Ok so this is gunna seem a bit wack but I have a few things that ive just written on my computer but not written any where else and im giving away my laptop so I want to get rid of the writings but cant bring myself to delete them. Some of them may even allready be on here. Who knows. I wont read them as I hate reading anything ive written, close to the time ive written it.
So here they are, out of place, unedited and from unknown dates.
The first one I found:
Today is Thursday. Last night I went to Wanaka. It was amazing J
I went over because Hannah wanted to borrow a top of mine for her staff party, it was shaneos leaving party coz hes back to Australia and because I had pills to sell. Me, Kelsey and Alex left like straight after school. We drove over the crown range and had a sesh and a couple lines when we got to the top. It was such a nice buzzz it wasnt smacky at all and it didnt effect me to much but enough to be happy and talkative. I went to the boys house with Alex and sold a few to James. He didnt seem overly excited to see me but meh im not to worried. Then I went to Hannahs and drunk while Iwaited for her staff party to finish. Then I walked into town and met her. The first bar we went to I got called adorable from a random girl. It was such a nice random compliment I was stoaked. Then we went to Craigs and did lines. James was there but left. Hannah pulled a sad face implying that she felt bad for me but I was like oh na I dont mind. Which is the truth. Craig was so cute he was like good girl mell, dont even worry about him a. So Im stoaked as to get his support. I real like Craig hes so lovely. Hes a bit cocky and very pommy but I still think hes so cool. Real easy to talk to and I feel like I can trust him. I duno why though but anyway I forced Hannah to leave Craigs and then we went to HQ. There was this other guy with us called Isac who Hannah works with and he was such a critter. Real intense. I felt he was always looking at me in a weird way. He asked me if I was scared of him coz I kept trying to stay away from him so I felt real bad and tried not to be judgemental of him coz I dont know him. There was a line at HQ so we had to wait awhile but it was soooo good inside. It was packed as! I saw all the boys there and got to chat to them which was cool and I meet a few more of Hannahs mates. Shes so good at introducing me to all her friends. I feel realy proud coz lately shes been saying this is my best friend which I feel is a real privledge. When wed been at Craigs earlier Hannah got all emotional, saying she loved me and we were like soul mates and had been through everythings together and that she apollogised for being grumpy some times coz work stresses her out. I duno whether it was the pills talking or whatever talking but it was nice just the same coz she was giving me massive hugs and I was happy for her to be displaying any kind of emotion. But yer at HQ I saw james girl. She was laying pool and grabbing a lot of peoples attention. She seems like a fun, confident, firey kinda girl which I think is cool. I can totally see why hes interested in her now. I was standing at the bar and I saw him grab her and like take her out this back way for a smoke. I thaught it was so funny coz I think he might of seen me looking coz he like looked around to see if anyone was watching. But yer Hannah and I left and went to Opium were we saw Tom and nick. Toms such a funny guy, he real makes me laugh. Then I meet a few more of Hannahs mates and drunk a bit. Oh when I was at the bar I saw James standing on the opposite end of the bar and he pulled a sad face. I dunno why though but I made no effort to go over to him. Then all the boys said they were leaving so Hannah and I went back to theirs with them. Apparantly after we got home James borrowed there car and went to his girls place. Wonder why he left. Maybe he didnt wanna sleep with her when we were like a couple rooms away. Meh who knows. Then I drunk a bit more and did a few more lines and got pretty fucked. At one stage I was on the deck with just Shaneo so I asked him if any thing happened with me and him the other weekend and apoplogised coz I couldnt remember. He kinda apologised and then said that we didnt like sleep together but kissed or something. I was so relieved to hear him say we didnt sleep together. I think he was genuinely sorry about it. Well I hope so anyway or else hes a frickin dick. But we got talking about politics and stuff which was cool coz he sounded interested in what I had to say and we agreed on a bit. I was nice to have an actual conversation with someone other than about brain dead stuff. If that makes sense. Any way I dont really remember much after that but I do remember I tried to call james. I txt him saying where are you?! And he didnt txt back and then I txt him again saying babe come back to urs and coudle with me. I dont care about that stuff and I tried to call him. The I woke up on the floor in the lounge with a blanket on and James sitting next to me. He was like aw babe Im so sorry I was asleep when u called coz it was six oclock. Haha whops! And then he said he was late for work but had to go and would txt me later on so we could talk bout stuff. Then he asked if he could give me a hug. I didnt know what to think of it but I decided I dont mind hes getting with that girl. I respect his wishes and now im not really interested in him like that. Well I am but Im not going to try win him over or care what he does. I just wanna be mates with him and have cuddles when hes free for them. I wanna be with him like I was with batsey. Just good mates who hang out all the time and cuddle heaps but dont have sex. It was the best and I want that with him.But yer then he went to work and I looked up and noticed Shaneo was on the couch. I feel asleep again and then when I woke up he was gone but Tom was talking to me. It was like 10 and I was supose to bus home at 7 and have class at ten! FUCK haha! But it was all good. Tom lied next to me and said he got sent home early from work and we talked for a bit. Tom said that he tried to get me up at 7 and that apantly I got to my ness but said I was to fucked to make it outside. Haha silly silly me. Then Andrew came out