I don't think I've ever talked about buttholes more frequently than I did this past weekend. Specifically, the licking of buttholes. Seriously, it kept coming up in like every conversation!
I went to Ohio to visit one of my oldest friends, Gia, at school. Our friend Dana was supposed to come with me, but she had a last minute emergency with her dog, and she couldn't come. So I went by myself. I was kind of nervous because I hadn't ever driven that far before, but it was actually pretty relaxing (except when I drove an hour in the wrong direction
). The weather was gorgeous, and so was the country. I rolled down the windows and listened to this album over and over,
(This song. Watch it. Listen to it. LOVE it.)
singing and dancing like it was my job. Some people do their singing in the shower, but I prefer the car. I'm pretty sure all the truckers approved of my performance, considering they kept honking. Although it could have been that I was picking my nose. Not sure.
ANYWAY.
Once I got to Athens, some whiskey and 151 (in DAQUARI form...yes I'm embarassed and no it was not my choice) happened, and I guess I tried to start a fight with these lame college bitches wearing togas. Their togas were just longer than their shorts and I said what I thought was at low volume "Where's your shorts bitches!?" And they were like "Ugh, You should talk with those boots." And then I guess I started yelling lots of expletives at them (take note of this-- you'll see that it becomes a pattern over the weekend). If you didn't know, wearing red boots makes you a slut. I freely admit that I dress like a shithead though-- I was wearing cut off denim short-shorts, red slouchy boots, and a shirt with the wu-tang logo on it. White trash de luxe.
The next day, we just fucked around during the day, and then went to a cookout, which was alright. I recently got my bangs cut straight across, so Gia wore this Bettie Page wig she has, and we were opposite twins. (pictures will come eventually) Gia and I realized we don't really like white people anymore though. Even though we are racists with our Mark Twain whiskey. Fucking Huckleberry Finn! No seriously, we bought whiskey that was hand-bottled by Mark Twain.. We are high rollers. We ended up drinking from about 7pm until 8am, somehow. The weird thing was, I did get pretty drunk, but it was a steady, sort of anti-climactic drunk. But whatever. I'm an old lady these days-- I haven't been drinking as much as I used to.
This is Gia (in her Bettie wig) with her baby bunny. He looks EXACTLY like Paul Sr from American Chopper so I like to make him say things like "MIKE! Get to work!" Hahaha. He's a fluffy poop machine and I love him, even though he bit my boob.
The trip was pretty good, up until this afternoon. I had parked on this street that had no "no parking" signs-- you could park anywhere on it, at any time. Gia had told me to park there. That's where everyone who's ever come to visit her has parked, and it's a street that's well known in town to park on. Apparently, late yesterday afternoon they changed it to a complete no parking zone, with no notice. Then, at 8 this morning, they towed all the cars on the block, including mine. INSANE. So we got a ride to the tow station. I called the police station from there, and they agreed to waive the ticket from them. I then tried to reason with the tow guy. I calmly explained the situation to him, and asked if he would waive the tow fee as well-- the whole thing was OUTRAGEOUS. He refused. He started getting an attitude with me. So I fucking gave the inbred piece of shit toothless cousinfucker a piece of my mind. By any standards, I wasn't up in his face, I was really just arguing and cussing. I'm a very small girl. I'm generally pretty level-headed (except when drunk, although this time I wasn't). Not very imposing. He said "You can lose your attitude, or I can make you go sit at the end of the road there while you wait for your ride, or I can have the cops escort you off the property." I just gave him the staredown for a minute and walked back outside (where we had to sit because they locked us out of the offices BEFORE I got nasty) They only accepted cash, and there was no ATM as this place was in the middle of nowhere, so we had to have someone take us back to town. We waited outside. The boss guy who was yelling at me left. A few minutes passed and one of the guys who worked there came outside and said "I'm giving you 15 minutes to find a ride or you're going to have to leave the property. We can't have you hanging around outside here" And then he went back into the waiting room and again, LOCKED THE DOOR. Uh..? A minute later the cops showed up! The motherfucker felt the need to CALL THE COPS ON ME! And LEFT so he didn't have to deal with it. Luckily, the cop was totally cool and empathetic, and made sure my city ticket was waived. Sadly, he couldn't do anything about the assholes. So I begrudingly paid them, but not before trying (and almost succeeding) in jumping in the car and taking off without paying. It's really fucking ridiculous that this even happened, and the guy was such a dick. $117 might not be much to some people, but to me that's a huge setback. Like....HUGE. Especially with all the money I spent getting out there and not having anyone to split the gas money with. It's pretty fucking depressing. I think I'm going to write to whoever in Athens and see if something can be done about this. Ugh. I think the city should reimburse me for the towing fee.
Being in Athens made my poor life decisions sink in a bit more. The whole college town, frat thing totally weirded me out, but I do wish that I had gone to a real, legit school instead of the piece of shit I went to. I'm not happy with my education at all. I'm learning that I can't keep sacrificing what I want in life for someone else. I've never made a big life decision based on what I want. I've always put others before me. The whole arguement-- or difference in opinion, rather-- that I was talking about before didn't really go the way I thought it would. It was anti-climatic. I think that it is something that's going to keep coming up though. That's fine.
I'm back home now, listening to Patsy Cline and getting ready to go to bed. In case you were wondering. Blue moo-on of Kentucky. (where Mark Twain bottles his whiskey)
BALLS. I am exhausted. It's been a stressful day. I also found out that my grandma, one of my all time favorite human beings, is in the hospital.
Keep her in your thoughts/prayers/pagan ritual sacrifices. And yes, that is a Glamour Shot. I wasn't kidding when I said she rules.
