misssmartypants

You know what sucks? It sucks to not go somewhere you really want to go because you're worried you might see someone you don't want to see. If you see that person, you know it'd ruin your whole night. I would rather sit at my apartment than go, because of this one person. How do I let them have that control over my life? I don't know if I'm angry or sad. I guess I'm so close to being over the situation, seeing them would just take me back to square one. Yes, I'm an avoider.

I've been thinking a lot about life and what my problem is. I'm 22 and I'm always being told "The 20's are such an uphill battle, figuring how who you are, and what you want to be." I don't know if this is true for everyone, but I can see myself going through that.

My friend and I had a long talk about this the other night. What makes us do those goofy quirky things we do. I'm so independent, it makes me mad when people try to help me. I don't like getting to know most people, because I have this assurance that I can take care of myself, I don't need anyone. As psychologistic (haha I'm sure that's not a word) as it is, I think it is because I've always taken care of myself. Even when I was little, my family is the type that says "Suck it up and deal with it yourself." Relationships seem awkward to me because of relying on myself for so long. This is why I ultimately have turned to humor. No one asks the funny girl questions. People let me be entertaining, and then go home after the show is over. Things don't get personal when you're funny. Now that I am realizing that I do this, I can see a lot of potential friendships that I've completely sabotaged. Especially with the sarcasm, I feel myself saying the harshest things as a "joke" so people won't want to be close to me.

ON TOP OF THAT

Being back in GA is very hard for me. I feel like I owe people here something. As if me going to Maryland was so wrong, and now that I'm back I have to make it up to them. I might be making this up in my own head, but it's how I feel. It's like everyone is pulling on a different part of me, and when I'm not tickling their fancy I'm the biggest disappointment ever. I have so many anxious moments here. I never feel quite comfortable in my own skin. It feels like a shell that you are crawling around in, lost and wanting out. Or maybe it's similar to an identity crisis. I just don't want to be me so badly. I want to be reincarnated or brainwashed. What's wrong with me? What's wrong with everyone else?

How do you make yourself happy when you're too worried about everyone else's happiness? I keep saying I'm going to worry about myself and stop worrying about everyone else. It feels like that's what makes me happy; seeing everyone else happy. That's a catch 22. How do you solve that equation? I'm too much of a perfectionist to accept mediocrity when it comes to other's happiness. I feel like a failure when I see any shadow of unhappiness. And when I do feel somewhat comfortable just taking care of myself, I am told I am selfish or uncaring. I don't think there is a happy medium, or at least I haven't found it.

I don't understand how one small part of my life that could help move me forward wouldn't shine through. It doesn't have to be bright and guiding, just some hope.


Wow, so um, that's my heart on paper I guess. Haha.