misstyrios

i love cigarettes. i know that they're horrifically bad for me and that the tobacco industry is the evil incarnate...but there is no better part of my day than when i can stop doing everything else, step outside, and enjoy 10 minutes of nicotine. it's a satisfaction like no other. clearly, yes, i have the whole physical addiciton thing goin' on, but i think i am far more hooked on the act of smoking, on its representation of escape for me, on its excuse as either a social construct or a solitary enjoyment. habit and routine calms me, and cigarettes are very much a part of that ritual for me. i am not a smoker who incorporates it into everyday activities - i don't smoke while studying or watching tv or chatting on the phone. i make it a sort of treat, something to focus on so that i can gather my thoughts and step back for a few minutes, whether it be by myself or with a few friends. it takes me out of other contexts, which can facilitate an amazing friendship - sharing smoke breaks with someone on a regular basis fosters an intimacy for me that i am quite grateful for. it's the time when i can share what i might never otherwise reveal, when i can bitch and moan, when i can completely let my guard down. and that extends into other aspects of life, once that has been established. or in solitude, it is the perfect way to gather thoughts - i ran into someone today that i have a rather intense and tumultuous past with, but whom i had not seen in months. the encounter took me completely by surprise and left me feeling rather emotionally exposed - after that, i couldn't stand to just go back to the friends i was with, so i stepped outside for a cigarette, which gave me the opportunity to digest what had just happened, to sort out what i was feeling, to steel myself for dealing with whatever the consequences might be. the nicotine calmed me physically, and the few minutes helped me to gather myself. i'm not ready to give that up, regardless of all the awareness i have about my health and my body. i just love it too much.