mirima

I honestly dont know where to start. I dont even know the root of my problems. The issues spinning inside my head make it difficult to concentrate on any one thing. I spent so long hiding from the rest of the world. Its not like Im pretending to be something Im not, its just that I dont feel it entirely necessary to let the world know everything. Its not something most people can handle. The last time I was honest with my therapist, she was surprised how strong I was. I dont feel very strong anymore. I cant even find a reason to go on anymore. It would be cowardly to give up on myself, but I wouldnt be the first person. I dont know why people think Im so special. Then again, no one really knows me. They all see what they want to see, put me up on this pedestal I dont belong on, and then I have a reputation to uphold. I have to be the person all these people assume I am, when theres too much pressure. I dont do well under pressure. So I push people away when they get too close. Im not avoiding anything, I just dont know how to be emotionally close with anyone. When I used to disclose the things inside my head, and vent to the people I thought cared about me, I was met with hostility. No one wanted to know what went on in my head, no one wanted to hear about my bullshit. So I learned to shut up. I learned to keep my thoughts to myself. Either that, or the thoughts inside my head would just destroy those who care about me. I dont like worrying anyone.
I honestly dont know what to say. I dont know where it started. Maybe Im just feeling bad for myself, or maybe I dug myself into a hole I cant get out of. I thought my life was grand, until I lost my job. Then everything went downhill, although, things werent great before that either. I dont think Ive ever had much faith in myself. I dont think Ive ever thought highly of myself. I always hide in a corner, as if Im not worth it, and the more Im around people, the more I start to believe Im truly not worth it. Like I said, people only see what they want to seeand the only distraction from seeing the inner me, is seeing the outer me. People are too preoccupied with my body, with my sex, to see the things inside my head. I dont think anyone genuinely cares about seeing whats inside my head, and I think thats where the problem started.
I dont want to be a slut, but the more I look at my life, the more I think I am one. I look at the terrible things Ive done, and the lack of self control, and I start believing the subtle things that people say. The snide comments, the whispersmaybe Im just paranoid, but there are those who have pointed out that Ive slept with a lot of people, and slept with people I havent loved. I dont believe you need love to be sexually involved, but there are those who do. And in their eyes, I havent done anything to be proud of, and I know this. Im tired of doing this to myself, but it distracts me from being more destructive, and thus my life, sexual or other, isnt entirely enjoyable. Actually, my depression has hit so hard, that nothing is really enjoyable anymore. Ive begun to feel so numb inside, that I cant feel any sort of emotion anymore. No thrills, no joys, no deep sadness. I didnt think I could even cry anymore until someone pointed out my faults, and then I felt it hit me like a mallet.
Is this really what people think of me? They only see what I do, and not who I am. And Ive been so stuck inside myself that I havent let anyone see who I am. So, in the long run, this is my fault. Ive let people see a side of me that isnt really who I am. Or maybe it is. Maybe I am a slut, maybe I am a complication. Maybe I am a usermaybe Josh was right. I dont think Josh ever saw the real me either. He only saw me as something to control, and apparently, I was the one who used him.
I honestly think Im not worth anyones time or effort. Im lazy, unemployed, no money, no car, no motivation...Im not pretty, I dont have any enviable talent. I havent done anything worth of pride, I havent achieved anything in my short life. I havent done anything of value. I sit inside my head, and let my mind take me down dark streets. I sit inside my room, in the dark, feeling bad for myself. I think about all the things Ive lived through, and for some reason, I seem to think that gives me an excuse, when it doesnt. So what if Ive known abuse, or pain, or emotional hurt. Maybe I deserved those things, and the more I stay inside my head, the more I start to believe I deserved those things.
Ive learned to shut up and listen, cause my problems arent worth anyones trouble. I dont like to worry anyone, or burden anyone. And listening gives me an excuse not to talk. I dont think I have much of a voice anymore. I can read off a piece of paper, but when it comes to talking from my heart, I cant project. I dont know where to start, how to get the words out. All I know for sure is that Im hurting, and its pain Ive caused. The people around me have only begun telling the truth, and its a truth they seeits not necessarily who I am. Its who Ive shown them, and I have no one else to blame but me. Yeah, there are those who unnecessarily rub it in, but I know theyre not worth my time. At least I know thatbut the bad things are easier to believe than the good things.
Im tired of running away. I wish I had the guts to disclose. I wish I had the courage to say what it is inside my head. I wish I could tell people why I am the way I am, and when I had the strength to move on. Problems come and go, and this will eventually pass, I know. But the rootthe root of my problems never truly go away. And I need to start talking. I need to start opening up. Maybe then I can feel again. Only then will I be able to feel love, and be worthy of it. I need to start appreciating the little things. Right now I know I have all I needbut Im always wanting more. Doesnt everyone?