Yeah I'm published!:
Editorial Intervention
The following is an excerpt from, Early Ecclesiastical and the God-thripe History of North America, by Hucklebee Toynbee
CHAPTER 24
THE DAKOTA YEARS
In the later part of the 19th century, Angel hunting was one of the most popular sports in the midwest second only to breath sports. Breath sports were originally concieved by women in the back position for men to push into as a form of condensation to improve concentration. (That is, focus on social priorities.) There were two major types of breath sports at this time: Muck-bumping and Rolfing. Muck-bumping, the most popular was used for, molecular mongering and considered illegal, punishable by eternal damnation and nunnery refractoring. Rolfing was created by Trappist monks in Nova Scotia. The monks where known as the, Cistercian Order of the Strick Observance. They later migrated south in 1900 and settled in what is now called, Cumbland, Rhoder Island, where it is believed they engaged in "spiritual copulations." Cumbland, Rhoder Island is also the site of, Dismembered Bodies, the eternal nine and thier Indian-misery. Rolfing is believed to be a bastardization of Muck-bumping. It is a painful practice of masochism where the terminal shiver-pex is used in pataphysical, scrotal ablutions and finished with a flicking of the penis head. A zinc pot is required. Rolfing was considered the only legal breath sport by ecclesiastical law. The participants, known as professional breathers would divine Wind-seed and Mary-song by applying rapid flow witching sticks to the backs of the wayward at dusk. Back hairs enriched with waters of Des Culpa and Captain Red would fall in Li (grain) pointing the way to withered greens where either Wind-seed or Mary-song could be found or not found. Either way, terminal shiver-pex would conclude the "sport." These games were practiced only by men of the appropriate age (?) and only after the emotion cord had been severed.
Both, breath sports and Angel hunting began to decline with the advent of the Brahma Basting Dirge which replaced all courting rituals. Banning private smiles, public eye contact, and Absenthe the Americas saw a gradual decrease in population growth begining in 1861 and reaching its low in 1918. In some parts of the country, mostly the poorer regions such as the Lynn territories and Kansas, Breath sport is refered to as Goop funneling. Breath sports came to an end in 1905 and would not resume again until the, "Sexual Revolution" of the 1960s.
The first recorded angel sighting in the Americas was in Febuary of 1855 by, Reverend Raymond Farley. The Angel was seen by a Mr. Elmer Darius, of Buckskin North Dakota. After going to confession Mr. Darius ran up to Reverend Farley, saying he forgot to mention something, "bout an Angel." He asked the mminister for advise and salvation. It is recorded in, Farley's church minutes as such:
I was approached this Saterday by a Mr. Darius Elmer, a small gnarled man with a restrained truculence and a prodigious pate. His clothes were dirty and too big for him. After much blabbering which I found difficult to understand because he kept falling into a whisper, (I was loath to lean in closer to listen on an account that he had been unwashed for what may have been countless days,) I said to him, "Speak up man! There are no secrets in Gods house." He stopped and swallowed his tabacco. His eyes were bulging out of his head.
"Fader." He said. "Fader, it wuz thee most bootiful thin I'd evar seen with mine own two eyes. Wings as white as snhow with a span as log as a grown mans body lyin in the bed. He just right flew from a cluster of o Mullberry down by Varic's stream."
At which point I asked Mr. Darius where? he looked at me puzzled and I clarified, where along the stream? He then looked at me incredulous like and said,
"Where in tarnashins do ya think fader? I just done be tellin ya there was the cluster of Mullberry bush that the thin done flown out of and every body here be knowin that the only cluster o Mullberry bush along Varic's stream is by the saw grass field that done borders O'brians farm! Jeeees!"
I offered my apologies to Mr. darius and reminded him that I had only been here for less shy of two weeks. That this was a new assignment for me and I was yet to learn the lay of the land and could he please watch his language. He then apologized for using the Lord's name in vain. I then asked him, "When the Angel... as you say, with it's beautiful wings of snow, flew from yonder Mullberry bush, what did you do?"
"Well i shot it." He said.
"You shot it!" I exclaimed.
"Why, yes," he said, "what was I supposed to do? Let it get away!"
You could imagine my consternation when he told me this, especially as he had come to me to ask for forgiveness. I told him the good Lord did not have a proper punishment for killing Angels, as nothing was written and so it was out of my league and the further, he needed to take the matter up with God, that now it was between he and his maker. I then asked him if the Angel was still there and he said, "Yes. Dead as a door nail." Mr. Darius then took me down to Varic's stream where sure enough, lay the forementioned Angel.
He lay sprawled on his back with his feet in the water. he was tall, six foot or so and his face was beautiful and very boyish. He looked like a regular man only unnaturally beautiful, like porcelin. He had no wings that I could see. I said to Mr. Elmer Darius,
"Mr. Darius, where are his wings? If he be an Angel, beautiful as he is, he be an Angel sans wings."
"What does sans mean?"
"With out. Mr. Darius. With out wings with out wings!"
"Well." He said, "That's because I cut them off. Look here."
He then rolled the Angel over and revealed on of the most gruesome sites I think I have ever beheld in my life. there it was. Two bones jutting out from the shoulder blades, bloodied and broken off and smolderng. there was a bullet wound through the Angels neck. When I touched the Angel's forehead, it felt like a block of ice. It was right about then that the skies began to darken and the fear of God began to seep into my bones. A spatterng of rain began to fall in large dropplets. I asked him why he would cut the wings offf and he said, "cuz they were so purtty."
"God help you." I said. Then I gave prayers as the rain began to fall harder. As it landed on the Angels skin it would hiss. The two of us ran back to the church.
The next morning all was gone but the imprint of the body. A chard imprint of the body. Father MacGuire can attest."
