This is a start

2

I am not expecting anyone to read this stuff but I felt like I needed to put something down for me to reflect on later. A lot of shit has happened in the past two plus years and I think I am still reeling from it. So I have been debating where to write it down and this seems to be a good place.

I honestly don't know where to start. I don't think I am going to blab about all the bad crap that has gone on, instead I am going to say what I want to happen and then try and figure out how to get it. I am in my forties and still acting like a twenty something; impetuous, thoughtless, carefree...and money-less! Which isn't a bad thing per say, just not practical for what I have going on. There are two young boys looking up to me in ways I never imagined could happen. I need to stop acting like I have my shit together and go ahead and get my poop in a group!

So, there, this is a start...kinda

fuyumi:
Haha poop in a group. Yknow, you'll get there! The fact that you even acknowledge that you aren't where you feel you should be in life shows maturity and says to me that you at least have your brain at a good point from which to start. The economy and everything is rough for all of us this day and age, and too many people barely make enough to eat. As long as you're trying you can't truly be a failure. Now sometimes maybe yeah you know you can do more too, but then you just learn from your procrastination or avoidance or whatever, and try to be better. Just keep moving forward. We'll all be in debt til we die nowadays anyway, but if you stick with it you might end up less fucked than the rest of us!! Just focus on being more of a moral and practical guide for your boys, life lessons are so much more valuable anyway. I'm thankful that I have so much street knowledge vs money; I may be on the poor side with currency, but I'd much rather be where I am on the status ladder with the wisdom I have than be an ignorant brat with a 10k a day allowance!! As far as your own maturity and attitude as you perceive it, well, just change it!! Too often we let ourselves believe the bullshit that we are who we are and we can't change our personalities. Complete bull. Sure we're subliminally affected by external influences to a certain degree, but ultimately and primarily we dictate our own destinies as far as our character is concerned at least. If you don't like the way you handle something, do it another way. Don't let pride, or fear, get in the way of letting you be who you want to be. Once I realized I could really truly be whoever the hell I wanted to be, and that I was in no way bound or held by the problems of my family and peers, I felt so free. It's hard to break bad old habits, but the biggest block is your own mental disposition. You discourage yourself without realizing it. At least these are things I've observed and learned, and these realizations were valuable in my life. If they are just babble I'm sorry, sometimes it's hard for me to explain my thoughts aloud. :)
milkedman:
Not babble at all.  You definitely have your poop in a group!  I am appreciate your candor and advice.

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