Tonight was more a reflection of how my life has been and to be h0nest, I'm afraid. my biggest fear was ending up like my uncle, living with my parents , being diabetic and losing some body parts due to diabetes and the prospect of that life terrified the F'k out of me. What brought this up was because I was helping a friend with her relationship with a guy she liked and there was an something she does that he does not like....she smokes yeah. well, we tied helping her out and one of the ladies asked me what would I do in her situation. Well straight up I would tell them that I would love her for who she is regardless of if she smokes or not ( FYI I smoke as well) and that I would do anything for her. well that brought about my own situation....I don't have anybody to be with, I'm by myself. Sad part is I know for a fact nobody can accept me for who I am. What sucked the most was that what happened tonight broke me, yeah. What I meant broke I meant that I really felt that I would not find anybody, and then the thoughts of ending it came flooding though. What's even sad though was that I was once almost ended it with a 12 gauge . I guess the reason why that thought came back was that I damn near pulled the trigger 12 years ago. I take it being alone for so long can drive a man (or woman) down once it finally catches up to you, I tried so hard tonight not to think about it but the pain in my heart that I miss being with someone so much is indescribable. It's interesting to see that no matter how much I can sacrifices for those that I care for, cannot do the same thing for me as a friend, guess I am destined to walk through a lonely road of pain and suffering.
