Well, as of late I have had awe-inspiring thoughts and have tried to relay them into actions. I feel a bit selfish about them, though, due to the fact I receive pleasure from the joy I give to others. What else is that called? Masochism, maybe? I'm not sure. Please enlighten me?!
I have so many ideas and thoughts and moments of joy I wish I could share with the world, or at least the one interested in my similarities; i.e. alternative-naturalistic-mother-of-a-toddler who cooks a lot- but it seems as if I am lost on how to go about it. My life has become this dream I wished it would always be. Not exactly the places and colors or even timing of it all, but I am finally happy on a daily basis. Though happy as I may be, I have started to question and ponder things I truly used to believe in.
I feel, now, easy as my job is, truly, I must gloat for just a moment because I suffered the worst for a great salary and finally it is paying off to not work 55 hours a week! So ignore and skip to the next paragraph if you wish, but I generally make about 50% tips and ring around $200-250 a night. (Unless its the really old folks coming in- they don't tip!) I only work from 5-10(at the latest) and make a killer hourly wage. I really like my new job and recommend to any female with intelligence and class who works as a server to try and get hired on at a country club, The hours are part time, yet the money is good....
Which brings me to my next point.. I am working part time and I am loving raising my child and spending more time with him, yet I just worked the last 6 years of my life in such a corporate and professional realm I am feeling as if I am wasting my qualities. I feel I am ready to go back to school. There is a lot more waiting for me! We close for the month of January (really we close on Christmas eve and open on Groundhog's Day), and that is when I will be going back to school and settling into that life! Please wish me luck. I have enough time to prepare so even when Sinclair Admissions office fucks up my financial aid I will have it worked out in time.
There was a way I was going to tie that into the next part of why I needed to blog but I forget. So here is a picture...
I am officially growing out my luxurious locks for this to be my wedding style, not exactly this, but the five stranded braid. You just wait, oh wait, you'll be waiting a loooog time.....
Oh shit, this is where it gets really sappy!! My wedding style. Go back through my blogs and you will possibly read a reason or two or three or more as to why I do not want to get married. But alas! I can not believe the feelings coming out of my quivering chest, I feel in my nature and in my heart to one day betroth a certain man of my dreams. Yet I have always painted this picture of no desire to be wed in holy matrimony and suddenly this desire to celebrate a union of souls in front of the lot of people I don't know (seriously) seems to be a lingering light -or flicker even- long at the end of some gaze and daydream. I have claimed a doubt of marriage for a certain reason for years. I have never seen a marriage last in my day and I don't believe in the church. Sooo truthfully a marriage is only in the eyes of the law?
I know you will read this maybe and this is the part I have to figure out in my own head and was wanting to be mysterious for a reason, though not a malicious one, swear on it! You were speaking of someone filling in your words for how you feel about marriage and then you spoke on what you felt, yourself. You said something along the lines of what we have is good and you are happy with what we've got now.
I guess here comes my irrationality so I can work this out on my own, like I said. I have been stubborn in my thoughts of marriage because the only two relationships I have ever daydreamed of being wed in, my mate hath been wed before. I feel selfish for even admitting that is a worry or fret of my own. Its just.. never have I ever had someone ask me to be their one and only for real in the eyes of wellll tradition and life and everything everyone has ever known. I just wish at one point I could have been the first person someone felt that way about. Ya know? The first they were so nervous to ask, to see wearing white, to kiss and to consummate; the planning, the parties, the excitement, the joy, the talks with family as they welcome each party. I will miss all of that..
And that leads me to the point as I will never do it. I feel selfish and stubborn but that is still my thought after the irrationality has come out and logic has read through it again. I have no family to witness and it also kind of sealed the deal when I decided I have no father to walk me down the aisle.
So maybe one day. I will braid my hair- woven with golden and turquoise locks reminiscent of the Iroquois before me, and I'll stride gracefully in front of a few folks and celebrate my life and my freedom from what society has sculpted as the norm and these thoughts of grandeur will fade from my head and I will remain the loving mother I have become.
