mirima

This past week has been one of my worst in a long time. I've had so much shit piled on me lately, I'm having trouble coping. Between work, relationship drama, feeling unsafe, being overwhelmed, and over all being extremely stressed, I don't feel like I can be strong anymore. People tell me I'm the strongest person they know. I've been through hell and back, and lived through it with my fists held high. However, nobody knows what really goes on inside of me. Inside of me, I'm crying out, breaking down, freaking out, screaming in pain, and just wanting to curl up next to someone and give up. I never give myself a break. I'm always beating myself up. I'm not sure why I always cause more internal drama for myself, and make life harder for myself. I've always done it. It's a self fulfilling prophecy, a downward spiral, a whatever the fuck it is...

Truth is, I'm sick of doing this to myself. I'm not taking proper care of myself. I'm not doing what's right. The bravest thing I've done in the past week was stand up to my girlfriend, now ex, and I did what I needed to do for myself. I've always hated confrontation, I've always hated communicating my feelings.

I hate communicating, because when I was younger, when I was first experiencing relationships, the only way I learned to communicate was by yelling and screaming, and nothing ever got resolved. Now that I'm experiencing healthy relationships, I'm learning how to communicate effectively, and it's hard for me. Especially when we're talking out conflicts, in hopes of resolving them. When I get in that head space, I want to retreat inside of myself, because my head and heart go back to that place where I was abused every time we had a conflict. I don't have an open heart. Frankly, sometimes I don't want an open heart. Because open hearts get hurt. Maybe I'm not ready for the hurt. Maybe if I'm not ready for the hurt, I'm not ready for the relationship. Maybe this is all premature. Maybe I need to take a good hard look at my life, and prioritize.

I'm trying to learn, I'm trying to listen with an open mind. I'm trying my hardest to be the best that I can be, but sometimes I just need to curl up and break down. I can't always be the strong one. I just wish someone would take control of me sometimes. I know that's selfish and immature of me. I'm not taking responsibility for myself, and for my actions. I know what's right and what's wrong, and I'm smart enough to know that what I'm doing is wrong, and abuse towards myself. It's like, if no one else is abusing me, I'm abusing myself. Maybe I feel like I'm not good enough, or worth anyone's time. That's actually not a maybe, that's actually how I think.

I know my actions and my thoughts aren't healthy. And I have the coping skills and smarts to recognize that and fix it, if I really wanted to. I have all these people in my life who are telling me the right things to do, and loving me for doing the right thing, but I don't think I've done anything right. I feel like I'm always fucking up. This is the part where I beat myself up mercilessly, and then beat myself up further for beating myself up. I need a break. I really fucking need a break.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I know what to do, and at the same time don't know what to do. I know exactly how to fix this...but part of me doesn't want to be fixed. Part of me likes being damaged. Is that unhealthy too? I don't know anymore. I just wish someone would slap me across the face, and put some sense into me.