An evening that warrants an entry. Liz is now here. For those of you that I don't communicate with on a daily basis, she is my "squeeze." I guess she's better with computers than I thought, and she managed to dig up an email from about 7 months ago that incriminated me. See, we've had these issues the last couple of times that we've met up.
Our relationship has been long distance since it's inception in August of 2003. She's lived in New York, and I've lived in North Carolina. I've been in Korea and she's been in Washington. Well, for the first time we're living together on a basis of more than two weeks. So far we've made it through a lot and we're learning that we aren't just in love with the idea of eachother. I look at her and see so much. We have matching birthmarks. We get matching zits when we get stressed out. We have similar goals and hopes and desires. I can't deny in any way shape or form that I love her completely. She reminds me every so often that she's what I wish to be. It's refreshing and humbling and wonderful. I have never felt so safe, as I do when I'm with her.
Thing is that I slept with somebody else, here in Korea while she was in Washington. An english teacher named Christina. She was cool... bright and educated in areas that I wish I had had the discipline to follow up on when I was in school. I developed feelings for her. The kind of feelings that come up when you forget to take care of your own needs, and take care of yourself emotionally when you're all alone in the world. Intense, non-directional, unhealthy and selfish feelings. She left Korea to finish college in Canada. I forgot about it.
A few months ago Liz revealed to me that she had also met with infidelity. I never admitted to my side... I admitted to things, but didn't see the point in letting her know that I was an idiot, and with 20/20 hindsight, created an unbalanced playing field that left her feeling like she had to make it up to me because I was so strong. What I had intended was to keep her from getting more hurt. Big mistake.
We're dealing with it. She never raised her voice to me about it. She just looked hurt.... I feel like a squashed bug. Totally unworthy of her love.... but she is just so graceful... I can see in her that she forgives me. I can see that she understands and just wants to be hurt, and balance herself out, and then carry on with loving me. I don't know what to do, but I can tell you one thing.... I will marry her if she'll have me. God this all sounds disfunctional.
She's definately the one for me... not a doubt in my mind. I guess guilt can clarify things sometimes. Better to make a mistake and recognize it, than allow it to fester and allow the fear of the mistake to kill the future of the relationship. Deal with the pain as it comes, and prevent pain in the future. Lesson learned.
Our relationship has been long distance since it's inception in August of 2003. She's lived in New York, and I've lived in North Carolina. I've been in Korea and she's been in Washington. Well, for the first time we're living together on a basis of more than two weeks. So far we've made it through a lot and we're learning that we aren't just in love with the idea of eachother. I look at her and see so much. We have matching birthmarks. We get matching zits when we get stressed out. We have similar goals and hopes and desires. I can't deny in any way shape or form that I love her completely. She reminds me every so often that she's what I wish to be. It's refreshing and humbling and wonderful. I have never felt so safe, as I do when I'm with her.
Thing is that I slept with somebody else, here in Korea while she was in Washington. An english teacher named Christina. She was cool... bright and educated in areas that I wish I had had the discipline to follow up on when I was in school. I developed feelings for her. The kind of feelings that come up when you forget to take care of your own needs, and take care of yourself emotionally when you're all alone in the world. Intense, non-directional, unhealthy and selfish feelings. She left Korea to finish college in Canada. I forgot about it.
A few months ago Liz revealed to me that she had also met with infidelity. I never admitted to my side... I admitted to things, but didn't see the point in letting her know that I was an idiot, and with 20/20 hindsight, created an unbalanced playing field that left her feeling like she had to make it up to me because I was so strong. What I had intended was to keep her from getting more hurt. Big mistake.
We're dealing with it. She never raised her voice to me about it. She just looked hurt.... I feel like a squashed bug. Totally unworthy of her love.... but she is just so graceful... I can see in her that she forgives me. I can see that she understands and just wants to be hurt, and balance herself out, and then carry on with loving me. I don't know what to do, but I can tell you one thing.... I will marry her if she'll have me. God this all sounds disfunctional.
She's definately the one for me... not a doubt in my mind. I guess guilt can clarify things sometimes. Better to make a mistake and recognize it, than allow it to fester and allow the fear of the mistake to kill the future of the relationship. Deal with the pain as it comes, and prevent pain in the future. Lesson learned.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
http://suicidegirls.com/groups/SG+South+Korea/