I remain confused.
I have so many ideas and thoughts and moments of joy I wish I could share with the world, or at least the one interested in my similarities; i.e. alternative-naturalistic-mother-of-a-toddler who cooks a lot- but it seems as if I am lost on how to go about it. My life has become this dream I wished it would always be. Not exactly the places and colors or even timing of it all, but I am finally happy on a daily basis. Though happy as I may be, I have started to question and ponder things I truly used to believe in.
I feel, now, easy as my job is, truly, I must gloat for just a moment because I suffered the worst for a great salary and finally it is paying off to not work 55 hours a week! So ignore and skip to the next paragraph if you wish, but I generally make about 50% tips and ring around $200-250 a night. (Unless its the really old folks coming in- they don't tip!) I only work from 5-10(at the latest) and make a killer hourly wage. I really like my new job and recommend to any female with intelligence and class who works as a server to try and get hired on at a country club, The hours are part time, yet the money is good....
Which brings me to my next point.. I am working part time and I am loving raising my child and spending more time with him, yet I just worked the last 6 years of my life in such a corporate and professional realm I am feeling as if I am wasting my qualities. I feel I am ready to go back to school. There is a lot more waiting for me! We close for the month of January (really we close on Christmas eve and open on Groundhog's Day), and that is when I will be going back to school and settling into that life! Please wish me luck. I have enough time to prepare so even when Sinclair Admissions office fucks up my financial aid I will have it worked out in time.
There was a way I was going to tie that into the next part of why I needed to blog but I forget. So here is a picture...
I am officially growing out my luxurious locks for this to be my wedding style, not exactly this, but the five stranded braid. You just wait, oh wait, you'll be waiting a loooog time.....
Oh shit, this is where it gets really sappy!! My wedding style. Go back through my blogs and you will possibly read a reason or two or three or more as to why I do not want to get married. But alas! I can not believe the feelings coming out of my quivering chest, I feel in my nature and in my heart to one day betroth a certain man of my dreams. Yet I have always painted this picture of no desire to be wed in holy matrimony and suddenly this desire to celebrate a union of souls in front of the lot of people I don't know (seriously) seems to be a lingering light -or flicker even- long at the end of some gaze and daydream. I have claimed a doubt of marriage for a certain reason for years. I have never seen a marriage last in my day and I don't believe in the church. Sooo truthfully a marriage is only in the eyes of the law?
I know you will read this maybe and this is the part I have to figure out in my own head and was wanting to be mysterious for a reason, though not a malicious one, swear on it! You were speaking of someone filling in your words for how you feel about marriage and then you spoke on what you felt, yourself. You said something along the lines of what we have is good and you are happy with what we've got now.
I guess here comes my irrationality so I can work this out on my own, like I said. I have been stubborn in my thoughts of marriage because the only two relationships I have ever daydreamed of being wed in, my mate hath been wed before. I feel selfish for even admitting that is a worry or fret of my own. Its just.. never have I ever had someone ask me to be their one and only for real in the eyes of wellll tradition and life and everything everyone has ever known. I just wish at one point I could have been the first person someone felt that way about. Ya know? The first they were so nervous to ask, to see wearing white, to kiss and to consummate; the planning, the parties, the excitement, the joy, the talks with family as they welcome each party. I will miss all of that..
And that leads me to the point as I will never do it. I feel selfish and stubborn but that is still my thought after the irrationality has come out and logic has read through it again. I have no family to witness and it also kind of sealed the deal when I decided I have no father to walk me down the aisle.
So maybe one day. I will braid my hair- woven with golden and turquoise locks reminiscent of the Iroquois before me, and I'll stride gracefully in front of a few folks and celebrate my life and my freedom from what society has sculpted as the norm and these thoughts of grandeur will fade from my head and I will remain the loving mother I have become.
I remain confused.
you do make an excellent wage and if you enjoy in... well... ha-zaa.
rage hard you crazy diamond