---from the Revered Farley's minutes---
Editorial Intervention
The following is an excerpt from, Early Ecclesiastical and the God-thripe History of North America, by Hucklebee Toynbee
CHAPTER 24
THE DAKOTA YEARS
In the later part of the 19th century, Angel hunting was one of the most popular sports in the midwest second only to breath sports. Breath sports were originally concieved by women in the back position for men to push into as a form of condensation to improve concentration. (That is, focus on social priorities.) There were two major types of breath sports at this time: Muck-bumping and Rolfing. Muck-bumping, the most popular was used for, molecular mongering and considered illegal, punishable by eternal damnation and nunnery refractoring. Rolfing was created by Trappist monks in Nova Scotia. The monks where known as the, Cistercian Order of the Strick Observance. They later migrated south in 1900 and settled in what is now called, Cumbland, Rhoder Island, where it is believed they engaged in "spiritual copulations." Cumbland, Rhoder Island is also the site of, Dismembered Bodies, the eternal nine and thier Indian-misery. Rolfing is believed to be a bastardization of Muck-bumping. It is a painful practice of masochism where the terminal shiver-pex is used in pataphysical, scrotal ablutions and finished with a flicking of the penis head. A zinc pot is required. Rolfing was considered the only legal breath sport by ecclesiastical law. The participants, known as professional breathers would divine Wind-seed and Mary-song by applying rapid flow witching sticks to the backs of the wayward at dusk. Back hairs enriched with waters of Des Culpa and Captain Red would fall in Li (grain) pointing the way to withered greens where either Wind-seed or Mary-song could be found or not found. Either way, terminal shiver-pex would conclude the "sport." These games were practiced only by men of the appropriate age (?) and only after the emotion cord had been severed.
Both, breath sports and Angel hunting began to decline with the advent of the Brahma Basting Dirge which replaced all courting rituals. Banning private smiles, public eye contact, and Absenthe the Americas saw a gradual decrease in population growth begining in 1861 and reaching its low in 1918. In some parts of the country, mostly the poorer regions such as the Lynn territories and Kansas, Breath sport is refered to as Goop funneling. Breath sports came to an end in 1905 and would not resume again until the, "Sexual Revolution" of the 1960s.
The first recorded angel sighting in the Americas was in Febuary of 1855 by, Reverend Raymond Farley. The Angel was seen by a Mr. Elmer Darius, of Buckskin North Dakota. After going to confession Mr. Darius ran up to Reverend Farley, saying he forgot to mention something, "bout an Angel." He asked the mminister for advise and salvation. It is recorded in, Farley's church minutes as such:
I was approached this Saterday by a Mr. Darius Elmer, a small gnarled man with a restrained truculence and a prodigious pate. His clothes were dirty and too big for him. After much blabbering which I found difficult to understand because he kept falling into a whisper, (I was loath to lean in closer to listen on an account that he had been unwashed for what may have been countless days,) I said to him, "Speak up man! There are no secrets in Gods house." He stopped and swallowed his tabacco. His eyes were bulging out of his head.
"Fader." He said. "Fader, it wuz thee most bootiful thin I'd evar seen with mine own two eyes. Wings as white as snhow with a span as log as a grown mans body lyin in the bed. He just right flew from a cluster of o Mullberry down by Varic's stream."
At which point I asked Mr. Darius where? he looked at me puzzled and I clarified, where along the stream? He then looked at me incredulous like and said,
"Where in tarnashins do ya think fader? I just done be tellin ya there was the cluster of Mullberry bush that the thin done flown out of and every body here be knowin that the only cluster o Mullberry bush along Varic's stream is by the saw grass field that done borders O'brians farm! Jeeees!"
I offered my apologies to Mr. darius and reminded him that I had only been here for less shy of two weeks. That this was a new assignment for me and I was yet to learn the lay of the land and could he please watch his language. He then apologized for using the Lord's name in vain. I then asked him, "When the Angel... as you say, with it's beautiful wings of snow, flew from yonder Mullberry bush, what did you do?"
"Well i shot it." He said.
"You shot it!" I exclaimed.
"Why, yes," he said, "what was I supposed to do? Let it get away!"
You could imagine my consternation when he told me this, especially as he had come to me to ask for forgiveness. I told him the good Lord did not have a proper punishment for killing Angels, as nothing was written and so it was out of my league and the further, he needed to take the matter up with God, that now it was between he and his maker. I then asked him if the Angel was still there and he said, "Yes. Dead as a door nail." Mr. Darius then took me down to Varic's stream where sure enough, lay the forementioned Angel.
He lay sprawled on his back with his feet in the water. he was tall, six foot or so and his face was beautiful and very boyish. He looked like a regular man only unnaturally beautiful, like porcelin. He had no wings that I could see. I said to Mr. Elmer Darius,
"Mr. Darius, where are his wings? If he be an Angel, beautiful as he is, he be an Angel sans wings."
"What does sans mean?"
"With out. Mr. Darius. With out wings with out wings!"
"Well." He said, "That's because I cut them off. Look here."
He then rolled the Angel over and revealed on of the most gruesome sites I think I have ever beheld in my life. there it was. Two bones jutting out from the shoulder blades, bloodied and broken off and smolderng. there was a bullet wound through the Angels neck. When I touched the Angel's forehead, it felt like a block of ice. It was right about then that the skies began to darken and the fear of God began to seep into my bones. A spatterng of rain began to fall in large dropplets. I asked him why he would cut the wings offf and he said, "cuz they were so purtty."
"God help you." I said. Then I gave prayers as the rain began to fall harder. As it landed on the Angels skin it would hiss. The two of us ran back to the church.
The next morning all was gone but the imprint of the body. A chard imprint of the body. Father MacGuire can attest."
---from the Revered Farley's minutes---