mirima

Christmas is always a depressing time of year. It might have something to do with the weather, or it might have something to do with a Christmas I had many years ago. I was about fourteen/fifteen...my mom was drunk again. Passed out all day, while we opened our presents alone. No dinner, no friends or family. And she screamed at us when she woke up. Now, every Christmas I get this sickening feeling. I won't allow myself to be happy.
Right around this time of year, I become very self destructive. I won't let myself be happy. I won't let anyone get close to me...although, that's usually a natural occurance. I won't let people get close to me, for fear of being loved. For fear of being actually happy. I think its mostly fear of commitment.
I have a date today...but I'm not too thrilled about it. I'm just going on dates now for something to do. Someone asks me out, I'm like sure, whatever. It doesn't mean anything to me. I wish it did. I wish I would let myself love and be loved....but I can't get passed this fear. I'm not sure I can commit to any one person.
As always, I'm hurt and confused. I wonder if I'll ever let myself be happy, and let someone love me, so I can become half of a whole, and fill that part of me that's missing something.
There is one person I really do like...but I'm not sure if he likes me anymore. I keep trying to get close to this person...but I'm not sure if he feels the same way. I hope he visits, and I hope things happen. I really need someone like him in my life. Someone who listens, someone who actually gives a shit...as opposed to the friends I have who listen, and then go about whatever they were doing before I needed to talk...like my feelings don't matter at all.