I haven't updated my journal or checked journals in quite some time. Honestly, if I'm not updating mine, I'm probably not in the mood to read about someone else having a good day, because mine have been fucking horrible over the last week plus.
The girl that I was stood up by, and then talked to, and was supposed to go out with fucked me over. Again. It amazes me how sincere a person can ACT. On the day I was supposed to go out with her I woke up early enough to go pick her up a rose and rear-ended some lady. The accident was barely an accident at all, I hit her at about 10 mph, so there was no damage but a scuff or two, and I was actually not cited for the accident.
Anyway, so I have this rose, that's been in my apartment since then, reminding me of what a fucking moron I was to have faith in her, and how big of a fucking moron she is for blowing me off. I rarely meet a girl I actually want to have a relationship with these days, and that fact just makes the whole ordeal hurt that much more.
I'm not an emo kid, but I do have a set of emotions that can be quite feminine at times. I feel love and hurt at very extreme levels, and although I don't always show it, it's always there. I still feel empty. I miss having a relationship that matters. I've got some great friends, but they aren't what I need. I need love.
Honestly I believe that the worst thing about knowing true love is knowing it's absence. Sometimes I wish I'd have never loved Amy. She was the first girl I actually felt it was true with. Amy. That name haunts me. It's hard not to cry when I think about her, and we've been seperated for almost a year. And it's not because I miss her, but because I miss loving someone and being loved. I am starting to doubt if I'll ever know that feeling again and it burns my soul. How countless nights have passed without her soft caress. Her tender voice. Her compassion. Her smile. All now unattainable.
I've considered moving away from here over the last while. Some other state. Somewhere to start over. Aside from my band and my best friend, this area is toxic to me. Everywhere I can go here I used to go with her, and I imagine the times I walked there with her.
I watched Strange Days earlier today. The great lesson of facing forward and not living in the past. I try my best to do it, and succeed at it most of the time, but sometimes the burden I have tried to leave behind creeps up on me.
I've been home for the last four days off of work due to my back going out. Four days of basically riding the couch and the chair at the computer, and left the apartment only twice. That much time on my hands always makes me think too much. My back making my mind wish I still had her to help me out, to massage me and care for me.
I've never been suicidal, but at times I can see why people do it. Life fucking hurts. Really fucking bad.
The girl that I was stood up by, and then talked to, and was supposed to go out with fucked me over. Again. It amazes me how sincere a person can ACT. On the day I was supposed to go out with her I woke up early enough to go pick her up a rose and rear-ended some lady. The accident was barely an accident at all, I hit her at about 10 mph, so there was no damage but a scuff or two, and I was actually not cited for the accident.
Anyway, so I have this rose, that's been in my apartment since then, reminding me of what a fucking moron I was to have faith in her, and how big of a fucking moron she is for blowing me off. I rarely meet a girl I actually want to have a relationship with these days, and that fact just makes the whole ordeal hurt that much more.
I'm not an emo kid, but I do have a set of emotions that can be quite feminine at times. I feel love and hurt at very extreme levels, and although I don't always show it, it's always there. I still feel empty. I miss having a relationship that matters. I've got some great friends, but they aren't what I need. I need love.
Honestly I believe that the worst thing about knowing true love is knowing it's absence. Sometimes I wish I'd have never loved Amy. She was the first girl I actually felt it was true with. Amy. That name haunts me. It's hard not to cry when I think about her, and we've been seperated for almost a year. And it's not because I miss her, but because I miss loving someone and being loved. I am starting to doubt if I'll ever know that feeling again and it burns my soul. How countless nights have passed without her soft caress. Her tender voice. Her compassion. Her smile. All now unattainable.
I've considered moving away from here over the last while. Some other state. Somewhere to start over. Aside from my band and my best friend, this area is toxic to me. Everywhere I can go here I used to go with her, and I imagine the times I walked there with her.
I watched Strange Days earlier today. The great lesson of facing forward and not living in the past. I try my best to do it, and succeed at it most of the time, but sometimes the burden I have tried to leave behind creeps up on me.
I've been home for the last four days off of work due to my back going out. Four days of basically riding the couch and the chair at the computer, and left the apartment only twice. That much time on my hands always makes me think too much. My back making my mind wish I still had her to help me out, to massage me and care for me.
I've never been suicidal, but at times I can see why people do it. Life fucking hurts. Really fucking bad.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
YEP.
But when someone calls me a "woman" its just much more pointed and prideworthy