Well, the ups and downs of life are hitting me hard..... came into town to take my car in and it needs a $600 part....so nice. I really just have that kind of money floating around......
My "ex" (I loosely use that term) was at the club last night. He glared at me when I was telling his friend I couldn't come to his party because I was broke....I'm only doing 3 hours of rehearsals a day, raising a kid and he owes me money. It's all just fundamentally wrong to pay to go to his event. Unfortunately, out of all of his friends, I am one of the few that stands up for what I believe in. I told our one friend, even if I had money I couldn't go. That it was wrong. That he should be letting me in for free. Sometimes I wish I was more of a bitch and would let him have it in the vindication department. If I really wanted to a bitch so much could be said but I won't because that's not who I am. I have more pride in my actions than that. It's just nice to have evil thoughts when you're mad.
I went back and read over my journal entries from the whole time we were falling apart and how horrible I felt and how sad I was. There are remnants of that but it's at least comforting to know that even though I still feel sad sometimes, I'm not nearly as heartbroken as I was.
Does love pick you or do you pick love? I'm alwasy so careful about who I love. The first one was a great choice, didn't work out but he is still a good friend. We still talk and laugh. People say we should get back together but I know we never will. He's my friend. I'm happy to leave it that way. The second one, is the one that I really fell the hardest for and broke my heart into a million little shards that I had to find at the end and put them all back together. I really thought he was it and he REALLY wasn't. So what do you do? Carry on I guess. I read an article by Pamela Anderson (go figure.... it was in the hairdressers while I was waiting for the dood to get his hair cut. Not much to read.) Anyway, she said that sex and relationships are the hardest after having kids (no shit) but that focusing on them and what's important is the best solution. Well, that's pretty much me and always has been. But like I've said in other entries, bravery is so elusive. Even in myself, although I think I am a brave person, sometimes you have to wonder if you really are or not. It's the trade I've also talked about before, it's not cheap but you live with it and sometimes love it and sometimes hate it.
Although the whole little silent conversation between the ex and myself disturbed me, in the end, I am happy I am outside it all. I have cut the ties. I have stood up for being me. And, as I look out what the future may hold, I know that because I have cut those ties, I can go anywhere. There is nothing holding me back.
................>
I remembered this memory of being about 4 or 5 and living in Ottawa. My parents were having a party of some kind. Now, my parents really did not have a lot of money but I remember our apartment being full of "big" people and wine and things to eat. What I remember distinctly other than weaving in and out of all these big people was the pair of pyjamas my mom bought me distinctly for this party. That might seem strange but since I'm a mom I understand. You don't want anyone to see your kid in holey, ratty clothes and since this party would take place right around bedtime, my mom knew her guests would see her daughter at least briefly. So these pyjamas were bright yellow with 2 or 3 little buttons near the top shaped like lemons. I rarely got new clothes as a kid. It was usually hand me downs. I felt like a princess in my yellow nightgown. What triggered the memory, was the fact that I still carry that feeling in me today..... when I receive something special, it's like that sparkly, magical moment all over again. Hehehehe........at least for the most part.
.........>
Update......so I posted an article(properly referenced!) in a ravesite that I've belonged to for awhile. It was an article about a well known sampler.
This is what response I got:
Dj Domain wrote:
Too long, didn't read.
Nice eh? Nice that our world is so full of idiots.
My "ex" (I loosely use that term) was at the club last night. He glared at me when I was telling his friend I couldn't come to his party because I was broke....I'm only doing 3 hours of rehearsals a day, raising a kid and he owes me money. It's all just fundamentally wrong to pay to go to his event. Unfortunately, out of all of his friends, I am one of the few that stands up for what I believe in. I told our one friend, even if I had money I couldn't go. That it was wrong. That he should be letting me in for free. Sometimes I wish I was more of a bitch and would let him have it in the vindication department. If I really wanted to a bitch so much could be said but I won't because that's not who I am. I have more pride in my actions than that. It's just nice to have evil thoughts when you're mad.
