman came back to me and said "wasn't that woman annoying?" I said "yes, some of her comments were." That was it. That was my entire defense for you and your boys. Never once did I correct this woman when she was infront of me. I don't know if she could see that I was uncomfortable or not, but I certainly didn't act angry. The sales woman and I continued to look at shirts and I picked a burgandy one, not because of the little old white lady, but because it was a color I'm familiar with wearing and know I look good in. The rest of the time I was in the store I continued to think about what had happend. The more I thought about it, the more I convicted myself for being a coward. I thought about what you would have said and how you would have reacted had you been there, maybe white in desguise. My own reaction fell utterly short of that. I was angry with myself for not confronting the situation the way I never got angry with her for being a bigot. By the time I got to my truck I was really mad and frustrated with myself and more so because there was nothing I could do. By my own beliefs I know that I should have told the woman about the people I love, that I despise racism, and I should have asked her to go away. I do despise racism, but I'm also very forgiving of any idividual ignorance and that's what showed more than any outrage that I felt. To be honest what I felt was uncomfortable and nervous. The outrage didn't set in until the woman was gone and I realized what I had just allowed to happen. That is what stings me the most Nick. I feel like I failed you and your boys. I hold myself up as a defender of the things and people I love and here I let this biggoted WASP get away with her little Nazi shirt opinions without so much as a polite "I find that opinion offensive" or "I'm sorry, but I don't agree." Some defender huh? I couldn't even stand up to a little old lady. There is no defense or excuse for it Nick. I can only say that I love you and the boys and that I never felt any sort of agreement with this situation, I just didn't know how to react. I am sorry. I will do better the next time this happens. That it will happen again I'm sure Nick, probably before I even get back home. Please know that no matter how often or how passionatley I argue that race doesn't exist, that it is a social construct that we should strive to rise above, and that we should teach our (your) children that it is flatly false, I know that the majority of people don't see this, and that there are some that accept racism as a value and would harm you and yours with it. I know this Nick. Don't ever think that I don't, and please know that I would do anything, ANYTHING, when I was in my right mind to keep your boys safe.
-Joe
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
more pics please!
[Edited on Dec 09, 2003 2:36PM]