I have many nice (maybe even beautiful?) things others don't have. I have a nice, big car, I live in a pretty cool house which is sort of mine (just have to pay it off to my dad, for something like my whole life?), I have two dogs and three cats and I can not complain about what I have in my house. It's nice and cozy, I can somehow afford to live in it and I have a job.
Some people might be jealous for what I have and I could understand them at some point. However I personally don't feel the luck I have...
I have things to eat, I can buy food for my little zoo and the love I get from them is pure and truly heartwarming.
I have the ability to follow my passion of wrestling, although not yet as a wrestler, but still as a commentator and ring anouncer at the moment.
I am somewhat healthy, at least concerning my body.
I can afford my life and should be happy... but I'm not...
I feel the love from my animals and yet feel unloved.
I come home to my house and feel emptiness.
I go for a walk with my dogs and feel the fear many have when they see me and change the side of the street.
I have so many things I am deeply thankful for, yet I feel left out.
I don't feel any warmth in my heart and being happy is harder than it has ever been. I love to laugh because of a good joke, a meme or some video or whatever, but being happy does not last longer than maybe some hours.
Even when I was at our wrestling show, anouncing the wrestlers and maybe doing commentary for the show before that one the day after, I come home and I'm sad again.
It keeps getting worse since the beginning of this year as far as to the point that I have suicidal thoughts back again. That fucks me up even more than everything. I love to live and I want to live, but I don't see any purpose in my life again.
The loneliness I am in keeps wearing me down and most of the time I keep staring into the void and I don't see a way out.
I want to live. More importantly, I want to love! But I don't see any love for me... What makes it even worse is seeing too many happy people around me or couples getting engaged, married or announcing happily they are pregnant... things I will certainly not have anymore. It sucks seeing all the joy around me and not beeing able to enjoy it with others or being honestly happy for them. I'm longing for love, but all the beauty I see and everything I would like to feel is so fucking far away...
Yeah well... let's keep on breathing, the next day will come and it will always go on. Life always goes on.
