Tourists often ask us "Is Australia as dangerous as they say?".
It's a fair question. We have a ridiculous number of the world's most venomous snakes, spiders and sea life. And when we say venomous, we don't mean a little rash. It's venomous as in "oh fuck, I would rather cut off my arm than endure this. ".
Here's a pointer. The Australian coat of arms features both the kangaroo and the emu. Why ? Because they can't go backwards. Hardly the sign of a timid animal.
We helpfully give our snakes names like the Death Adder so when you stand on one out in the bush, you know exactly what to expect next. You will have a quiet nanosecond between pooping yourself and then being a cooling corpse on the ground in which to reflect on your life. Make use of your time.
We have the Redback spider, which hangs out everywhere you want to put your hand without looking first. Luckily for tourists we have moved on from the days of outdoor toilets with big cracks in the doors. But still don't let your guard down.
Our allegedly cute and cuddly Koalas not only have ticks that will paralyze you, but they also carry chylmidia. I bet you won't be queuing up to hug one any time soon with THAT nugget of information in your mind.
Our mosquitoes frequently carry a disease that has a similar effect to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.
We have the Cane Toad, an introduced pest, that is resistant to pretty much everything short of a flamethrower. This little fucker will spray a blinding poison into your eyes and then go and have roughly six bajillion kids in your swimming pool...just because it can. I made this helpful poster some time ago so you can enjoy it's charm.
In Queensland there's Cassowary. Picture a giant chicken with a serious anger management issue, and you get something close to it.
Down in Tasmania there's the actual animal that the Warner Brothers cartoon character was based on - the Tasmanian Devil. And true to form, it's every bit as angry and bitey as you would think.
We have both salt water and fresh water crocodiles that seem to have developed an appetite for German backpackers.
Please pay attention to the yellow signs with the funny silhouette pictures on them. They could save your life.
There's even a plant in tropical north Queensland that's so painful if you rubbed your ass with it you would wish you were dead.
See? Even our native plant life doesn't want to be your toilet paper.
In our seas we have a wonderful variety of sharks. We have Great Whites, Grey Nurses and Tiger and Bull sharks. There's lots more, but these are the ones most likely to fuck you up.
Summer temperatures frequently top out ( depending where in the country you go ) above 40 degrees celsius. Sunburn is a way of life, as we are situated almost directly under the hole in the Ozone Layer.
So yes to all the tourists, Australia is as deadly as it sounds. Don't even get me started on the number of people we lose ( brave men and women all ) to Drop Bears every year.
But other than that, Australia is a lovely place. Come and visit some time. Just bring a weapon.