I went back and read over my journal entries from the whole time we were falling apart and how horrible I felt and how sad I was. There are remnants of that but it's at least comforting to know that even though I still feel sad sometimes, I'm not nearly as heartbroken as I was.
Does love pick you or do you pick love? I'm alwasy so careful about who I love. The first one was a great choice, didn't work out but he is still a good friend. We still talk and laugh. People say we should get back together but I know we never will. He's my friend. I'm happy to leave it that way. The second one, is the one that I really fell the hardest for and broke my heart into a million little shards that I had to find at the end and put them all back together. I really thought he was it and he REALLY wasn't. So what do you do? Carry on I guess. I read an article by Pamela Anderson (go figure.... it was in the hairdressers while I was waiting for the dood to get his hair cut. Not much to read.) Anyway, she said that sex and relationships are the hardest after having kids (no shit) but that focusing on them and what's important is the best solution. Well, that's pretty much me and always has been. But like I've said in other entries, bravery is so elusive. Even in myself, although I think I am a brave person, sometimes you have to wonder if you really are or not. It's the trade I've also talked about before, it's not cheap but you live with it and sometimes love it and sometimes hate it.
Although the whole little silent conversation between the ex and myself disturbed me, in the end, I am happy I am outside it all. I have cut the ties. I have stood up for being me. And, as I look out what the future may hold, I know that because I have cut those ties, I can go anywhere. There is nothing holding me back.
................>
I remembered this memory of being about 4 or 5 and living in Ottawa. My parents were having a party of some kind. Now, my parents really did not have a lot of money but I remember our apartment being full of "big" people and wine and things to eat. What I remember distinctly other than weaving in and out of all these big people was the pair of pyjamas my mom bought me distinctly for this party. That might seem strange but since I'm a mom I understand. You don't want anyone to see your kid in holey, ratty clothes and since this party would take place right around bedtime, my mom knew her guests would see her daughter at least briefly. So these pyjamas were bright yellow with 2 or 3 little buttons near the top shaped like lemons. I rarely got new clothes as a kid. It was usually hand me downs. I felt like a princess in my yellow nightgown. What triggered the memory, was the fact that I still carry that feeling in me today..... when I receive something special, it's like that sparkly, magical moment all over again. Hehehehe........at least for the most part.
.........>
Update......so I posted an article(properly referenced!) in a ravesite that I've belonged to for awhile. It was an article about a well known sampler.
This is what response I got:
Dj Domain wrote:
Too long, didn't read.
Nice eh? Nice that our world is so full of idiots.
VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
There is a balance between being upfront and being bitchy. I realized for me that would feel better for confronting someone and being straight about my feelings, but that when I let those angry mean words fly that I was thinking, I really wouldn't feel better. Your right about that, it's great to stand up for yourself but going to far can leave you feeling as petty as the person you are confronting.
My mom always told me that you choose how much power someone has to affect your feelings, and if you realize that you can always take that power away from someone who really doesn't care about you.
Oh and the last time I needed my car fixed the part was $40
but the labor was $600!!! That was ridiculous!
Hope your week goes better!
As for love... I think it's a combination of both. I think it finds you, but you have to be in the right mind set to sense the opportunity. In hindsight I've missed a few good ones because I was preoccupied with something else (usually something stupid.) I really like the kind of relationships where you're comfortable enough with each other afterwards that you can still be friends.
I loved you story about the new pajamas. It reminds me of my childhood. It's very strange to think about - when I was yougn and growing up we were very much a middle to lower income family, I used to wear hand-me-downs from my sister (you can imagine how that made me feel at the time). But as I grew up my parents became more and more successful, and are now quite well off. So it's really bizarre to remember those old clothes and having my parents cut my hair because it saved money now, when they live in a big house and drive nice cars. Life is funny that way. I think not having money at some point in your life is the key to finding out what sort of person you really are. Life is a lot easier when you don't have to wonder if you'll have enough money to eat for the week.