Tonight was my last hurrah. I went down to WC and sat on the patio and listened to some live music. Pretty good, I suppose. Really I held a newborn for a good half hour. Now my boobs hurt and I was having BH for so long my belly itched when I left.
I saw the girl my ex used to live with. Akward to say the least. She's always been fake to me, but this was super fake. I couldn't just walk away from her, I'm not a total bitch. She acted like she was happy to see me and that he hasn't trashed talked me for a while. Oh well, I smiled, let her rub my belly, and told her I'm just about to pop and I'm having a boy.
As for that boy, and all boys in general, I'm over them. I'm really down right now and just want to cry. I wanted to call him on my way home tonight. I was about 2 seconds from picking up my phone and dialing his number. I can't do it. I can't torture myself with that nonsense. All he'd do is make me feel bad for being alive. He's good at doing that. That's about all he's good at anymore.
Being up there really made me sure of just how strong of a woman I'm becoming. I understand everyone is different, but wow. Those girls, all of them, it went "induce me, pain meds, formula." I suppose that's normal now because it's easy and convienient. But I felt out of place and like they were looking at me funny when I said I want nature to take its course and I don't want to be induced. I don't want to be a hero either, but if I don't want the pain meds, please don't give them to me. And when I said the words birth-plan they looked at me as if I'd spoken German. Birth-plans are a normal part of pregnancy right? I mean my doctor knows what's best for me but I have a say in what's going to happen and don't want certain things to happen unless absolutely necessary.
Instead of going out, anywhere at all for any reason, and then getting upset for seeing my friends having a great time while I sit there and feel huge, alone, and in pain, I've decided I'm going to sit at home for the rest of my pregnancy with the exception of work, dr's appointments, and basic needs. It upsets me too much to do anything else. These hormones are horrible again. I pretty much just want to cry and sleep all the time.
I saw the girl my ex used to live with. Akward to say the least. She's always been fake to me, but this was super fake. I couldn't just walk away from her, I'm not a total bitch. She acted like she was happy to see me and that he hasn't trashed talked me for a while. Oh well, I smiled, let her rub my belly, and told her I'm just about to pop and I'm having a boy.
As for that boy, and all boys in general, I'm over them. I'm really down right now and just want to cry. I wanted to call him on my way home tonight. I was about 2 seconds from picking up my phone and dialing his number. I can't do it. I can't torture myself with that nonsense. All he'd do is make me feel bad for being alive. He's good at doing that. That's about all he's good at anymore.
Being up there really made me sure of just how strong of a woman I'm becoming. I understand everyone is different, but wow. Those girls, all of them, it went "induce me, pain meds, formula." I suppose that's normal now because it's easy and convienient. But I felt out of place and like they were looking at me funny when I said I want nature to take its course and I don't want to be induced. I don't want to be a hero either, but if I don't want the pain meds, please don't give them to me. And when I said the words birth-plan they looked at me as if I'd spoken German. Birth-plans are a normal part of pregnancy right? I mean my doctor knows what's best for me but I have a say in what's going to happen and don't want certain things to happen unless absolutely necessary.
Instead of going out, anywhere at all for any reason, and then getting upset for seeing my friends having a great time while I sit there and feel huge, alone, and in pain, I've decided I'm going to sit at home for the rest of my pregnancy with the exception of work, dr's appointments, and basic needs. It upsets me too much to do anything else. These hormones are horrible again. I pretty much just want to cry and sleep all the time.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
friscillating:
I'm impressed at your strength. And I'm sorry you feel so alone. 
That isn't right, or good, or decent ... and I would help if I could ...
That isn't right, or good, or decent ... and I would help if I could ... 
naie:
You're a very strong woman. I admire you. Hold on!