minimalism

If I write what I'm feeling I'm afraid that I will have no choice but to give in to these emotions. I'm trying desperately not to fall in love, but I think it's already too late.

When I moved here to Argentina I had a plan. And so far everything was going really well. I found a job right away, found a place to live, that although it isn't ideal, has had a plus side with helping me meet new friends from all over the world. I had wanted to lose weight for a really long time back home, but no matter how hard I tried nothing seemed to work, and here I'm almost down to my goal weight already and I haven't even been dieting all that long. And then beyond that I wanted to meet a wonderful Argentine girl I could settle down with. Pretty simple, right?

And when I arrived I was so happy to be here that even though I wasn't dating anyone I felt like I was in love. I had this tremendous amount of positive energy that I wanted to share with someone. I had emotions in me that I had no idea how to express until eventually one day it came to me, I felt like I was in love with a girl I hadn't met yet. And that's a truly difficult feeling to describe.

I talk a bunch of shit to my Argentinian friends about how I don't want to date anyone who speaks English, how I could NEVER ever see myself dating a blond. Well, I think I got thrown a curve ball for this very reason. Life likes to fuck with you with you think you know everything.

And so fate, the motherfucker that it is, decided to introduce me to Ashlea, She's tall, thin, blond, from Australia. and absolutely fucking gorgeous. Sexy in the most unassuming way. Effortlessly beautiful. The kind of beauty that comes from the soul, not from looks alone. She has an energy about her that I've never encountered before in my life. She's super kind. While she is here in Argentina she is volunteering in a school teaching children English. She has a passion for traveling and seeing the world. A true lust for life.

So far we've hung out four times. I don't want to call it dates. I don't know what to call it. I just know that I want to spend every second I can with her. And therein lies the problem. She's not from here and won't be here for much longer. She's in her third week of a eight week trip and while 35 more days can be an eternity to someone abroad experiencing the pangs of homesickness that same amount of time it's going to fly by for me. I can already feel it in my bones how much I'm going to miss her when she leaves.

I'd be lying if I said I don't absolutely love her accent. I could listen to her speak for hours. And I have always thought that having a crush on someone over an accent is really silly. Take it away and replace it with your own dialect and would you still find the person attractive? That being said I suppose I've still had a thing for Scottish accents and girls from the southern US anyway, but by far and away the Aussie accent has always been my biggest weakness.

My brain plays out different scenarios with her as the lead character over and over, but the ending to the film is always the same. In five weeks time she'll be gone. We have talked about possibly traveling together in Argentina before she leaves. Possibly meeting in various parts of the world in the future, and me visiting her in Australia. Who knows how much of any of that will actually happen. Only time will tell. I'm just going to try and make the most of what little time we have left.

There have been times when I've been able to compartmentalize my feelings. To restrain myself knowing that if I chase a pipe dream it would end poorly for me. It's not often that at the beginning of a relationship you know in how it will end. But in a situation where you're given the knowledge that there will definitely be an end you have to either give in to you feelings and fall in love or try to hold back and protect yourself. I'll be honest, unlike most people, I don't mind having my heart broken. It makes me feel more alive. I'm going to let myself fall in love with her. I don't want to stop it from happening. To spend as much time with this girl as possible makes it worth all the pain I will feel when she is gone.