I think I've finally figured out what exactly it is I'm feeling right now.
Earlier today, I was on this goddamned machine, trying vainly to figure out a month's worth of assignments in a few hours. My ex-girlfriend chatted with me for a bit, as did the loverly tawnya, and they both independently told me the same thing- take a fucking break. So I did.
I got cleaned up, went outside and enjoyed the sunshine for a bit. I sat at my local Starbucks and drank a coffee and smoked, and started reading my new book- I can already tell it's gonna be good. My mind kept wandering, though...
I thought about a few things, but mainly I thought about my future in this life. If I've failed as badly as I think I have, I think that might be it. At that moment, sitting outside in my shitty little town, suddenly I knew what was in store for me. I might as well sell my smart little commuter car and finance a pickup, move into a trailer in the bad part of town, take the first shitty job that comes along, and go hang out in honkytonk bars until I meet a girl with big hair that I could take home and rut with like dogs, and then eventually marry her. In short, I felt like no matter what, I would be destined to wind up like my father. Of course, I would develop a drinking problem and beat my kids like he did.
Then I remembered to the conversations I had with tawnya and Sarah (my ex) before I left the house. They told me two things that really stuck, and reminded me that that kind of life is most definitely NOT what I'm meant for. tawnya (God bless her soul) told me that I was a smart guy, and Sarah told me that I was a good guy, with a good heart. Those two things made me feel a lot better about my life.
I'm still unsure what the future holds, but I did figure out what I was feeling- at first it was resignedment. After I thought about things for a bit, it turned into something different- a mixture of anger and determination. I felt enervated. I felt angry at both the school and myself- ten weeks is not enough to learn program design, with a new language, but I should have studied more. There are so many things I could have done differently this quarter, but I'm tired of beating myself up about them. I'm tired, period.
All I want is to go to school and learn something that will get me a good job. That's all. I'm having doubts about my choice so far, though- maybe I'm just not smart enough for this field.
I really hope I'm learning something from all these bad decisions I keep making. It sure doesn't feel like I am, though.
Earlier today, I was on this goddamned machine, trying vainly to figure out a month's worth of assignments in a few hours. My ex-girlfriend chatted with me for a bit, as did the loverly tawnya, and they both independently told me the same thing- take a fucking break. So I did.
I got cleaned up, went outside and enjoyed the sunshine for a bit. I sat at my local Starbucks and drank a coffee and smoked, and started reading my new book- I can already tell it's gonna be good. My mind kept wandering, though...
I thought about a few things, but mainly I thought about my future in this life. If I've failed as badly as I think I have, I think that might be it. At that moment, sitting outside in my shitty little town, suddenly I knew what was in store for me. I might as well sell my smart little commuter car and finance a pickup, move into a trailer in the bad part of town, take the first shitty job that comes along, and go hang out in honkytonk bars until I meet a girl with big hair that I could take home and rut with like dogs, and then eventually marry her. In short, I felt like no matter what, I would be destined to wind up like my father. Of course, I would develop a drinking problem and beat my kids like he did.
Then I remembered to the conversations I had with tawnya and Sarah (my ex) before I left the house. They told me two things that really stuck, and reminded me that that kind of life is most definitely NOT what I'm meant for. tawnya (God bless her soul) told me that I was a smart guy, and Sarah told me that I was a good guy, with a good heart. Those two things made me feel a lot better about my life.
I'm still unsure what the future holds, but I did figure out what I was feeling- at first it was resignedment. After I thought about things for a bit, it turned into something different- a mixture of anger and determination. I felt enervated. I felt angry at both the school and myself- ten weeks is not enough to learn program design, with a new language, but I should have studied more. There are so many things I could have done differently this quarter, but I'm tired of beating myself up about them. I'm tired, period.
All I want is to go to school and learn something that will get me a good job. That's all. I'm having doubts about my choice so far, though- maybe I'm just not smart enough for this field.
I really hope I'm learning something from all these bad decisions I keep making. It sure doesn't feel like I am, though.
VIEW 13 of 13 COMMENTS
pucabul:
Sounds like you're going through alot of soul-searching right now. From what I can tell it's similar to a phase I went through. I felt for sure I wasn't going to accomplish anything, but in the end that phase is part of what has brought me to where I am now, which really isn't a bad place to be. I wish I could offer you advice, but these usually have to be worked through, but I'd say you have some good friends and that's something you can definately take solace in. May fortune smile upon you.
anonymouse:
I am emailing you a million hugs right now. I hope they don't bounce!