missred

seeing your ex with someone else is always one of the feelings i dont think anyone enjoys. no matter how long its been since you have been apart or why or how civil or uncivil it ended, it always puts this gut dropping feeling in your core. well for me it does. even if they arent together, or you dont know for sure what the status is it still sucks. even when you dont want them back or are with someone else it still makes you feel...an unwanted feeling. im not sure if its anger for me or rage or saddness. i feel all of these things. i want to get out of my car and leg kick the girl then pound her face in and then drag him behind my car but at the same time i want to go to the gym and run a fucking marathon. thing is i dont mind this girl. she is a friends daughter, 19 almost 20 if not already and he is 26. he is immature so its fitting but what gets me is they hung out alot or often when he and i were together so its strange to see them together alone going to the movies not that they havent before im sure. i just dont ask cause i dont want to know. i had to see him to get money he owes me so i had no choice but to see it. im sure he has trash talked the hell out of me to her so she probly thinks im some horrible person but if she only knew what kind of person he is...he is mean as shit and has temper and anger problems. he throws a fit as soon as he hears something he doesnt like. he expects you to do everything to please him and if you dont then you are being selfish. when he isnt having these episodes he is great. but i am not one who bends and bends to please one at the exspense of my own happiness, not anymore atleast. we were going to go to cali and vegas together but he started acting like a total ass hole so i told him nvr mind that im just going to go alone and stay with my friend the whole time. he flipped out over that and acted like an ass hole then after 2 days started saying he was sorry but that i was still being unfair and all this shit but that he wanted me to make the plans back to how they were before and we would go toegther again. i told him no. he begged me and i still said no. i dont want him ruining my first time in vegas not to mention the reason im going, the 21st birthday of one of my good high school friends. we always said we would go all out for her bday since she was the last one to turn 21 being she is 2 years younger than me. it was our plan to do this for the past like 6 years or 8 or something. im not letting some douche ruin it for me bc im not paying enough attention to him or he doesnt like what im wearing or who im talking to or whatever the issue. i cant be myself when im with him. i have to reel it in and just be what he thinks i should be to aviod a fight. i just cant do that anymore. thing about it is that he wasnt always like that. he was so fun and cool for the the first year we were together. then it all went sour. idk what happened. he did it tho. thats not to say im guiltless in it all but he is the one who pushed me away. yes i pushed buttons sometime but i felt like if i didnt he would walk all over me and i am no door mat that is for damn sure. he needs a clingy, mushy, spineless, hopelss, no goaled, there to please kind of girl and i am none of those. he talked about how he doesnt want to lose me but he pushes me away with all he has. he says he loves me but he hates everything about me. he doesnt say he hates everything about me, tho he has told me he hates me when he is mad, but its obvious since he dosent think i should be how i am or think i do. i make him sound so bad, he really isnt. we are just total opisites. they opisites attracte but we are so far on either end i dont know how we even came together in the first place. i wish him the best and really do want him to be happy i just know that wont be with me. i wish he would get that and not make it so damn hard. not be so mean and not try to get at me and make me mad or hurt me. i dont do that shit. when i break up with someone or stop being friends with them, thats it. i dont go out of my way to hurt them or make them feel bad in anyway. i just cut the cord and go. i dont see what is being benifited from hurting someone in an already hurtful situation. we have been broken up since dec but have tried to reconcile things once or twice with in that without going back to being together, just kinda seeing if we could be around eachother and it worked for a a little here and there but its just so obvious that we need to go our ways. best part is now he will be moving almost across the street from me....wtf. i will have to see him all the time. yeah i dont want to be with him but that doesnt mean i dont care about him or make it any easier to let him go after spending pretty much 2 years together. i wish he wasnt the vengful type but he is so this isnt going to be easy once i tell him to not talk to me anymore. he always comes back begging me to forgive him but im not. he doesnt deserve it after the 20th time of doing the same thing. its just hard to let go. i need to move. i need to get away and get cleansed bc btwn him and my ex before him i have nothing left in me. i had/have both of them tearing at me piece at a time at the same time. i have nothing left to give. i dont feel anything but feelings i dont want to feel as much as i try to be stone and not let anything touch me. sometimes things do and it sucks.

im going to run.