Mmmk bedtime.
I went to Ohio to visit one of my oldest friends, Gia, at school. Our friend Dana was supposed to come with me, but she had a last minute emergency with her dog, and she couldn't come. So I went by myself. I was kind of nervous because I hadn't ever driven that far before, but it was actually pretty relaxing (except when I drove an hour in the wrong direction
). The weather was gorgeous, and so was the country. I rolled down the windows and listened to this album over and over,
(This song. Watch it. Listen to it. LOVE it.)
singing and dancing like it was my job. Some people do their singing in the shower, but I prefer the car. I'm pretty sure all the truckers approved of my performance, considering they kept honking. Although it could have been that I was picking my nose. Not sure.
ANYWAY.
Once I got to Athens, some whiskey and 151 (in DAQUARI form...yes I'm embarassed and no it was not my choice) happened, and I guess I tried to start a fight with these lame college bitches wearing togas. Their togas were just longer than their shorts and I said what I thought was at low volume "Where's your shorts bitches!?" And they were like "Ugh, You should talk with those boots." And then I guess I started yelling lots of expletives at them (take note of this-- you'll see that it becomes a pattern over the weekend). If you didn't know, wearing red boots makes you a slut. I freely admit that I dress like a shithead though-- I was wearing cut off denim short-shorts, red slouchy boots, and a shirt with the wu-tang logo on it. White trash de luxe.
The next day, we just fucked around during the day, and then went to a cookout, which was alright. I recently got my bangs cut straight across, so Gia wore this Bettie Page wig she has, and we were opposite twins. (pictures will come eventually) Gia and I realized we don't really like white people anymore though. Even though we are racists with our Mark Twain whiskey. Fucking Huckleberry Finn! No seriously, we bought whiskey that was hand-bottled by Mark Twain.. We are high rollers. We ended up drinking from about 7pm until 8am, somehow. The weird thing was, I did get pretty drunk, but it was a steady, sort of anti-climactic drunk. But whatever. I'm an old lady these days-- I haven't been drinking as much as I used to.
This is Gia (in her Bettie wig) with her baby bunny. He looks EXACTLY like Paul Sr from American Chopper so I like to make him say things like "MIKE! Get to work!" Hahaha. He's a fluffy poop machine and I love him, even though he bit my boob.
The trip was pretty good, up until this afternoon. I had parked on this street that had no "no parking" signs-- you could park anywhere on it, at any time. Gia had told me to park there. That's where everyone who's ever come to visit her has parked, and it's a street that's well known in town to park on. Apparently, late yesterday afternoon they changed it to a complete no parking zone, with no notice. Then, at 8 this morning, they towed all the cars on the block, including mine. INSANE. So we got a ride to the tow station. I called the police station from there, and they agreed to waive the ticket from them. I then tried to reason with the tow guy. I calmly explained the situation to him, and asked if he would waive the tow fee as well-- the whole thing was OUTRAGEOUS. He refused. He started getting an attitude with me. So I fucking gave the inbred piece of shit toothless cousinfucker a piece of my mind. By any standards, I wasn't up in his face, I was really just arguing and cussing. I'm a very small girl. I'm generally pretty level-headed (except when drunk, although this time I wasn't). Not very imposing. He said "You can lose your attitude, or I can make you go sit at the end of the road there while you wait for your ride, or I can have the cops escort you off the property." I just gave him the staredown for a minute and walked back outside (where we had to sit because they locked us out of the offices BEFORE I got nasty) They only accepted cash, and there was no ATM as this place was in the middle of nowhere, so we had to have someone take us back to town. We waited outside. The boss guy who was yelling at me left. A few minutes passed and one of the guys who worked there came outside and said "I'm giving you 15 minutes to find a ride or you're going to have to leave the property. We can't have you hanging around outside here" And then he went back into the waiting room and again, LOCKED THE DOOR. Uh..? A minute later the cops showed up! The motherfucker felt the need to CALL THE COPS ON ME! And LEFT so he didn't have to deal with it. Luckily, the cop was totally cool and empathetic, and made sure my city ticket was waived. Sadly, he couldn't do anything about the assholes. So I begrudingly paid them, but not before trying (and almost succeeding) in jumping in the car and taking off without paying. It's really fucking ridiculous that this even happened, and the guy was such a dick. $117 might not be much to some people, but to me that's a huge setback. Like....HUGE. Especially with all the money I spent getting out there and not having anyone to split the gas money with. It's pretty fucking depressing. I think I'm going to write to whoever in Athens and see if something can be done about this. Ugh. I think the city should reimburse me for the towing fee.
Being in Athens made my poor life decisions sink in a bit more. The whole college town, frat thing totally weirded me out, but I do wish that I had gone to a real, legit school instead of the piece of shit I went to. I'm not happy with my education at all. I'm learning that I can't keep sacrificing what I want in life for someone else. I've never made a big life decision based on what I want. I've always put others before me. The whole arguement-- or difference in opinion, rather-- that I was talking about before didn't really go the way I thought it would. It was anti-climatic. I think that it is something that's going to keep coming up though. That's fine.
I'm back home now, listening to Patsy Cline and getting ready to go to bed. In case you were wondering. Blue moo-on of Kentucky. (where Mark Twain bottles his whiskey)
BALLS. I am exhausted. It's been a stressful day. I also found out that my grandma, one of my all time favorite human beings, is in the hospital.
Keep her in your thoughts/prayers/pagan ritual sacrifices. And yes, that is a Glamour Shot. I wasn't kidding when I said she rules.
Mmmk bedtime.
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And I hope your grandma gets better soon