Spent much of the afternoon with Chris, probably had more cohesive converstation than ever before. I feel pretty shit about that whole situation. It's a perfect example of me being exactly the kind of person I don't like. It started off awkward and then got fun and then tapered off to really bad. I feel like a terrible person, and I should. I feel like I lied, when I didn't really, I simply neglected to mention fairly key factors, but I neglect to mention a lot of things in life, but that's very Colva. [and seriously, the amount of times I've had 'the converstation' with standard close friends and it's made me feel like I'm nuts is fairly common, thus I don't know if I could have it with a guy, a guy who I was interested in.] I thought I felt bad about it, during that three weeks, but I felt I had it all under control, I felt like I had a grip, or at least some of the time. I feel shitty for thinking that whole thing was a mistake, particuarly bad choice of words, I should know better. Chris is a good guy, he's a fundamentally good person, not deceitful. Or as far as I can tell, which is generally pretty far. Either way, i feel bad. I feel manipulative and I feel like I was being manipulative, when i didn't mean to be...which is a very bad sign.
I feel like the worst kind of girl, I feel like Nancy Spungen. "The kind of girl who would lick out toilets." I feel disasterous. I seem to spend so much time veering from extreme logic and extreme sense to complete mayhem. I also want to have a ciggarette really badly.
A few entries back I thought I was on sabbatical from all this stupid shit. I thought I had a pretty good grip. i thought that I was done letting you be so fundamental to my life.
I recall the words, "I love him, more than anything, and I am done ripping my heart over him." as it transpires, It doesn't appear that I am at all. I've said that so many times, I seriously think I've meant it everytime, I've always meant that I'm about to start pulling myself together. I think I just got that stage again, where being 'healthy' started to feel like sickness. I have a cycle, I get really crazy on this for awhile, and then I start tapering off, [generally when you behave like douche bag, or I miss something important, or an anniversary goes by] and then I start to 'heal' and I get really independent of you, which is what was happening over the summer, and when I was with Chris and then I get really well, I start thinking about other people, and I even suppose I could go out with them [this has happened recently] I really get happy about it too, and then something will crack, I'll get dissapointed or hurt, [like right now] or you'll do something phenominal, [I felt it coming the other day when I thought you were here, (while I was in NC, obviously)] and I'll into this crush stage again, and I'll feel myself falling, either really in love with you again, or just back into a addled sort of emotional dependency. It'll be mixed with total euphoria of your exsistence and everything and total hatred where I'll be kind of mean about you, and say really cruel things, and bitch a lot, and say I'm done with you, but you'll be the focus. I'll be "focused". It started last night, for the past week, I find that every guy I think of, or think of dating the senario inevitably leads to me cruelly cheating on them with you. I hate this cycle, but it's so regular, it's so much a part of my life. I doesn't help of course, that I'm not smoking anymore because I'm very irritable and even worse because you are. [which I adore by the way, I like this destructive you, the dangerous and irresponsible...I prefer that.]
I feel like the worst kind of girl, I feel like Nancy Spungen. "The kind of girl who would lick out toilets." I feel disasterous. I seem to spend so much time veering from extreme logic and extreme sense to complete mayhem. I also want to have a ciggarette really badly.
A few entries back I thought I was on sabbatical from all this stupid shit. I thought I had a pretty good grip. i thought that I was done letting you be so fundamental to my life.
I recall the words, "I love him, more than anything, and I am done ripping my heart over him." as it transpires, It doesn't appear that I am at all. I've said that so many times, I seriously think I've meant it everytime, I've always meant that I'm about to start pulling myself together. I think I just got that stage again, where being 'healthy' started to feel like sickness. I have a cycle, I get really crazy on this for awhile, and then I start tapering off, [generally when you behave like douche bag, or I miss something important, or an anniversary goes by] and then I start to 'heal' and I get really independent of you, which is what was happening over the summer, and when I was with Chris and then I get really well, I start thinking about other people, and I even suppose I could go out with them [this has happened recently] I really get happy about it too, and then something will crack, I'll get dissapointed or hurt, [like right now] or you'll do something phenominal, [I felt it coming the other day when I thought you were here, (while I was in NC, obviously)] and I'll into this crush stage again, and I'll feel myself falling, either really in love with you again, or just back into a addled sort of emotional dependency. It'll be mixed with total euphoria of your exsistence and everything and total hatred where I'll be kind of mean about you, and say really cruel things, and bitch a lot, and say I'm done with you, but you'll be the focus. I'll be "focused". It started last night, for the past week, I find that every guy I think of, or think of dating the senario inevitably leads to me cruelly cheating on them with you. I hate this cycle, but it's so regular, it's so much a part of my life. I doesn't help of course, that I'm not smoking anymore because I'm very irritable and even worse because you are. [which I adore by the way, I like this destructive you, the dangerous and irresponsible...I prefer that.]