...and he wants to die now even more than before. Seriously: Fuck my fuckin' fucked up shit-fuck dipshit of a fuckin' fuck-life not worth living anymore!
So, today was the day... after nearly one year finally my marriage was divorced officially in front of court. To be fair, me and my ex-wife wanted it to happen a lot quicker, but the court somehow took horribly long to get their shit together...
And quite frankly at first I was in a good mood to get this part of my life behind me and not have to worry if anything would happen to my ex-wife (or to me) I (or she) would have to be responsible for the other. She already has a new man in her life and I even know him and wish them all the best for the future.
After the whole 15 minutes in court we stood outside and talked a bit about some fummy stuff which happend to me and to her. It was really nice and also a nice closure to what has happend. But then she told me something which fucked me once again completely: She is pregnant and expects in December/January...
Of course I am happy for her! I feel really happy for her and I hope she will give birth to a healthy child and have a great family and future. I sincerely wish her all the best for her/their future!
But now we come to the thing why I want to die even more than I already wanted. I am not exeggarating when I say I could not give less of a fuck if I would die righht now, get run over by a truck, be struck by lightning or however one can die!
After my last relationship (which lasted over five years) my ex found a new man quickly and about one and a half years after she kicked me out (for good reasons) she got pregnant with her now husband. And now the EXACT FUCKING SAME THING happens!!! Well, it's more than two years after my ex-wife and I seperated, but still... I was dreaming to be a dad for something like 30-33 fuckin' YEARS!!! And the two women I had the longest relations with get pregnant with the guy the get together with after me!
I fucking feel like I must have done something so fucking awful or evil that karma wants me to suffer or some divine entitiy thinks I don't have deserved to have my dreams fulfilled... I just wanted to be a father! Is it so hard to get this one fucking wish granted? Did I ask for too much? No woman I have ever been with wanted to have children with me... and every time a woman leaves me she immediately finds a much better love than me and in the past two times she even gets what she never wanted with me... Seriously: I just want to fucking die right now. I don't understand what I have done to get punished like that, but that right now feels just too much for me to handle.
I'm giving up... whoever wanted to see me suffer, he did a great job and I can say: You win. I quit. I don't want to suffer anymore.