mistressq

I need to continue my diatribe on masturbation. Actually, I meant to include this little snippet of too-much-information in yesterday's entry and I was too damn busy at work. But it's here now:

I've talked to guys that say they are totally addicted to jerking off. They say they can't let a day go by without spanking the proverbial monkey, even if they are fucking someone other than themselves. I don't really have a need to masturbate EVERY day ... in fact, I am just a lazy fucker (pun intended) and masturbation almost gets like flossing your teeth. Like, I know I should more often, but I just can't bring myself to do it. Or sometimes I'll start and distract myself and stop in the middle (yeah, I've been known to do this during sex with someone else as well). Oooh, I have a story about that as well (see, I am like fucking Sofia from "The Golden Girls" -- I have a story for everything (well, except about snowballing, as I learned recently).

But I digress ...

My point is really that I can't masturbate without some mechanical device doing it for me. I think there are probably a few reasons why this is so -- the obvious being that I've been fucking myself this way for over a decade. Secondly, while I don't think my use of vibrators has necessarily desensitized my clit (when I masturbate, I go straight for the clit unless I have lots of time and energy), I do know that I cum quickest and easiest with constant clit stimulation. Sadly, if you are going down on me, you best have lots of stamina, cause it's going to take you a LOOOOONG while to get me off. Anyhow ...

So, for months, the box under my bed (conveniently located) in which I store my sundry sex toys, lube, etc., was like a graveyard for dead or dying vibrators. I really need Black and Decker to come out with THE indestructible vibe because I tend to break the ones I buy within the course of a month (thankfully, Toys In Babeland has a 30 day warantee). Anyhow, I had all these vibrators that didn't really work right -- and I couldn't decide whether I should recycle them or just throw them in the regular trash, so they remained in my magic box (no, not THAT magic box ... pervs).

So, one night I came home and I was fucking horny. I don't even remember why this was so, but I remember my clit was just throbbing for a little attention. I jump into bed, push down my probably already-damp panties, and reach under the bed for a vibe and the first one I brought out was a cream colored one with ribbing on the sides (for pleasure, I guess). I turn it on and it makes a lot of noise, but doesn't vibrate. Fuck. I reach into the box again and pull out a purple slimline. I turn it on and nothing happens. I put in new batteries and give it another try ... still nothing. Fuck. Again I reach down and pull out the Juli Ashton fucking pink $45 pocket rocket. It works ... sort of ... but the stimulation is so slow and indirect, squirm as I may, it ain't doing it. Finally, I pull out the Auto Vibe ...

I bought the Auto Vibe at Toys In Babeland over a year ago because I was assured by the salesgirl that it was the strongest battery-powered vibe they sold (I don't trust anything I have to plug into a wall socket near my cunt). Anyhow, it looks like THIS and is called the Auto Vibe because you can either plug it directly into the cigarette lighter of your car (for those long family car trips, I guess) or you can use the 8 "AA" powered battery box.

So, I pull this one out -- and I've only ever used it once before and when I did, the vibrator got so hot I had to stop and then the batteries exploded and leaked acide all over the battery compartment --and of course, it doesn't have any batteries in it. Now I am horny AND annoyed. I get out of bed ... I don't even have the patience to pull my panties back up to their rightful position ... and I hobble around the room looking for any device I own that might contain AA batteries. I take two out of the remote control, one out of the minidisc recorder, two out of my walkman and I still need three. At this point, I look like a crazed heroin junkie trashing her apartment for that last hit. I am desperate. Then I remember the stupid label maker I won at a company christmas party last year and popped that fucker open and took all six of its batteries (just in case).

So I load the auto-vibe up and it sucks. My experience with it this time is no different from it's maiden voyage -- the vibrator gets so hot it's burning my clit in an uncomfortable way. Then I smell that sickly sweet smell of the batteries exploding. Exasperated, I toss the entire contraption into the trash can and give up out of frustration. I fell asleep with my panties still around my thighs and vibrator carcasses strewn haphazardly around the room.

The next day I relayed this tale to a co-worker of mine and she looks at me quizzically for a second and asks "Why didn't you just use your fingers?"

I guess I never thought of that ...