I want to be chased and cared for.
I want to be pursued.
I think I'm worth that?
I had a frank discussion with my Mum over the weekend and I finally told her that the last time I was happy was when I was 10. I don't know if she absorbed the information but it felt better telling her. It's something I've been wanting to tell her for the longest time.
Everyone does a range of good and bad things over their life and I don't think my life is any different. Maybe as a child, to get out of trouble, I promised to the sky one too many times to 'let whatever was happening go away and I'll deal with the consequences later'. Maybe that's all this is? Dealing with the consequences of my childhood?
Maybe I'm predisposed to having bad things happen to me?
Maybe I invite them?
All I know is I wish at times I was dumber than I am so I would be happy with a menial job, get married and pump out kids with the belief that that was my sole reason to be on this planet. I know that everyone struggles, but those people seem so happy. I couldn't ever be happy with that.
There's only so many times I can clean my room, watch my DVDs, fuck around online and play playstation before my brain seeps back into the fore with the same, base, train of thought:
'You aren't good enough. You will never amount to anything. You should because you have something inside you that's special, but you never will. You're going to end up alone. You're going to die alone and incomplete.'
Maybe I'm so desperate to be chased because then I'll feel worthy? I can't feel self worth so if someone chased me then perhaps their version of worth would be enough?
But no one chases me.
Therefore I'm not worth anything.
Sometimes I have good days. When my hair looks good or I feel thin. On those days it's easier because the packaging is pretty. I'm too dumb to stand for mediocrity but too lazy to change and too stupid to amount to anything anyway.
*sigh*
I have no idea what I want to do with my life and that frustrates and scares the shit out of me.
I want to be pursued.
I think I'm worth that?
I had a frank discussion with my Mum over the weekend and I finally told her that the last time I was happy was when I was 10. I don't know if she absorbed the information but it felt better telling her. It's something I've been wanting to tell her for the longest time.
Everyone does a range of good and bad things over their life and I don't think my life is any different. Maybe as a child, to get out of trouble, I promised to the sky one too many times to 'let whatever was happening go away and I'll deal with the consequences later'. Maybe that's all this is? Dealing with the consequences of my childhood?
Maybe I'm predisposed to having bad things happen to me?
Maybe I invite them?
All I know is I wish at times I was dumber than I am so I would be happy with a menial job, get married and pump out kids with the belief that that was my sole reason to be on this planet. I know that everyone struggles, but those people seem so happy. I couldn't ever be happy with that.
There's only so many times I can clean my room, watch my DVDs, fuck around online and play playstation before my brain seeps back into the fore with the same, base, train of thought:
'You aren't good enough. You will never amount to anything. You should because you have something inside you that's special, but you never will. You're going to end up alone. You're going to die alone and incomplete.'
Maybe I'm so desperate to be chased because then I'll feel worthy? I can't feel self worth so if someone chased me then perhaps their version of worth would be enough?
But no one chases me.
Therefore I'm not worth anything.
Sometimes I have good days. When my hair looks good or I feel thin. On those days it's easier because the packaging is pretty. I'm too dumb to stand for mediocrity but too lazy to change and too stupid to amount to anything anyway.
*sigh*
I have no idea what I want to do with my life and that frustrates and scares the shit out of me.
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
It's good to be open, to communicate, even if with strangers (even though I'm no stranger!) Big hugs miss. I'm not going to tell you your thoughts are silly because I've thunk them too, and they are very serious thoughts.