and lied on the couch. He was like I cant believe uve been selling pills Mallory. My resperct for you has gone up so much. I was like aw Andrew you respect for me should be this much and tried to show it with my arms and he was like aw mell I respect you more than I can show on my arms but I think its so cool you can sell pills with out taking many. Then Hannah came out and said I was so drunk that she had to take my shoes of for me. Whops. Haha. Then a taxi came and got us and Andrew was like no Hannah you cant take Mallory with u she should stay here. Hes so lovely J but yer I got back to Hannahs and had a shower and she said corby was going to queenstown so that I could get a ride with her. I was so stoaked coz I knew I could make it to my next class. On the way from Wanak to Queenstown James txt me How are you feeling? Theres no one up here, so dead, could of stayed home. Then he txt asking when I was going back to town. I said I was back already and he txt back saying Next time then yeah Argh what does that mean? Its such a avgue txt. I could interprt it in so many different ways. So I txt back asking what his days of wew and he said Monday, Tuesday but got the staff party Monday night though. Might try get a day of over the weekend? For fuck sakes James what are u thinking because I dont know! I txt back saying I would be over on Thursday and that he should try get a weekend day of and hang with me. He didnt tx back after that so who knows what will happen. It was pretty funy being at uni coz I could still feel my pills. I was in such a good mood. It was great! I didnt pay much attention though but hey at least I made it. Now Im at home and have just come of my come down. Thank god coz I was starting to feel real bad. But now I cant sleep and know I should be studying but argh. Its so hard and intense. I cant believe I only have 2 weeks of uni left and then exams and then its all over! Its so crazy. Times just moving so fast! Its frickin exciting and scary all at the same time. Any way this is a really long blog so im going to stop now. Peace X
The second one I found:
Ive been thinking a lot about personalitys and perceptions lately.
Perception is a strange thing. Two things exactly the same can be perceived in totally different ways. The other day one of my lectures said something to the class. She then asked us to individually write down on a piece of paper what it was she was trying to say. Many people twisted what she had said and turned its meaning around all together. What I heard was totally different. I saw the good in what it was she was saying. Even though some argued that what she was saying implied nothing positive. I thaught it about it for a minute and I realised I was having a good day. If I had been having a bad day would I have heard the same message?
I want to study perception. I want to know how people can all live in the same world, even be neighbours and yet see the world in such a different light.
I have very contrasting opinions. One day Ill see life good and believe that people are good and then the next day Ill be feeling dark and seeing and hearing everything different. My mum use to call me moody but I dont think thats the case at all. Something about my personality is stoping me from having an even perception. I feel the extremes. Should I sort it out or just go with it?
Is a personality something your born with or something you choose? The research ive read points either way.
Maybe I should just leave it to the experts and stop thinking about it? I really struggle with that. When somethings on my mind I try everything in my power to figure out whats going on (Hence the blog).Whats the real meaning behind all this. It doesnt usually get me far though as people find me to intense. Actually not just that , A goody good, a try hard, obsessed, crazy, a psycho and clingy. I think my intensity is the main reason my relationships are allways short lived. If I meet someone that intregues me I become fascinated. When im fascinated I want to know why. Why do they do what they do. Why am I so drawn to them. Why do I feel this way. Of course at the time I feel the only way to uncover these answers is to be with them all day every day. If I dont get the answers fast enough I start to push. Haha no not physically but mentally I will push them. Generally away. But then I will still be drawn to them so ill pull them close and after a few months of doing this there sick of me and I push them so far that they leave me. Im still close with a lot of exs. I feel if you like someone once then you should always like them. With my exs I still see in them all the characteristics that made me fall for the. Its not their fault I went snooping and tried to uncover more of them than what was needed. Things take time. I need to realise this for all aspects of my life.
Im not one for waiting though...................
The Third one I found:
Ah what a season J
Ive been so so so happy lately. its the most euphoric feeling. Like im on a constant e buzz but without the come down. Well not yet anyway.
I went and watched shape shifter last weekend in wanaka. It was amazing. They sounded good, the venue was choice and there was the best group of people. Like no critters or anyone 2 smashed. So so good. We took a few photos on the way. This is me, Kelly and Chelsea.
Insert picture.
Hannah and her friends came to Queenstown this weekend. They all stayed at mine and we went to watch Aural Trash play at Debajho. The music was good but we didnt stay there for long coz Chelsea wanted to go some where else so I went with her. Hannah went home kinda earlish coz she said she was tired. But I went home soon after with James any way. James is this guy im interested in. I like him fucking heaps. Im insanely attracted to him, hes good looking and hes fun to be around. I know its not serious or anything but ah im gunna enjoy it while it lasts. I think hes getting with another girl in Wanaka but hey who am I to judge. I hope he likes me J
Im craving the mountain a bit. I didnt get to go up today or yesterday coz no one else was keen or had full cars. Next time I do a snow season im going to get a car and find someone who wants to go riding all day, everyday. Itll be sweet.