Ok...I'll admit it. I'll admit everything.
I'm jealous of my amazing friends. I'm jealous of my best friend's girlfriend...she got the best guy there is. I always wished he loved me like I loved him. I'm jealous of my other best friend...cause she's amazing, and beautiful, and everyone loves her...and I wish she loved me like I love her. I always fall for my best friends.
I'm jealous of my gorgeous and perfect sister, who always got the praise. I feel like an ugly loser standing next to her. Her perfect body, her perfect grades, her perfect social life...the life of the party, the daughter my parents always wanted.
I'm jealous of my best friend for finding love...when all along I've pretended it wasn't something I was interested in. I'll admit I'm not ready for it, but someone once told me that when I feel I'm not ready, I am ready. I'm scared of getting close to someone, I'm scared of being honest about myself. I hide from everyone, and push people away when they become too attached to me. When all along all I've wanted was for someone to love me. But, the problem wasn't someone loving me...the problem was me loving them back. I'm jealous of those who can feel, who can cry, who can love.
I feel bad for not having a job, for not being pretty, for being depressed and bipolar, for not having a stable existence, for not being the best that I can be, for not being on top of things, for not taking charge of my life, for not having a car, for not having my own place, for not being good with money, for not being a better equipped adult. I'm scared of growing up and taking on all these responsibilities. These days I just want to curl up and die, rather than to face the scary world. I feel bad for not being braver.
I feel bad for lying to everyone I love. I feel like I can take on everything, and everyone, and not giving a shit about my own problems, when all I think about is wanting to die. I put my problems on the back burner to listen to everyone else, and worry about everyone else. I pretend not to care, when I really do. I guess I'm afraid to even be honest with myself.
I'm afraid of not be accepted and loved for who I am. I don't let anyone see the real me. People love me because they see what they want to see. That isn't me, and I regret not showing the real me. These people don't know who I am, and I'm afraid to show them who I am, and the thoughts that are in my head. I haven't been honest with anyone.
Worst of all...I'm scared of this person I know, this person I've come to know recently...I'm scared of him figuring out who I really am, and then running away. Will he still like me in the end, when he knows everything? Will he pity me? Will he try to save me? Or will he just listen? I'm scared of all my friends judging me for falling for a man. I'm afraid of falling too far, too fast, and not being able to catch myself. I'm afraid of tears that will come when I can't hold on to him. I'm afraid of being hurt again, of being abused again. Everyone I've ever let close to me has either abused me or abandoned me. I'm not saying this to be pitied...I'm saying this to be honest with myself. I'm jealous of those who can trust.
I wish I was stronger.
I'm jealous of my amazing friends. I'm jealous of my best friend's girlfriend...she got the best guy there is. I always wished he loved me like I loved him. I'm jealous of my other best friend...cause she's amazing, and beautiful, and everyone loves her...and I wish she loved me like I love her. I always fall for my best friends.
I'm jealous of my gorgeous and perfect sister, who always got the praise. I feel like an ugly loser standing next to her. Her perfect body, her perfect grades, her perfect social life...the life of the party, the daughter my parents always wanted.
I'm jealous of my best friend for finding love...when all along I've pretended it wasn't something I was interested in. I'll admit I'm not ready for it, but someone once told me that when I feel I'm not ready, I am ready. I'm scared of getting close to someone, I'm scared of being honest about myself. I hide from everyone, and push people away when they become too attached to me. When all along all I've wanted was for someone to love me. But, the problem wasn't someone loving me...the problem was me loving them back. I'm jealous of those who can feel, who can cry, who can love.
I feel bad for not having a job, for not being pretty, for being depressed and bipolar, for not having a stable existence, for not being the best that I can be, for not being on top of things, for not taking charge of my life, for not having a car, for not having my own place, for not being good with money, for not being a better equipped adult. I'm scared of growing up and taking on all these responsibilities. These days I just want to curl up and die, rather than to face the scary world. I feel bad for not being braver.
I feel bad for lying to everyone I love. I feel like I can take on everything, and everyone, and not giving a shit about my own problems, when all I think about is wanting to die. I put my problems on the back burner to listen to everyone else, and worry about everyone else. I pretend not to care, when I really do. I guess I'm afraid to even be honest with myself.
I'm afraid of not be accepted and loved for who I am. I don't let anyone see the real me. People love me because they see what they want to see. That isn't me, and I regret not showing the real me. These people don't know who I am, and I'm afraid to show them who I am, and the thoughts that are in my head. I haven't been honest with anyone.
Worst of all...I'm scared of this person I know, this person I've come to know recently...I'm scared of him figuring out who I really am, and then running away. Will he still like me in the end, when he knows everything? Will he pity me? Will he try to save me? Or will he just listen? I'm scared of all my friends judging me for falling for a man. I'm afraid of falling too far, too fast, and not being able to catch myself. I'm afraid of tears that will come when I can't hold on to him. I'm afraid of being hurt again, of being abused again. Everyone I've ever let close to me has either abused me or abandoned me. I'm not saying this to be pitied...I'm saying this to be honest with myself. I'm jealous of those who can trust.
I wish I was stronger.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
mydogfarted:
I was scared like that too. I'm still scare of khoos getting fed up with my mental instability, taking the girls and moving back to Canada. I feel like I'd deserve it too. But something buried deep inside under all that fear, there is something that tells me she's not. If you're that afraid, there is no need to fall for him. Just stumble towards him and see if he catches you. 
giggles:
hug