I noticed it's been about 6 months since I've posted. Not that anyone else would notice...
But anyway here it a copy and paste from my most recent livejournal post... Yes I still actually use livejournal on occasion. It's sad, I know.
Fingers crossed for my appraisal tomorrow. If all goes well I can get a refinance with a nice conventional loan, no mortgage insurance, and I'll actually be paying less monthly. If it doesn't go all that well, and I'm not really thinking it will, then I'll have to look into the streamline refinance. That will actually have me paying more monthly than I am now, but at least it will sever that final tie.
It was a fairly depressing week all last week. I hardly slept at all and when I did I actually had a lot of dreams about Virginia and Vanessa. I'm feeling extremely lonely as of late, but I also am really leery to get involved with anyone. It's been almost a year now, this jaded and guarded feeling will pass right?... Right?
The band has been going well, however our first show on the 29th really depressed the hell out of me. I have always had this weird way of thinking about myself and life in general that has always pissed me off. I have zero self-confidence, but I always feel that I should be better than everyone else. I hate feeling that way, and I guess I never really knew why I did, but I was talking with Kevin (a semi-co-worker and the bass player in the band) about things and he put it in such a way that really hit home and really made me understand why I feel the way I do. Basically the way he put it was, "I think I suck at everything I do and it makes me feel like shit when I fuck up because it justifies the low opinion of me that I feel everyone must have." I never really thought of it that way, but that's pretty much how it is. I feel that everyone thinks I'm a loser and I have to try so fucking hard to make sure I don't fuck up and prove them right. What does this have to do with the show on the 29th? Well I fucked up, a lot, and there were people there who I sure didn't want to see me fuck up. I felt like complete shit that whole weekend. Not because I performed badly, but because I performed badly in front of someone who already thought I was a pathetic fucking loser, and I just confirmed those thoughts. We played another show this past Friday and I didn't fuck up once. Of course, when I do things right no one was there that I gave a damn about.
I think I have basically decided to cut certain people out of my life. It's entirely because of me, but for some reason I feel like I can't really be myself around them and I've always got to be "on." I feel like any time I'm invited to go do things it's out of pity and they really don't want me there, I just can't relax and enjoy myself like that. I shouldn't feel that way, but I do and I think its far too late in my life for me to be able to move past it.
But anyway here it a copy and paste from my most recent livejournal post... Yes I still actually use livejournal on occasion. It's sad, I know.
Fingers crossed for my appraisal tomorrow. If all goes well I can get a refinance with a nice conventional loan, no mortgage insurance, and I'll actually be paying less monthly. If it doesn't go all that well, and I'm not really thinking it will, then I'll have to look into the streamline refinance. That will actually have me paying more monthly than I am now, but at least it will sever that final tie.
It was a fairly depressing week all last week. I hardly slept at all and when I did I actually had a lot of dreams about Virginia and Vanessa. I'm feeling extremely lonely as of late, but I also am really leery to get involved with anyone. It's been almost a year now, this jaded and guarded feeling will pass right?... Right?
The band has been going well, however our first show on the 29th really depressed the hell out of me. I have always had this weird way of thinking about myself and life in general that has always pissed me off. I have zero self-confidence, but I always feel that I should be better than everyone else. I hate feeling that way, and I guess I never really knew why I did, but I was talking with Kevin (a semi-co-worker and the bass player in the band) about things and he put it in such a way that really hit home and really made me understand why I feel the way I do. Basically the way he put it was, "I think I suck at everything I do and it makes me feel like shit when I fuck up because it justifies the low opinion of me that I feel everyone must have." I never really thought of it that way, but that's pretty much how it is. I feel that everyone thinks I'm a loser and I have to try so fucking hard to make sure I don't fuck up and prove them right. What does this have to do with the show on the 29th? Well I fucked up, a lot, and there were people there who I sure didn't want to see me fuck up. I felt like complete shit that whole weekend. Not because I performed badly, but because I performed badly in front of someone who already thought I was a pathetic fucking loser, and I just confirmed those thoughts. We played another show this past Friday and I didn't fuck up once. Of course, when I do things right no one was there that I gave a damn about.
I think I have basically decided to cut certain people out of my life. It's entirely because of me, but for some reason I feel like I can't really be myself around them and I've always got to be "on." I feel like any time I'm invited to go do things it's out of pity and they really don't want me there, I just can't relax and enjoy myself like that. I shouldn't feel that way, but I do and I think its far too late in my life for me to be able to move past it.