man oh man what a night!! had an awesomely busy and very fast paced day at work, to be followed by nothing but tears, anger, and heartache. my brother is a jerk. he's not the only one though. but i feel good. the arguments we have just prove to me the conversation i had with darin to be true. i believe i've found my dream apartment!! it's a 2 bedroom, 1.5 bath, townhouse for $535 a month! my goal was $550 and and i just got my bonus too! that covers rent, deposits, and maybe a couch.. and hopefully, they will "re-evaluate my salary" in june. i dont know why they wouldnt give me a raise, afterall i didnt get the one i was told i would get at 6 months. june is 9 months. i need it, i'll really really need it by then too. doing this alone is going to be hard, but if i have survived this long i believe raising the best bundle of joy life could hand to me, isnt going to be a problem. and... he is kicking me! he's always hid out on my right side, just to the lower right of my belly button. i thought i felt 'butterfly movement before' but these are definitely KICKS!!!
the other night i spent almost 6 hours in my 'home away from home'. the one where i found some of my truest and dearest friends, and for some of them (this may not be a good thing
)they will always be there. i spoke with darin for hours. i sat with lance and hugged on ryan and laughed with jade and bullshitted with dan. it was amazing. the first time i really remember going in there i had woken up from being passed out drunk around 11pm. i had just broken up with johnny, i put him in jail for the last time. i thought my world had ended. i had been in there before and my brother worked there. i came in, went to the corner table, and was a wreck. lance came and sat with me, i barely knew him then, and just talked to me. he made me feel like we had been friends for years before. later on darin came and did the same.
its funny. the lowest times in my life have always been related to relationships... or the loss of them.. my junior year is the first of 3. that was when i started the black out. i really have no recollection of things before then and i am going to choose to black out everything from before the baby is born. i figure if i can do it with that, i can do it with this. . that night changed my life forever. the phone calls were annoying so i ignored them. im glad i did. i should have never come home, but you cant escape forever. on top of the breakup, a fight with my best friend, a coke addiction and the news of my father being imprisoned for kiddie porn, i intentionally overdosed and subsequently slit my wrists over 66 times. for some reason, i didnt die. i know why now, it was so i could bring my baby to this world. i made it through that, very strong. then came johnny and the beatings. when i think about it, it seems like a movie. the black eyes, bloody lips and noses. the cops, the tears, the running through the fields to get to my moms house. he vandalized my brand new car! he fucked a girl on MY bed, invited her to my house to tell me about it, and then kept my bed when i moved out. i can still vaugely remember the last time i left that house. i packed the rest of my stuff in my car and collapsed to my knees and grabbed his pillow and cried. i thought i'd never move on. well, i really came to realize he is an asshole and always will be. no too long after, i got wrapped up in extacy and a really fast life with some really umm, shaky characters. some are my friends to this day because we all got over our stuck and stupid stage together. it took some shit though. i owe my life to darin and lance, i will forever love them deeply as TRUE FRIENDS. lance was there to hold me and help me sober up from being slipped roofies and being raped. raped by two men at that. he supposedly took me home to get clean clothes, took me to lunch and to the mall and then took me to work. darin was the one who he told, he was also the one who knew i was fucked up. i was slipped a really high dose. this happened on a wednesday and i didnt come to until sunday. that was partially due to the drugs given to me at the hospital friday though. darin took me to the hospital, he didnt even ask. he took me in, admitted me, and then sat with me for an hour or so before he had to go get his kids. neither of them ever judged me. a lot of people tell me its my fault because i was drinking and was feeling pretty good that night. that doesnt give those men the right to do what they did. not my point. i suppose my point of sharing all of this is to show that people make mistakes. people make bad mistakes sometimes. its what makes us human. it does not define us as a person. what defines us is our ability to make mistakes, learn from our mistakes, accept, forgive, and grow. i forgive my father for what he did to our family. i forgive johnny for the way he treateed me, knowing he'll never do it again. i am almost to the point of forgivness of those two motherfuckers. thats still a very difficult situation.
you might ask why i can speak of thse things so lightly. why hide them? i didnt write this as a sob story. it is so very relieving to be able to speak freely of my past. i can only hope he will come around and stop being so mean. yes, i am deeply in love with him, but that is an emotion i need to supress, like the rest of the emotions i've been so easy to deny. i am carrying his child, it's not like i'll never ever see him again. i know what he is doing to me is purely out of anger, but for my, and my childs protection, i've hired an attorney in case things get really ugly. darin did this to kendra when she was pregnant. he was so bad to her (this came straight from him) he treated her like absolute shit. he wasnt there either when baby was born. he is so ashamed. and truth be told, they were going through literally the same situation we are, minus the fact we are seperated by 1800 miles. they are happy now. i am not hoping for love, well i really am. i'd love to have things be good with us again, one day.. one very long day from now. i would love to be married to the father of my child. he says i have a lot of growing up to do. he has a lot of maturing to do. they are different. i am very much more emotionally strong than him. (that was really hard to word.) he is, um, more experienced? he's been there and done more than i have. that doesnt make either of us better than the other. he'll tell you it makes him better, but that is just proof of my above statement. time will heal everything. my baby is the only man i need.. for now.
