I'll be honest: I fuckin hate my life at the moment very, very much. I mean my life has never been "perfect" or great... I sometimes had fantastic moments mostly when I achieved something I maybe dreamed of or was told something great by someone I really appreciate or have a lot of respect for. But most recently since the middle of last year after my ex-wife left me, my life sucks big time. Since then I realised I only have acquaintences and practically no real friends. Well, I have my best friend whom I know for over 20 years already, but that's a different story. Since the end of last year I had the toughest time of my life dealing with being alone and falling into depression really hard. I nearly begged for help or for acompany to do something with anybody like going to the cinema or just being able to talk with a friend... and nobody, literally not ONE single person ever responded to me or even texted me or similar. Christmas was one of the most horrible days in my life as I spent it alone in my house eating a nice steak which I was only able to buy because my boss/father paid me some extra for Christmas. Otherwise I would have had to eat noodles with sauce or something from the refridgerator. And even my post on facebook did not bother anybody to ask me if I am feeling good or anything. I know it sound oh so typical like a whiny boy, but it really is not. The difference is: I know life is pretty shitty since nearly 30 years and when you're the nice guy you never get what you dream of, especially as far as love is concerned. It even sucks more that I can not (or don't want to) post this on my facebook page as a lot of my "friends" will immediately ask why I never said anything.
The answer is simple: No one cares! In today's society you don't want to hear about problems others have, everybody wants to live a lie and pretend to be happy. Especially on facebook where everyone is happy and looking good in their profile pic so everyone is jealous about the life of the other.
The thing about me is, I know how it is to be alone and I can handle it. I do really like it when there is nothing but silence in my house and only a cat is meowing around and my dogs gather around me and "beg" for food or attention. They are honest in everything they do. They give me true and unconditional love which I have never seen amongst humans. I do love my little zoo very much, but I also love to give to other people no matter if it's a helping hand, some advise or just listening to someone else venting off their frustration or listening to their problems. Believe me I really love just being there for people I truly like or love. It makes me happy when somebody has a good feeling because I could give him something or was able to give some advise or make the person laugh. God, how I love seeing other people laugh and be happy!
And this is where my problem lies... I always help and never ask for anything and this made me very lonely as my "friends" were always used to me being there helping and asking and offering. What even made my life so much more fucked up is the fact I will never have children as no woman will ever be so stupid or maybe blind(?) to accept a guy with no real future and a look perfect for a wrestler but not for this superficial world we live in. Please don't try to chear me up with such fucking stupid sentences like e.g. "There is certainly a woman for you out there" etc. My experience shows there is none, at least not where I live and even if a woman might be interested I am not able to offer anything except me and my zoo. I don't blame anybody, but these thoughts and my "experience" with women only make me more and more depressed. Being youself can be very challenging if you are not compliant with what is generally seen as "attractive" or "handsome". This has even lead to the point at which I now am even affraid to try talking to women because I am too affraid of rejection or something I hate the most: No answer.
Maybe I am thinking too much about this or maybe I should try more? But how can one conquer these self-doubts when therw is nobody he could lean on or who would give him a big very much needed hug?