I am angry
The things that have made me angry: In no particular order, except that I'm starting with the stockings for Ortus cos he asked and he's the only one who reads this anyways...
The stockings, or lack of
OK, so, Friday night is burlesque night. I have the perfect dress which is 40s vintage and very demure and with the right accoutrements will look just lovely, and not slutty at all. The right accoutrements include my pearl necklace (no sniggering at the back!) which I cleverly left at my mate's house in Liverpool during the drunken binge with the afore mentioned member. It also includes seamed stockings. And they must be seamed. And I can't find any. I have been all over the place while I was meant to be working, and can only find tights, plain hold ups or lace topped stockings. No, no, no. None of those will work. They have to have be plain tops, with heels, and seams. Now. Imagine I was shopping for simple opaque stay-ups for work, the shops would be full of interesting and bizarre leg wear and I would be in a similar - yet reversed - strop.
My left knee
Is clicking gruesomely, especially when I press the clutch, which has gone worn a bit thin as I have driven about a hundred miles today.
Fast car, slow driver
I have been stuck - STUCK! - behind a BMW Z3 for some time! There should be some kind of law whereby if someone is driving a much faster car than you, but doing it excruciatingly slowly, you should be allowed to pull them up and make them swap cars, using whatever violent force you see fit. I have been previously stuck behind an old biddy in an Impreza. Seriously... Make it the law.
Brain to mouth filter not working
AKA thinking out loud, AKA asking yourself rhetorical questions while pointing your face and projecting your voice in my direction, or any other form of trying to involve me in your inner dialogue. I. DON'T. CARE. WHAT. YOU'RE. THINKING. It makes me want to hit you with stuff.
Automated car park
Ring up and pay for parking with a credit card! Great if it works, innit? It doesn't though. Enter your cars registration number. If you meant 'd' press 1. If you meant 'e' press 2. If you meant 'f', press 3. *presses 3*. Half an hour of button pressing goes by... the robot reads back 'your registration number is D...' No! NO! No! It's not D is it? I pressed 3 didn't I? I hate the robot! Hate it! Damn it's eyes!
Automated bank
Place your cheques in the slot with the paying in slip on top. *Obeys*. Machine makes busy sounds and spits them back out with the paying in slip on the bottom. 'You have not used a paying in slip'. It says. But I have. So I do it again. And it does it again. And so on and so forth.
The car CD player
Which is not working.Which not only means no music, but means I can clearly hear all the other fucked up noises the car is making. Which makes me worry that I might a) break down, or b) have to spend hundreds of pounds soon.
Prozac
For making certain people unbearably bouncy. Just stay miserable. It's better.
The things that have made me angry: In no particular order, except that I'm starting with the stockings for Ortus cos he asked and he's the only one who reads this anyways...
The stockings, or lack of
OK, so, Friday night is burlesque night. I have the perfect dress which is 40s vintage and very demure and with the right accoutrements will look just lovely, and not slutty at all. The right accoutrements include my pearl necklace (no sniggering at the back!) which I cleverly left at my mate's house in Liverpool during the drunken binge with the afore mentioned member. It also includes seamed stockings. And they must be seamed. And I can't find any. I have been all over the place while I was meant to be working, and can only find tights, plain hold ups or lace topped stockings. No, no, no. None of those will work. They have to have be plain tops, with heels, and seams. Now. Imagine I was shopping for simple opaque stay-ups for work, the shops would be full of interesting and bizarre leg wear and I would be in a similar - yet reversed - strop.
My left knee
Is clicking gruesomely, especially when I press the clutch, which has gone worn a bit thin as I have driven about a hundred miles today.
Fast car, slow driver
I have been stuck - STUCK! - behind a BMW Z3 for some time! There should be some kind of law whereby if someone is driving a much faster car than you, but doing it excruciatingly slowly, you should be allowed to pull them up and make them swap cars, using whatever violent force you see fit. I have been previously stuck behind an old biddy in an Impreza. Seriously... Make it the law.
Brain to mouth filter not working
AKA thinking out loud, AKA asking yourself rhetorical questions while pointing your face and projecting your voice in my direction, or any other form of trying to involve me in your inner dialogue. I. DON'T. CARE. WHAT. YOU'RE. THINKING. It makes me want to hit you with stuff.
Automated car park
Ring up and pay for parking with a credit card! Great if it works, innit? It doesn't though. Enter your cars registration number. If you meant 'd' press 1. If you meant 'e' press 2. If you meant 'f', press 3. *presses 3*. Half an hour of button pressing goes by... the robot reads back 'your registration number is D...' No! NO! No! It's not D is it? I pressed 3 didn't I? I hate the robot! Hate it! Damn it's eyes!
Automated bank
Place your cheques in the slot with the paying in slip on top. *Obeys*. Machine makes busy sounds and spits them back out with the paying in slip on the bottom. 'You have not used a paying in slip'. It says. But I have. So I do it again. And it does it again. And so on and so forth.
The car CD player
Which is not working.Which not only means no music, but means I can clearly hear all the other fucked up noises the car is making. Which makes me worry that I might a) break down, or b) have to spend hundreds of pounds soon.
Prozac
For making certain people unbearably bouncy. Just stay miserable. It's better.
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Enjoy your Monday tomorrow, safe in the knowledge that I am off and will be tucked up snugly in bed. Revenge is sweet.
Here's hoping Mr. Brooker cooks something up to brighten your day.
xxx