mike_hawk

how to buy a home in a few easy steps
by mohawk mike

First get a mortgage broker
Then kick him in the nuts he will be no help to you
But take his word at first we all do
Get a real-estate agent
Be nice to him hes the only fucking person that will help you
Find a place you really like
Make a offer, it dont matter what you say they will counter and want more money (its a sellers market)
Spend a shit load of cash on inspections and appraisals, dont forget the earnest money
Sign a lot of papers and pick a closing date
Head starts to hurt
Get ready to find a new mortgage broker because this is the point in time the first one will fuck you
The first of many panic attacks will kick in
Go out drinking since at 4:30pm when he told you theres not much else you can do
Now with the new mortgage broker
He will kind of help you (but will fuck you in the long run)
He will tell you that there ate collection people looking for you that you must fix
You spent 6 to 7 days clearing up credit problems (these people can all go eat a dick)
-panic attack #2
New mortgage broker now tells you that even though you solved all the credit problems (despite the fact they were not even your problems but other people that have the same name as you fun stuff)
Tells you that your cant show where your money comes from and with no rental history theres just nothing I can do for you phone hangs up
SIX DAYS TILL CLOSING
HAVE FIRST NERVOUS FUCKING BREAK DOWN!!!!!!!
Panic attack #3,4,5,6, over two day period
Run around for a day trying to pick up and hope you may have of not losing the $1500 you have already spend
Ask your uncle for help
He will refer you to a friend (who can help you)
Now your third mortgage broker he will be the one to help you (love this person)
Call your agent have him push the closing day back 2 weeks
Jump threw about 1000 more hopes
Lie about how much you make
Get boss to lie about how much you work
Get uncle to lie about where you have lived for the last 4 years
Submit your loan application
Spend about a week binge drinking and wondering if you will get approved
Get the call (hope for the best, but at this point in time you could give two shits)
They say yes you cant fucking grasp the idea that something worked out after almost 2 months of bullshit
Finally Relax and dot the Is and cross the ts its going to be ok

Few pointers that will help
Have rental history with a real apartment place.. or
Pay at least one year of utility bills
Be able to show you make more then $9000 a year
Dont supposedly owe collectors money

These are just a few of what seems like a million problems I had so be for warned.
Congrads you just bought your first fucking home now go drink you have earned it


on this note i have finals in 8 hours so i must go