misssmartypants

More sadness endures please do not read if you don't want to read pitiful whining:

The worse it gets the more I say "Oh it can't get any worse than this!" I'm done saying that. The more hopeful I try to be, the harder it's all coming down on me. I want to go to Heaven please.

First off, my job. I shouldn't relive this as many times as I do, but if I don't, I may kill myself thinking about it. They have moved me around so much, and kept me in the dark, I have no clue what's happening. No one ever tells me anything, it goes in a huge circle, then I find out. I don't care about dumb stuff, but when it's about my schedule or what I'm doing wrong, I wish someone could address me directly. I think everyone thinks I'm a baby because I have no clue what I'm doing (because they threw me into a position I've never done and don't want to do) their system of doing things suck (computers crashing, catch 22's, etc.) and I'm just someone who use to work in a spa so I don't have a clue what "real" work is. This is all speculation. It's just how I feel. I have no clue how to handle this situation. Not that I need advice, I know my options, I really have no clue what I want to do. All I know is I've learned I could not do something for the rest of my life that I hated doing. I hate what I do.

Second, relationships. Everything is so conditional. I'm sick of the "if you scratch my back I'll think about scratching half of yours" It seems like everyone is so swelled in their own pride. I can't think of but two people who have called me to say "How are you?" and sincerely meant it without following it with something I can do for them. I know everyone is busy, but I know if I can find time, so can everyone else. It seems like every where I turn I have to give 150% to get back 50%. I'm not trying to say anyone owes me anything, it would be nice to know you're appreciated and loved. If I don't follow the commandments of how they want me to treat them, I am cast into unforgivable Hell. A thank you would be nice if nothing else. It seems very lonely lately. I haven't the heart to be the mean guy who says "I can't do this anymore." I just keep giving, and secretly bitch about it on here, haha. Do I deserve respect? If not, why not? If so, why do I not get it? I'm relationship retarded, I always have been. WOOOO!!

Third, I hate myself for being this way! I'm not the complaining type. I think this website has made me addicted to being a whiner. Haha. I want to be happy and see the brighter side of things, but so much has brought me down recently, I don't even have the strength to think about happy things. My energy is sucked out concentrating so hard on not crying about the overload of unfortunate events. I get so bogged down when petty things start building up. None of this will affect me in 5 months. I probably won't even be able to recall this post (or atleast I hope things improve before then).

Now I'm sick of thinking about these things. I'm probably becoming an alcoholic. I don't want to quit smoking, even though I know I need to. I don't want to exercise, but I don't want to be fat either. I want someone to tell me I'm pretty to my face. I want someone to tell me I've made their life better not worse. I want a stress free situation to last more than a few hours before it gets dark outside. I want to know what I should do with the rest of my life in a career situation. I want a hot boyfriend who respects me and wants to do nice things for me. I want to be eight years old again and complain about spelling tests and not being able to find Barbie's left roller skate. I want my grandma to be alive and hold me.