I'm so hurt..... not so much as pissed off.. but hurt more then anything...
I always try to look at the bright side of things. I try to always believe that there is love no matter how bad something is but it's getting harder and harder for me to keep a flame on when it's just turning into one small lit candle in a dark corner of a room.
I have some time off before I return to work and decided even though I really didn't want to but did anyway.... come and visit San Antonio since I won't be able to come for Thanksgiving or Christmas because of work.
After about a 5 hour drive I get into town and call my Dad. He doesn't answer his phone knowing I was coming into town and didn't hear from him the rest of the day. I get to my Mom's house and she just isn't having a good day and talks to me for about 20 min then has to leave because she has things to do. I spend a couple of hours with my sister then she has to leave somewhere. I ask her to please call me more because she never answers my calls or calls me. She says okay she will and still.. no call.
My ex husband has tried to makeup and be nice for being an asshole to me in the past and wants to be friends. So he wanted to hung out and go out. I also needed a place to crash and he offered. Hell I've known the guy for 9 years of my life and I didn't think anything bad of it. He took me out for India food and then went to the book store. We laughed and joked like old times and for once I was happy getting to know him again. I always had alittle hope that maybe things would be okay because he was my first love and my husband at one time.
After the book store we headed back to his place and I got to play with the cats. I was really tired and he said I could have the bed. Well the couch is not at all comfy and told him I didn't mind him sleeping in the bed. I have never had to worry about him ever doing anything to me. So we are laying in bed and laughing joking, poking each other and being silly. I haven't laughed so much in so long and it felt like old times. Next thing I know his shirt is off, mines coming off, pants are off from play fighting. I laugh in my underware and show my butt and say oh I'm just teasing and the next thing I know he opens my legs and starts rubbing me over my underware saying I'll show you teasing and grabs my hand and puts it on his (you know).
I've missed him so much and was thinking it was like how things used to be but then I snapped and moved. I covered my self feeling so dirty and just looked at him. He told me he was sorry and would go to the other room. I got right up against him and held his face looking at the man I used to be so in love with. Looking into his eyes, touching his face and lips. I asked him.. thinking (could everything really be okay now? are we falling for each other again?) Do you want to kiss me? He just looks at me and says his sorry.
I ran to the bathroom and just on the floor. I felt dirty, used, and felt like he was just like any other guys that just wanted a piece of ass.
After getting my shit and not saying a word he has the nerve to tell me to say something. I just look at him and tell him what the fuck do you want me to say? He was the last person I fucking trusted to not try anything. And for 1 moment I felt like for once everything was going to be okay and he finally wanted me but instead he couldn't even kiss me. The worst part is that we were both sober and so there was no excuse and couldn't blame it on anything. I told him I fucking don't ever want him in my life and got my shit and left.
I found a hotel at about 2 in the morning. I didn't want to go to my brothers because he more then likely would have hunted my ex down. So no one knows and I really just needed to get this out somehow.
I know that everything will be okay and I will just have to take care of myself the best that I can because I'm the only person that can take care of me. I just feel like all of this has been a fucking nightmare and can't wait to get back home to Dallas where I feel safe. There is nothing positive here in San Antonio and has been nothing but negative. I can't wait to be back on the road to Dallas. I will only come to visit my brother and as far as anyone else I just don't know who I can trust anymore.
I always try to look at the bright side of things. I try to always believe that there is love no matter how bad something is but it's getting harder and harder for me to keep a flame on when it's just turning into one small lit candle in a dark corner of a room.
I have some time off before I return to work and decided even though I really didn't want to but did anyway.... come and visit San Antonio since I won't be able to come for Thanksgiving or Christmas because of work.
After about a 5 hour drive I get into town and call my Dad. He doesn't answer his phone knowing I was coming into town and didn't hear from him the rest of the day. I get to my Mom's house and she just isn't having a good day and talks to me for about 20 min then has to leave because she has things to do. I spend a couple of hours with my sister then she has to leave somewhere. I ask her to please call me more because she never answers my calls or calls me. She says okay she will and still.. no call.
My ex husband has tried to makeup and be nice for being an asshole to me in the past and wants to be friends. So he wanted to hung out and go out. I also needed a place to crash and he offered. Hell I've known the guy for 9 years of my life and I didn't think anything bad of it. He took me out for India food and then went to the book store. We laughed and joked like old times and for once I was happy getting to know him again. I always had alittle hope that maybe things would be okay because he was my first love and my husband at one time.
After the book store we headed back to his place and I got to play with the cats. I was really tired and he said I could have the bed. Well the couch is not at all comfy and told him I didn't mind him sleeping in the bed. I have never had to worry about him ever doing anything to me. So we are laying in bed and laughing joking, poking each other and being silly. I haven't laughed so much in so long and it felt like old times. Next thing I know his shirt is off, mines coming off, pants are off from play fighting. I laugh in my underware and show my butt and say oh I'm just teasing and the next thing I know he opens my legs and starts rubbing me over my underware saying I'll show you teasing and grabs my hand and puts it on his (you know).
I've missed him so much and was thinking it was like how things used to be but then I snapped and moved. I covered my self feeling so dirty and just looked at him. He told me he was sorry and would go to the other room. I got right up against him and held his face looking at the man I used to be so in love with. Looking into his eyes, touching his face and lips. I asked him.. thinking (could everything really be okay now? are we falling for each other again?) Do you want to kiss me? He just looks at me and says his sorry.
I ran to the bathroom and just on the floor. I felt dirty, used, and felt like he was just like any other guys that just wanted a piece of ass.
After getting my shit and not saying a word he has the nerve to tell me to say something. I just look at him and tell him what the fuck do you want me to say? He was the last person I fucking trusted to not try anything. And for 1 moment I felt like for once everything was going to be okay and he finally wanted me but instead he couldn't even kiss me. The worst part is that we were both sober and so there was no excuse and couldn't blame it on anything. I told him I fucking don't ever want him in my life and got my shit and left.
I found a hotel at about 2 in the morning. I didn't want to go to my brothers because he more then likely would have hunted my ex down. So no one knows and I really just needed to get this out somehow.
I know that everything will be okay and I will just have to take care of myself the best that I can because I'm the only person that can take care of me. I just feel like all of this has been a fucking nightmare and can't wait to get back home to Dallas where I feel safe. There is nothing positive here in San Antonio and has been nothing but negative. I can't wait to be back on the road to Dallas. I will only come to visit my brother and as far as anyone else I just don't know who I can trust anymore.
dpgc44:
I believe in love as much as I believe in cancer sometimes. They are both diseases. If you were to never feel that way again... would you care? I am sorry that is happened to you that way. Sometimes it is hard to keep your head up when you are always on the ground.
punknitemike:
sometimes its those people that you thought you could trust end up being the ones you can't trust, sure it sucks but it happens.