I've been keeping myself occupied with life lately. Everything from headaches to heartbreaks and at this particular point I'm not exactly sure where I want to stand on the entire "love" thing.
I started hanging out with my ex-girlfriend that I had been with for around 4 years. After long deliberation about the matter at hand, I decided that my life was not complete without this woman I swore my love to oh so long ago. I reflected on the problems that we had in our relationship the last time, and realizedthat the emotional problems that I was having due to being laid off for 7 months were no longer applicable, since I had not only gotten a job, but maintained it for an extended period of time. The only thing I really had to do to was quit smoking to be her "ideal" man again.
So I quit for 4 days and was doing fabulous. I would have 1 cigarette before I laid down to sleep so I wouldn't lie awake tossing and turning all night. I kept meeting with her and things seemed to be going spectacular. So I finally proposed the idea to her about us starting to see one another again, and that's when things took a turn.
She was not interested in rekindling our relationship on that level.
I can't say for certain if it was simply because she'd gotten over "us" or that she was too afraid that we'd never be able to sustain a relationship due to our past break-ups and didn't want to go through the hurt again. Either way, she left that night after I had spilled myself upon her and told her exactly how I felt and how I always would feel. I've tried everything in my power to forget her, and simply cannot. I believed her to be my soulmate. The one true love that would bring an end to the relentless search that everyone goes through. And she is unattainable.
Needless to say I sat in my car that night after she'd driven off and cried my eyes out for about half an hour. All the dreams and desires that had been and felt like they were to be again were shattered. My life was once again an empty shell. I waited in the car, dreaming that somehow she'd have driven off strong, but been unable to deny a love for me and come back, but she never came. This was the April first.
After that I lost all the willpower I had to stop smoking. I had no real reason for giving it up, so once again, I'm addict. A slave to the nervous habit.
Last night I went to a show in Cleveland. The (International) Noise Conspiracy was playing in a small bar, and having not been to a concert in a while, much less a band I enjoy as much as this, I was compelled to go. I had talked with the ex about going with her the last night we were together before the breakdown. All the time I was there I was watching the door, hoping though some odd miracle or chance that she would appear and come tell me she knew I'd be there, and that she wanted to make things work. A childish notion I know, but something in me forced me to believe there was a small chance. Not to my surprise, she never came.
Cleveland is a long way from where I'm at. It's roughly a 2 hour drive point A to point B, so I had plenty of time to think about how much I miss her, and how much it pains me to know that I'll never know her love again while I made my way back home. I question if I'll ever know that love again all the time. If there might some day be a woman to fill the void left in my soul, and make me truly happy once again. I honestly don't think my chances of that are very good.
I love myself. Not in an arrogant self absorbed way, but I'm simply happy with the way I live my life and the choices I make. That fact is probably the only thing that's kept me out of the morgue over the last few nights. I know that I'll always have happiness in my life, but I don't know if it'll ever reach that pinacle of magnificence that it had once reached when I found true love.
I started hanging out with my ex-girlfriend that I had been with for around 4 years. After long deliberation about the matter at hand, I decided that my life was not complete without this woman I swore my love to oh so long ago. I reflected on the problems that we had in our relationship the last time, and realizedthat the emotional problems that I was having due to being laid off for 7 months were no longer applicable, since I had not only gotten a job, but maintained it for an extended period of time. The only thing I really had to do to was quit smoking to be her "ideal" man again.
So I quit for 4 days and was doing fabulous. I would have 1 cigarette before I laid down to sleep so I wouldn't lie awake tossing and turning all night. I kept meeting with her and things seemed to be going spectacular. So I finally proposed the idea to her about us starting to see one another again, and that's when things took a turn.
She was not interested in rekindling our relationship on that level.
I can't say for certain if it was simply because she'd gotten over "us" or that she was too afraid that we'd never be able to sustain a relationship due to our past break-ups and didn't want to go through the hurt again. Either way, she left that night after I had spilled myself upon her and told her exactly how I felt and how I always would feel. I've tried everything in my power to forget her, and simply cannot. I believed her to be my soulmate. The one true love that would bring an end to the relentless search that everyone goes through. And she is unattainable.
Needless to say I sat in my car that night after she'd driven off and cried my eyes out for about half an hour. All the dreams and desires that had been and felt like they were to be again were shattered. My life was once again an empty shell. I waited in the car, dreaming that somehow she'd have driven off strong, but been unable to deny a love for me and come back, but she never came. This was the April first.
After that I lost all the willpower I had to stop smoking. I had no real reason for giving it up, so once again, I'm addict. A slave to the nervous habit.
Last night I went to a show in Cleveland. The (International) Noise Conspiracy was playing in a small bar, and having not been to a concert in a while, much less a band I enjoy as much as this, I was compelled to go. I had talked with the ex about going with her the last night we were together before the breakdown. All the time I was there I was watching the door, hoping though some odd miracle or chance that she would appear and come tell me she knew I'd be there, and that she wanted to make things work. A childish notion I know, but something in me forced me to believe there was a small chance. Not to my surprise, she never came.
Cleveland is a long way from where I'm at. It's roughly a 2 hour drive point A to point B, so I had plenty of time to think about how much I miss her, and how much it pains me to know that I'll never know her love again while I made my way back home. I question if I'll ever know that love again all the time. If there might some day be a woman to fill the void left in my soul, and make me truly happy once again. I honestly don't think my chances of that are very good.
I love myself. Not in an arrogant self absorbed way, but I'm simply happy with the way I live my life and the choices I make. That fact is probably the only thing that's kept me out of the morgue over the last few nights. I know that I'll always have happiness in my life, but I don't know if it'll ever reach that pinacle of magnificence that it had once reached when I found true love.