misterjesus

I just don't know how much more I can take.

it's getting harder and harder to leave this house without getting that overwhelming panic setting in, I went to the bank yesterday and had to wait a while for some stuff so I walked out into the market and I felt ok for a while but as i walked down the road in my nice warm coat I got more and more aware of everybody around me and I thought,

do you sometimes just want to walk up to somebody grab them by the shoulders and shout "I know how you feel"

I like to walk, I like to watch my shoes as I'm walking one foot the other foot, watching the ground looking at all the discarded bits of paper and wrappers I think to myself sometimes, look at all the hard work that went into designing that, and now it's just rotting away to itself on the ground.

So I have this kinda new-ish job (I needed the money so I went back to working for somebody else) and it's ok the people are nice I am just having a hard time coping with trying to sort out my house, my finances, my new dog, my cats, my dad being sick.. etc etc...

without my ex around for what little support she gave me emotionally it just makes things that much harder sometimes. I know when I wrtie it makes sense to myself but I often wonder if anybody else "get" it.

and sometimes I don't even make sense to me.

So what do I do?

it's my birthday soon, deep joy, I am getting more and more aware that my age is becoming a problem for me, I don't feel so good most of the time and I can't stay up late and get up early any more because my body just won't do it.

so I fucked up, I missed my chance to have a family I screwed the hound in the whole life partner/marriage thing too and now what? in some ways I kinda like being on my own I can do pretty much what I like provided I have the motivation, but on the other hand nobody would notice if I was just gone one day.

I made chicken stew yesterday, which was nice.