missmir

Here is why I hate football.

I grew up in a "football town." If you don't know what that is, perhaps you might remember a movie called Varsity Blues. Youtube it if you don't.. Basically the only thing to do in McCook, Nebraska is drink, fuck, and go to football games. So needless to say the entire town revolves around football. I never got it.

Now I'm in Oklahoma city, which is on a whoooole other level of football retardation. Take your typical football town but throw in a few extra thousand people, a bad public school system, incest, poverty, Toby Keith CDs, and your typical rednet-redstate mindset and it's now no longer just a football game that everyone likes to watch and cheer. It's a religion. The Church of Sooners. That's the team here... the most popular one of the two. Even their mascot pisses me off. Sooners? Sooners were white people that illegally claimed land previously reserved for native tribes. In stead of waiting until the land was officially declared white people property, they staked out what they wanted during the night. In other words, cheaters. Thieves. Why the fuck would you name your team... after cheaters??? Now I have no problem with the people on the team who make that their life's work really. It's the people that worship them who bother me. Football fans are the most retarded bunch of fat beer-drinking, lazy america-the-beautiful motherfuckers. The whole "us against them" mindset itself is ridiculous. This is the same group of people that hate anyone who speaks Spanish because they assume they're illegal aliens.... you know... people who come to the country and illegally obtain property. Apparently it's different when it's brown people. These are the same clever bunch of people with "United We Stand" plastered all over their gas-guzzling SUVs.

They really take this shit seriously. My mother once got denied a condo to rent because she was a Nebraska Huskers fan. When i was in high school, I walked into a restaurant one day with my hair bright red (because it happened to just be red that month, not because that's the team's color) and sat down to eat, wondering why I was being stared at and booed. The waitress came up to me and said, "Um...mam, I'm sorry you're on the wrong side. This is the OSU side." In other words, if I would have happened to dye my hair orange that month, I would have been alright.

I know what you're thinking, "But Mir, my friend so-n-so is a huge football fan and she's skinny and smart and hot." Go fuck yourself. Obviously you don't have to be a fat beer-drinking lazy motherfucker to be a football fan, just as you don't have to be a skinny pale, all black-wearing angst ridden teenager to like Marilyn Manson.

Tonight was a football game. The Sooners lost. Tomorrow, fat hung-over men will be smearing their slept-in "OU" make-up with their tears all over each others hairy shoulders. That is, if they're still alive after driving home from their buddy with the biggest TV's house drunk.