It's a sea of whores my eyes feast upon every day. Every time I turn around, another dissapointment, another disguise. New people picking up their feble masks and plastic smiles, making themselves believe they are more than they really are. Such absent minded intelligence, such lackluster lives. It pierces my soul every time I see another one of these lemmings. My feeling of abandonment by the world as a whole grows more every day, every moment, leaving me to search in the dark for something that is possibly not there. Another person, another spirit who is not unlike me. Someone to relate to, experience life with, someone to feed off of me as I feed off of them. Someone to understand, to comprehend, and actually CARE about my feelings, my emotions, which too much lately have ran from my eyes like blood, leaving me feeling weak and light headed. Someone to taste the tears and endure the unendurable with. Someone who knows my body by touch, not simply by sight, as I will know hers. Another who can express themselves fully with a simple caress. A person to love, and to lust for. A person whose mere presence can block the harshness of the despair and doubt that now fill my life. I feel it every day, every moment. When I eat, when I sleep, when I breathe, it is always pecking at my mind like a starving buzzard over fresh roadkill.
My time of relief may never come. I have tasted love, and although I am strong alone, I yearn for that feeling. I search for it night and day, to once again know the embrace of someone that matters, and not just a random woman who harbors her true emotions or has no belief of how powerful a feeling it truly is.
Love. How it can be the most uplifting and most destructive thing in the world. I can only hope for another rush, another swell in my heart... something, before the pain is too unbearable, too brutal that I forget its wonder, its beauty, it's purity, and its magic and begin to deny it exists and become another whore, another shameless role-player in the game of temporary satisfaction. I seek nothing temporary. I seek satisfaction at its ultimate level. Satisfaction that soars over any obstacle, and is unstoppable, indestructable. It is out there. I simply do not know where. That is what I must believe.
My time of relief may never come. I have tasted love, and although I am strong alone, I yearn for that feeling. I search for it night and day, to once again know the embrace of someone that matters, and not just a random woman who harbors her true emotions or has no belief of how powerful a feeling it truly is.
Love. How it can be the most uplifting and most destructive thing in the world. I can only hope for another rush, another swell in my heart... something, before the pain is too unbearable, too brutal that I forget its wonder, its beauty, it's purity, and its magic and begin to deny it exists and become another whore, another shameless role-player in the game of temporary satisfaction. I seek nothing temporary. I seek satisfaction at its ultimate level. Satisfaction that soars over any obstacle, and is unstoppable, indestructable. It is out there. I simply do not know where. That is what I must believe.
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Then I weeded my "friend garden" getting rid of all the relationships I felt disenchanted with, vowed not to waste my time on things that I didn't feel were really worth it and realigned my perspective - this led to meeting the coolest man on earth and I don't need much else.
As my mother likes to say, "Life is messy and weird."
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