big sigh. i feel peace. i am going to look at my apartment tomorrow. the whole reason i think this is my dream place is their office is open on sunday!! i have my first meeting with my attorney on wednesday. i am thrilled..... gosh i wish text could read sarcasm.
the other night i spent almost 6 hours in my 'home away from home'. the one where i found some of my truest and dearest friends, and for some of them (this may not be a good thing
)they will always be there. i spoke with darin for hours. i sat with lance and hugged on ryan and laughed with jade and bullshitted with dan. it was amazing. the first time i really remember going in there i had woken up from being passed out drunk around 11pm. i had just broken up with johnny, i put him in jail for the last time. i thought my world had ended. i had been in there before and my brother worked there. i came in, went to the corner table, and was a wreck. lance came and sat with me, i barely knew him then, and just talked to me. he made me feel like we had been friends for years before. later on darin came and did the same. its funny. the lowest times in my life have always been related to relationships... or the loss of them.. my junior year is the first of 3. that was when i started the black out. i really have no recollection of things before then and i am going to choose to black out everything from before the baby is born. i figure if i can do it with that, i can do it with this. . that night changed my life forever. the phone calls were annoying so i ignored them. im glad i did. i should have never come home, but you cant escape forever. on top of the breakup, a fight with my best friend, a coke addiction and the news of my father being imprisoned for kiddie porn, i intentionally overdosed and subsequently slit my wrists over 66 times. for some reason, i didnt die. i know why now, it was so i could bring my baby to this world. i made it through that, very strong. then came johnny and the beatings. when i think about it, it seems like a movie. the black eyes, bloody lips and noses. the cops, the tears, the running through the fields to get to my moms house. he vandalized my brand new car! he fucked a girl on MY bed, invited her to my house to tell me about it, and then kept my bed when i moved out. i can still vaugely remember the last time i left that house. i packed the rest of my stuff in my car and collapsed to my knees and grabbed his pillow and cried. i thought i'd never move on. well, i really came to realize he is an asshole and always will be. no too long after, i got wrapped up in extacy and a really fast life with some really umm, shaky characters. some are my friends to this day because we all got over our stuck and stupid stage together. it took some shit though. i owe my life to darin and lance, i will forever love them deeply as TRUE FRIENDS. lance was there to hold me and help me sober up from being slipped roofies and being raped. raped by two men at that. he supposedly took me home to get clean clothes, took me to lunch and to the mall and then took me to work. darin was the one who he told, he was also the one who knew i was fucked up. i was slipped a really high dose. this happened on a wednesday and i didnt come to until sunday. that was partially due to the drugs given to me at the hospital friday though. darin took me to the hospital, he didnt even ask. he took me in, admitted me, and then sat with me for an hour or so before he had to go get his kids. neither of them ever judged me. a lot of people tell me its my fault because i was drinking and was feeling pretty good that night. that doesnt give those men the right to do what they did. not my point. i suppose my point of sharing all of this is to show that people make mistakes. people make bad mistakes sometimes. its what makes us human. it does not define us as a person. what defines us is our ability to make mistakes, learn from our mistakes, accept, forgive, and grow. i forgive my father for what he did to our family. i forgive johnny for the way he treateed me, knowing he'll never do it again. i am almost to the point of forgivness of those two motherfuckers. thats still a very difficult situation.
you might ask why i can speak of thse things so lightly. why hide them? i didnt write this as a sob story. it is so very relieving to be able to speak freely of my past. i can only hope he will come around and stop being so mean. yes, i am deeply in love with him, but that is an emotion i need to supress, like the rest of the emotions i've been so easy to deny. i am carrying his child, it's not like i'll never ever see him again. i know what he is doing to me is purely out of anger, but for my, and my childs protection, i've hired an attorney in case things get really ugly. darin did this to kendra when she was pregnant. he was so bad to her (this came straight from him) he treated her like absolute shit. he wasnt there either when baby was born. he is so ashamed. and truth be told, they were going through literally the same situation we are, minus the fact we are seperated by 1800 miles. they are happy now. i am not hoping for love, well i really am. i'd love to have things be good with us again, one day.. one very long day from now. i would love to be married to the father of my child. he says i have a lot of growing up to do. he has a lot of maturing to do. they are different. i am very much more emotionally strong than him. (that was really hard to word.) he is, um, more experienced? he's been there and done more than i have. that doesnt make either of us better than the other. he'll tell you it makes him better, but that is just proof of my above statement. time will heal everything. my baby is the only man i need.. for now.
big sigh. i feel peace. i am going to look at my apartment tomorrow. the whole reason i think this is my dream place is their office is open on sunday!! i have my first meeting with my attorney on wednesday. i am thrilled..... gosh i wish text could read sarcasm.