I want to start of by saying rejection sucks! Whether it be by friends, boyfriends, or anyone it always sucks and forces us to examine parts of ourselves that perhaps we see as our faults. Its taken me a very long time to start to accept my differences and quirks, and I say "start" because literally I am still working on it and I feel it will be a long process.
Back when I was younger, school age days, I was fairly introverted. My mother would describe me as the kid who would stand on the outside of the circle and have to be urged to go play with the other kids. Once I got past the initial hesitation of joining in, I was fine and played fairly well with others, however I always needed that push.
Now I am not sure exactly when this changed, but by the time I reached high school I had discovered that in order for kids to like me, to be popular, I had to be a certain type of person. Seeing how I was not an overly attractive teenager, and fairly tomboyish this could have been very difficult. Luckily for me I had Athleticism. Which basically meant instant popularity, and acceptance. I portrayed confidence, and and attitude formed, and honestly I became the "mean girl". It wasn't who I really was at all, and often despite being well known around school and seemingly having a lots of friends, I still felt alone. I changed "best friends" frequently through high school as I am sure a lot of girls do, due to the bitchy nature of being, well, female.
Once out of high school and into the real world it was quickly realized, my level of athleticism was not going to carry me any where worth while or life sustaining so I needed to figure out what I was going to do. I took my inflated sense of ego, and my now somewhat less awkward looking appearance and I got employed in the bar industry. A life filled with meaningless sex, fake bitchy girls, and an overwhelming sense of competitiveness to stay relevant. Not going to lie the money was great, and I loved the lifestyle. Even more so it was like I never left high school....I was still popular!! The difference now was I was considered by most to be "attractive" (keep in mind I worked in night clubs where it was dark, and they were all drunk). So I shook my ass I wore as little clothing as possible, and I made a killing! Life was good, or so it seemed at the time.
Then, like so many young girls out there, I got pregnant! Life changed as I knew it. The lifestyle went away, and so did all the "friends" I thought I had. Once again I was alone. Struggling to find my next move and figure out where I belonged was tough. I had the baby and I won't go into that part of my life at this moment but I did return to the bar lifestyle. 14 years I spent in the bars, I was good at it. I portrayed this confident, sexy woman, who knew what I wanted in life. And yet my actual life was filled with a ton of meaningless relationships, ones that I thought had meaning, but by the end was clear it was very one sided. This happen over and over and over again. I always found that I was being rejected by those who I seemed to want the most.
Now more recently I was once again rejected, and funny enough it wasn't by anyone of significance in my life. It was a boy who I had just met and had been "getting to know". Hell we had only ever hung out a few times in a restaurant/pub setting having a few beers and shared one kiss. Thats it!! Yet when he "friend zoned me" (for reasons I also will not go into here, but save for a later rant) I was devastated. It took me a few days to recover and gather my racing thoughts, and thats when it hit me! A revelation! For years, hell over a decade I had been playing pretend. I portrayed one person to the rest of the world in hopes of being accepted and successful, and in reality no one knows me. I don't even think I know myself. This boy told me that "our personalities clash" and yet we had never been outside of a social setting, we had never just relaxed and watched a movie, and I was insulted that he even thought he knew my personality to make that judgement.
The part that also seemed to strike me pretty deeply was the fact that, more recently I have been finding that my "quirks" and being "different" or maybe even a little "awkward" are ok. I felt I was getting away from the typical and into a world where I might be able to be accepted for who it is I think I really am. This boy was a part of that world. Totally different. Tattoos, and seemingly a little dark and twisted, and yet when we talked we had a lot of things in common that we liked. I was excited for the first time in a long time, and I thought this is a guy I can be myself with.
So imagine my shock when after a night out and that first kiss was shared, we had a discussion the following day to which he referred to me as "creepy". Not different or unique which is how I was starting to view myself, but "creepy". That hurt, at first, But as the days went by it didn't really bother me as much. If my being forward, and somewhat aggressive in my approach to getting to know if someone is interested or not makes me creepy, then so be it. I accept that! Yet having that rejection by someone who i see as almost a reflection of myself, a little dark and twisty but with a softer side hidden underneath, made me question who I am once again and feel alone...AGAIN! If I don't belong with the "alternative lifestyle" bunch and I don't fit in with the "cool kids" anymore where does that leave me??
Well I wish I could end this with an answer but unfortunately I am still trying to figure that out. I know I am different, and unique, and not always in a good way. Life is full of cliques and groups of people and we define ourselves by the groups we fit into, so what if you don't fit into any group? Or maybe you fit into multiple groups? There are two sides to me for sure, the one that the world sees, and the one who is still standing on the outside of the circle being urged to play with the other kids. Not sure where my niche is yet....but I'm working on it.
Krystalxoxo
