misterjesus

I'm sorry to everybody who I have hurt and annoyed from SG.


This is my last night with access to SG for a while.

I am going away now to figure out who I am and hopefully to if not fix everything that is wrong at least find a way of fixing it.

during my time here i have made some great friends, both who I have met and those I have not met (yet I hope)

I am depressed, very depressed and frankly things have gotten to be too much for me to cope with on my own anymore. I have put my dog into a home to be looked after I hope he will be ok, I will miss him terribly. but i need to do this.

I don't really know if I will return to SG who can say? i hope not to lose touch with those of you I care about, and I hope you can understand at least a little of what has brought me to this point.

I have been alone emotionally for a very long time, I've been acting strong, confident and funny for a long time. everyday for five years now a little part of me has been dying everyday.

if this all sounds very melodramatic and over the top, then maybe it is and maybe that is part of what is wrong with me.

I've been truely in love with three people in my whole life, (not withstanding my daughter) the first was my ex wife, who left me in december of 2000 just after we bought this house together, I learned to love her, and found out later that you can't learn to love somebody you can only fool yourself for a short while before your internal lies catch up with you.

The 2nd person I loved (and a part of me still does, I don't like her, but you can't stop loving somebody ever I don't think) this was a heart stopping bang right in the face love at first site deal, I loved Clare more than anything in the world, she was my world, everything I needed and wanted. she left really one year ago emotionally and 6 months ago actually. this broke me and I wondered if I would ever recover from it.

the last person I fell in love with was recent. and again this was like a slap in the face and has worried me because of the effect it has had on me.

in my life I have had troubles, no more so than anybody else no less so than others. i won't bore you with the details if you don't already know some of it.

SG has been a lifeline and a crutch to me, and some of you have been beyond great friends to me, some of you I would do anything for.

I feel in some part that I have been misunderstood here and that is most probably down to me.

never before have I felt so alone in my life and the funny thing is that never before have I had such a large group of real friends. this is an obvious sign of my depression as well.

some of you know that I have a eating disorder I ignored this for a long time and told myself that what I was doing was normal. it isn't. and something has to change.

I do have a poor self image and I can;t expect anybody to like me when I don't like myself.

I enjoyed meeting the people that I have from SG.

and now for the part that is most important to me.

am I MisterJesus? or am I Damien?

I actually don't know anymore.

apologies for any spelling mistakes.