i got an email from stuart this morning, another email, it made me inexplicably happy. i miss him so much. right now more than i have in a really long time.
i was reading it and i was overwhelmingly happy but crying. and i don't know why at all. just don't know why.
he talked about how happy is to get emails from me, and it makes me feel bad for not writing and for having such a bad attitude about hannah and i guess nina...and how wanting those relationships to get fucked up just to prove my eternal point, sucks.
anyway he's going to study music now and is so excited. it makes me excited. he said he thought of me when he got the new rhcp cd. which is about the greatest compliment to recieve from stuart, mostly because he adores them...like no other. i don't know...i wish we could just sit and talk about it. it would make me really happy. i miss just spending time talking about music with stuart so much. we would sit online and play the same cd's and just talk through the whole thing. one of the most vivid memories i have was stuart bouncing up to me, one morning before school and telling me he had a surprize. and then at lunch he played 'wondering' for me on his guitar and it was perfect. it was probably the only great surprize i've ever had. fuck. he's going to have so much fun with this music. he's brilliant, and if not brilliant just really lives it, and i think that's enough. i remember that time junior year so clearly, he was the greatest friend, it was the best kind of friendship, it was unconditional and just transcendent. we didn't have to talk, he just always knew what i was thinking, but we talked anyway, about everything. i think about everyything that made me want to leave high school, and then i remember all those great things. i think i knew how much i loved him when it was happening, and i think he knew it too, and returned it.
it was a movie. and it boiled down to something i actually said yesterday, you can't date people like that, you can't turn those relationships into romances, you can't make it into that, because they aren't romances, they're friendships, and if you do it, you run the risk that a time will come when you won't be friends and that is the worst idea ever. which makes me glad stuart and i never went there, we both knew we probably could have, might have, should have, and that if we had, my whole life would be different right now, but then we also might not be friends right now, i might be crying for other reasons than missing him like hell, and wanting to hear him play his guitar. it's the simplicity of those things that make it more, more and more important, "friendship can reach heights which love can never attain."
i was walking to work this morning and the first song which came up was 'runaway train', not a particularly good song, but beautiful and i just stood there outside the lift and started crying. i feel like my life is becoming like that movie groundhog day, and i really am the most repeitive person alive. like it's all just the same thing, over and over.
maybe...i'm right, maybe when you really care for someone the last thing you should do is date them, because that shit ends. maybe despite that it feels like an oxymoronic concept. [i love you, but i cannot possibly date you - wtf!?!
] i'm right on this one.
this entry was pure cartharsis.
i needed this
i was reading it and i was overwhelmingly happy but crying. and i don't know why at all. just don't know why.
he talked about how happy is to get emails from me, and it makes me feel bad for not writing and for having such a bad attitude about hannah and i guess nina...and how wanting those relationships to get fucked up just to prove my eternal point, sucks.
anyway he's going to study music now and is so excited. it makes me excited. he said he thought of me when he got the new rhcp cd. which is about the greatest compliment to recieve from stuart, mostly because he adores them...like no other. i don't know...i wish we could just sit and talk about it. it would make me really happy. i miss just spending time talking about music with stuart so much. we would sit online and play the same cd's and just talk through the whole thing. one of the most vivid memories i have was stuart bouncing up to me, one morning before school and telling me he had a surprize. and then at lunch he played 'wondering' for me on his guitar and it was perfect. it was probably the only great surprize i've ever had. fuck. he's going to have so much fun with this music. he's brilliant, and if not brilliant just really lives it, and i think that's enough. i remember that time junior year so clearly, he was the greatest friend, it was the best kind of friendship, it was unconditional and just transcendent. we didn't have to talk, he just always knew what i was thinking, but we talked anyway, about everything. i think about everyything that made me want to leave high school, and then i remember all those great things. i think i knew how much i loved him when it was happening, and i think he knew it too, and returned it.
it was a movie. and it boiled down to something i actually said yesterday, you can't date people like that, you can't turn those relationships into romances, you can't make it into that, because they aren't romances, they're friendships, and if you do it, you run the risk that a time will come when you won't be friends and that is the worst idea ever. which makes me glad stuart and i never went there, we both knew we probably could have, might have, should have, and that if we had, my whole life would be different right now, but then we also might not be friends right now, i might be crying for other reasons than missing him like hell, and wanting to hear him play his guitar. it's the simplicity of those things that make it more, more and more important, "friendship can reach heights which love can never attain."
i was walking to work this morning and the first song which came up was 'runaway train', not a particularly good song, but beautiful and i just stood there outside the lift and started crying. i feel like my life is becoming like that movie groundhog day, and i really am the most repeitive person alive. like it's all just the same thing, over and over.
maybe...i'm right, maybe when you really care for someone the last thing you should do is date them, because that shit ends. maybe despite that it feels like an oxymoronic concept. [i love you, but i cannot possibly date you - wtf!?!
] i'm right on this one.
this entry was pure cartharsis.
i needed this