I went to visit one of my partners this week, and I hung out with her and her master. When we planned this visit, I anticipated that I would feel comfortable, and have fun. I missed her, and I really wanted to be with her.
However, our fun soon turned into not so fun, non consensual behavior, and drama. I thought by talking it out, we'd all feel better, but at points during my visit, I felt taken advantage of, pressured, and a lot of what happened I did not consent to. And particularly in the scene, consent is very important. I didn't need to be unloaded on unexpectedly, I didn't need to know personal things that made me feel unsafe.
Right now I feel wrong on so many levels. This is not what I want my relationships to be about. Before this happened, I was comfortable in my relationships, because my partners make me feel safe and respected, there is verbal consent, there are limits and boundaries, there are important negotiations, and there is so much trust involved. Without these things, I can't play with people, because I can't feel safe with them.
After this week, I'm very hesitant to play again, in the scene. I don't feel comfortable and safe with myself, let alone anyone else. I don't feel safe and comfortable in my own skin. My anxiety is heightened, I feel sick to my stomach, and all I want right now is some gentle cuddles with someone I trust and love.
I'm not sure what to do about this, or what to do in order to feel safe again. I just know I never want to put myself into another position where it's hard to get out of it again.
However, our fun soon turned into not so fun, non consensual behavior, and drama. I thought by talking it out, we'd all feel better, but at points during my visit, I felt taken advantage of, pressured, and a lot of what happened I did not consent to. And particularly in the scene, consent is very important. I didn't need to be unloaded on unexpectedly, I didn't need to know personal things that made me feel unsafe.
Right now I feel wrong on so many levels. This is not what I want my relationships to be about. Before this happened, I was comfortable in my relationships, because my partners make me feel safe and respected, there is verbal consent, there are limits and boundaries, there are important negotiations, and there is so much trust involved. Without these things, I can't play with people, because I can't feel safe with them.
After this week, I'm very hesitant to play again, in the scene. I don't feel comfortable and safe with myself, let alone anyone else. I don't feel safe and comfortable in my own skin. My anxiety is heightened, I feel sick to my stomach, and all I want right now is some gentle cuddles with someone I trust and love.
I'm not sure what to do about this, or what to do in order to feel safe again. I just know I never want to put myself into another position where it's hard to get out of it again.
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I am grateful you were not physically hurt. That kind of stuff can be very scary.
I am sending you safe hugs and peaceful vibes. Good luck.