I guess I should explain a little bit. I haven't said anything to anyone about things that have been going on, but they aren't good. In recent weeks, I have lost 2 people I was close to that were about my age. One of the people who helped keep me on the straight and narrow passed away. For those who care, I am a recovering addict. As a teenager I was hard into drugs, and did a 6 month stint in juvie because of drugs. The man who passed away helped keep me off of drugs after I got out. The other person who has passed away recently was my step-sister. She had been battling pancreatic cancer for the last couple of years. I know that it means she isn't suffering anymore, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. Combined, they make me wanna shut down my emotions so I can't hurt anymore. So I no longer feel like I need something to get me through. I don't want to live my old life or mar the memory of the person who helped keep me clean for so many years. I just don't deal with death very well.